There is just no reason for me to be feeling this way. I am that bubbly blonde that everyone loves having around. I am a varsity cheerleader, starting varisty soccer player and I got the lead role in my school play. I have a boyfriend, and amazing best friends. I have never been abused or raped or anything, yet I am miserable. There is not a day that the idea of taking my own life out of the world doesn’t cross my mind. Maybe I would be missed for a few days, but then everyone would forget and focus on replacing me. The cheer squad would fill my spot, the soccer team would easily send in the replacement, the understudy would take my spot and my friends would just replace me with someone closer. My parents would only think about how much money they wasted on spending on me for 16 years. The only thing that would truly miss me would be my fish, no one else in the family really cares for them but me.
Why can’t I just do it? I take pills everyday, not anti-depressent, but pain pills, and I can go days without eating, but I can’t bring myself to complete the ultimate crime. I have brainstormed ideas. It really wouldn’t be that hard. It’s as simple as driving into a tree, but I can’t do it. My mind and heart are battling it out. The problem is that I don’t know which one wants which. I just want to end this. I don’t want someone to tell me that ‘everything is gonna be okay’ or ‘hang in there.’ I don’t want or need to see a therapist. That’s why nobody knows. I want to be done. I want to be watching the world from a different perspective. All those people that probably wish I wasn’t here anymore, I want them to win. The girl who wants my spot on the team, or my parents who want to save money, I want them to have that.
I’m tired of not being good enough. I’m tired of never saying the right thing. I’m tired of having to please people and say or do what they want to hear or see. I’m tired of the fake smile. I’m tired of being fake and everyone thinking that it’s just the ‘real me’. I’m tired of the zero confidence. I’m tired of sucking in my stomach when I’m with my bestfriend because she is soo much skinnier than me. I’m tired of cheering on the sidelines because my mother wants me too. I’m tired of making all A’s and still never even get a ‘good job’ from my parents. I’m tired of crying. Frankly, I’m tired of feeling like I’m on this island alone.
I can think about all those people that I have given advice to and I’ve even told one of my friends to not do it. He claims that without me, I doesn’t know where he’d be. Well, I’m glad I’m here for him, because he is how I probably lasted this long. If I go through with this, it will break his heart. As I’m having a revolation writing this and crying and thinking of him, I wonder how I could possibly do that to him. If I do this, he will have to live thinking that I felt like I couldn’t come to him with this. He tells me he owes me and he’s gonna feel like, like, like maybe he could have prevented it. He can’t though, and maybe I’ll tell him that. Maybe.
I found this website today, and I decided to write this to see if it made me feel any better. I honestly don’t know if it worked or not. I’m not really expecting anyone to read all of this, because it’s pretty long and pointless. I just wanted some way to let it out somehow, because there is no way I could ever tell one of my ‘bestfriends’. Over Christmas break, I was at my lowest point. I even held a knife to my own heart, but of coursed failed to go through with it. Christmas day was the worst day of my life. My mom even found me crying in hystrics in my room and told me to pull myself together. She looked embarrassed to see me, like if I looked like that poor helpless girl in public, then she would never claim me. It wouldn’t even cross her mind. One my bestfriends/neighbor came to see me on Christmas and I began to tell her how I felt and how sad I was. She just looked at me as I told her, pale as a ghost. She then got up, told me she would come back later, and left. She didn’t come back. I had scared her away. How I truly felt, had scared her away. Now I’m about done with this rant, and I have no closing sentence although I feel like I should say something motivational.
22 comments
Now I’m about done with this rant, and I have no closing sentence although I feel like I should say something motivational. I really like this sentence. Shows how ur head works i guess. Seems very caring.
Nothing wrong with seeing a therapist though. They can help you see the world from a different perspective.
Well if you are unhappy there is always a reason for it. It just might not always be something obvious. It could just be some chemical imbalance in your brain causing this depression or something like that you have no control over. No matter how “great” other people might think your life is if it isn’t great to you then thats all that really matters. No reason for you to feel guilty about it, I mean its not like you want to be miserable. You just have to try to figure out why you are unhappy with your life. Even if there aren’t any obvious problems there must be something making you unhappy you just have to keep looking deeper within yourself until you find the problem.
