I don’t concern myself with mindless details. The world is supposed to be this place where you can be yourself. Yet I’m stuck following the rules. The path they laid down for me. Why can’t I break from that. There is nothing wrong with me, I am fine. I am healthy, happy. So why am I just so desperate for this to be over. Is there really a point? My actions have yet to save a single person. But every person who I “fix” (these are the ungrateful ones, not the ones who become family and help you, no; these are the ones who steal you from yourself, break you) each person I “fix” corrodes me. Rips away another part of who I am- was. I am nothing special. Nothing different. I am nothing the world would miss. People may be sad if I die, but they will not truly end without me. I will end WITHOUT them, I will end as my own.
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I’m a bit confused Y. You say you’re healthy and happy, yet you want to die. You ‘fix’ people, yet they corrode you, steal you from yourself. Can you maybe fill us in on some more background, tell us more about your life etc? Zx
is it the world order that pisses you off?
“The world is supposed to be this place where you can be yourself. Yet I’m stuck following the rules. The path they laid down for me. Why can’t I break from that.”
I can relate
it has been my predominant state of mind for the past 5+ years, regardless of my emotional state .. I want to escape a life of routine and social conformity, doing things that aren’t in alignment with who I truly am but I haven’t figured out how .. I’ve been feeling like homelessness or death might be the only alternatives for me
have you seen the movie Into the wild, (true story) about a man who had the perfect opportunity to be successful, instead he went into the wild with just a backpack.
sounds like the smarter choice (no sarcasm) .. he wasn’t brainwashed like 90% of us humans are
i agree, they just keep everyone entertained at all times so they dont think and give people these false goals and inspirations.
I am physically healthy. I appear happy. My mother and father are divorced and they lean on me. As well as my grandmother, and my friends. I spend endless time and energy doing everything in my power to save them. I am a post and everyone leans on me. Nobody cares about me or my life or my problems it’s all about “Alyx, can you come over Tyler broke up with me and I might start cutting again.” or “Alyx, don’t say that around your mother.” “Alyx, I quit my job…..Never mind I’m staying at the job. But can you come over and help me sort this out? I am your mother after all”
I hope that answers some of your questions louise50. Sorry if I was a bit confusing. I meant to show how my life is a contradiction. Like, “this is how things are supposed to be” and I’m like “well that’s too bad because this is how things actually are.” It isn’t all beautiful daisies.
Have you raised this to the people in your life? I know people can be painfully oblivious about how much you’re doing for them (I stand accused). Maybe they don’t realise the toll it’s taking on you?
I’ve tried and they either don’t seem to care or just apologize and do it again a week later. Thanks for the advice though.