I need help.

So , Its for me to believe that everyones sorty is differnt. This one..Well its beyond that.
I dont know how to explain my thought really, But im going to try to put you in my shoes, My state of mind.
*Big breath* Alright. . So sometimes that thing called Depression hits me, Makes me want to go home and cry, yell at everyone about my problems and just throw my hands around hoping that they will hit something to take away this pain.. This pain of loss. The pain of never being loved. Always getting walked out on, or forgotten. Im the type of person that is always happy, Ive only had a few melt downs, I get most of what i want. But what people dont know is…You can only live with the things you NEED. Its not really the point that my dad shot himself in the ear because of me, or that my Mom gave me up. Its just..Well i dont even really know. I have so much hate. Some people would forgive their mom and want her in their life but its differnt with me, She gave me up. She made a choice. She hasnt paid or showed any kind of ”love”. That kind stuff just cant pass your human mind and you still even care. I dont even feel any love for anyone anymore because of these things.. When i kiss someone i dont get butterflies, I used to fall for Guys soo easy. But once i realized all these things about life, Everything changed. I loved this boy so much.. Latley. Hes my bestfriend but i learned to get over him after all the letdowns, lead ons, lies..All that and i could go on about that forever, But thats not what your here to, Hear. So. The thing is, i always think about death. How easy someones there..next minute. Gone.. Forever too! Its crazy, But in class i think ”If i killed myself i wonder if that guy over there would feel any hurt that one day i was sitting right across from him, or maybe not?” Next thought.. ”I wonder if my old friend would sit and wonder why i did it, What was going through my head before that bullet did.. ” It kills me to even think about me being gone. I know people close to me would feel sad, But i wonder if it would be a big deal.. It would be much easier for me. But for them? I dont know. Probably. I live with my Grandparents like you might have seen in the last post.. They get me so mad, i can feel my blood pumping in my face and arms and getting so hot i feel like im going to explode. So mad i want to hurt them, Posion them, Suffocate them. Anything to get their hateful words out of my mind. I thought about leaving them a note, to hurt them for everything they didnt let me do to destory my childhood. They destory everything. How can your kid love you when you dont let them do anything but sit in a house thats 103 in the summer. Hint: They will never love you. Hmmm.. Running out of thoughts. I smoke weed to keep them bitches off my mind. 🙂