Hi. It’s good that you posted here. You might find people that you can talk to; that you can relate to. You don’t have to be ‘abused or raped or anything’ to feel miserable. It doesn’t make your feelings any less real or unworthy, for lack of a better word, of depression. If you’re tired of cheering or playing sports, if it’s something you don’t want to do anymore, don’t do it. It’s your life, and if you don’t want to do it, you don’t have to. Tell your mom that you just aren’t interested in it anymore. That you don’t enjoy it. The more you try to do things that make you unhappy, the worse you’ll feel for it. It’s good that you get straight A’s. How many people can say that? Not too many. I can tell by reading your post that you are very intelligent. I’m sorry you don’t hear that from your parents. Is it hard for you to talk to them? My first suggestion would be to tell them how you feel. You don’t have to get into your depression or suicidal thoughts, if you don’t want to, but you should tell them how you feel about not even being congratulated every once in a while. You want to be acknowledged for the hard work that you do at school. It’s nice to be told you’re doing a good job.
“Now I’m about done with this rant, and I have no closing sentence although I feel like I should say something motivational.” Your last sentence says a lot about you. Why do you feel like you have to say something motivational? It almost seems a bit sarcastic, to me. That despite your feelings, you feel obligated to make other people happy. Well, you are not on this earth to please everyone. It’s impossible. You have to live your life for you. There’s nothing wrong with being nice, and offering help, and just being a good person. There is something wrong with the idea that you have to constantly do do do for others while you go unnoticed and possibly uncared for. You matter. Your feelings matter. And even though I don’t know who you are, this person would care if you took your life. You seem like a caring, intelligent, kind, sensitive person. You show empathy by being concerned about what your suicide would do to your friend. These are increasingly rare qualities. I think if you can’t talk to your parents, talk to your friend. If he’s had these feelings too, he’d be the most likely to understand and not judge you. Or you can talk to people on here. We’re in the same boat. Or, on the same island with you.
oh your post brought GG out of her lurking it must have been good 😀
as she said you can always talk to people on here she is a very good one to talk to actually she is very wise, oh and very forgetful, but mostly wise lol
but yea if you are doing things simply because its expected of you and its what other people think you should do or want you to do that will just hurt you in the long run. Especially if you feel like they don’t appreciate how hard you work to please them, it will just build up alot of resentment in you towards them and towards the things you do to please them.
hi. wow a cheerleader… you’re awesome… but what your mom say… that sucked… ur depressed simply, but she doesnt know…
sighs, hmm, try looknig for some loner at school… or what you can see that can relate to you. maybe he or she also needs someone. I know cause im one loner at school (though i dont attend anymore since i hate it there)…
use your asseets ( imean ur bf and friends), try hinting about hwat you feel but dont tell them directly.
@What; haha, always in lurk mode. ;] Yes, this post made me want to comment. Forgetful, who, me? 😀 Thanks for saying I’m wise.
haha well I still remember your letters to yourself there was wisdom in that, seems like you inspired a few people on here with that post. Its good to lurk though and just try to help the ones you think you can reach 🙂
A therapist once told me that it’s very common for family and friends to overlook depression or tell you to pull yourself up. They don’t want to acknowledge it because it reflects badly on them (especially parents). You seem to have it all. I’m with others here that say it could be a chemical imbalance. Or, based on what you describe, this incredible pressure to be perfect….we’re all human and can only be happy when we are accepted for who we are, flaws and all.
Therapy truly can help, I hope you will consider it. Sorry for the sucky reactions of people – my guess is they are just uncomfortable. Most people have no clue how to handle depression in others.
Wow. Just the fact that some one actually took the time to read all of that and sit here and reply to me actually had me in awe. I actually just got inside from having a talk with my dad, whom I am closest with in the family. I tried telling him I don’t wanna cheer anymore, but of course he said I should tell my mother. I really considered reading him what I posted on here. I really did consider it, but I thought the actual realization that his little angel wanted to kill herself would be a little too hard to grasp. He can’t handle the truth. No one really can.
I really enjoy how such a simple sentence from what I am actually feeling and thinking can tell something about me. I do feel like even if I am on the verge of doing it, that I have to please someone. I have to please everyone. Everyone has to be happy before I am. That’s just how I am. I hate someone upset with me. (Using the term ‘mad’ is never in my vocabulary.)
You guys are right. Just the fact that someone said ‘wow a cheerleader… you’re awesome…’ is pretty astonishing. Thank you guys just for this support. My family and friends do overlook how I truly feel and I agree with tzaz in saying that my parents would believe that it reflects badly on them. I will definitely do more resource into this chemical imbalance thing. That sounds pretty probable. Thank you everyone. I like this website. I wanna post again, it feels good.
xoxo
well it would make many people on here very happy if you feel free to post as often as you like about whatever you want. Sometimes just trying to write things out and explain them to other people forces you to understand them better yourself. Oh and I think I saw on one of your comments you have battled with eating disorders and I see you have chubby in your screen name but I would kind of doubt you are chubby if you are a soccer playing cheerleader, so the name kind of makes me wonder if you are still having issues with the eating disorders, oh and panda’s are cool we already have a crazypanda on here to 🙂
I feel like I just moved into a little society and everyone is so welcoming and encouraging. This is fantastic, and just what I needed. Yes, I have battled/battling an eating disorder. You could definitely say lack of confidence can be listened under my list of flaws. I could see the connection between the disorder and how I’m feeling. Oh, and I have an admit that I saw the crazypanda and laughed to myself. Rock on pandas. xoxo
I’m glad writing on here has made you feel better, panda. Can I call you panda? Feels weird calling you chubbypanda. 🙁 I agree with What, I kind of doubt you are chubby. And calling yourself ‘chubby’ can’t be making you feel any better about yourself.
That’s good that you talked to your dad. From experience telling my parents I felt suicidal, my mom didn’t take it very well. She was very upset. Not angry with me, just in tears. It just shows that they really do care if either one gets upset at the thought of you ending your life.
Anyway, I hope you post again, and that it keeps helping you. :]
hmm more panda talk its a conspiracy, panda’s everywhere…now where was that nearest panda express…oh and if all else fails for you just email thegoodgirl she might write you a novel in return but it will be full of helpful 🙂
We should all through a welcome party? c:
And omg another panda…that makes at least 3 or 4 pandas on here
Being only 97 pounds, I can see where some people would disagree with my username. It is just that mind set that I’m not the skinniest girl takes toll. This year in cheerleading is the only year I was told I can’t be the little flier in the air. I was one of the biggest girls on the team and no one could lift me. The skinnier girls got thrown in the air and shown off, while the bigger girls were hidden under the stunt. I could see that connection. Panda is perfectly fine. and I’ve made the decision to keep my parents in the darkness about how I really feel. It’s better for their well being and if it got out that the perfect little varsity cheerleader wants to kill herself, it could be a little traumatizing.
Panda, 97 pounds is not fat or even remotely chubby. And the girls on the squad are even thinner? Hm, perhaps it would be better for your self-esteem and battles with eating disorders to not be on the squad. I’m sure being surrounded by that would do some damage.
@att – I thought there were 3 or 4 ‘pandas’ on this site! haha. It’s confusing me.
97 pounds is tiny, but of course height and bone structure also play a part in that, and you must have a decent amount of muscle to be able to do cheerleading and all the running involved in soccer so the skinnier girls are shown off while the rest are in the background, is this being shown off a very important thing? and don’t try to be a perfect little anything, nobody is perfect, if you think you have to be the perfect little varsity cheerleader or that they want or expect that of you then you are bound to fall short of it and that is always disapointing.
I was 110 at the try out date and during the selection of fliers. I’m 97 now after the emotional effect of being a base. I literally wanna cry every day at practice, but I have never been a quitter. Quitting is so embarrassing. I live in a small town their are only 900 kids in my whole high school. If i quit, everyone would know. and What had a really good point. Is being shown off a really important thing? I.. I don’t know. I don’t think I have any really determining thoughts about that. I’m always that quiet girl in class that never says anything and everyone forgets I’m in that class. Cheerleading might be the only place I could be seen, and now being behind the spotlight might be a little upsetting. Sometimes, after Friday night football games, little girls would run up to me and tell me how well I did, and how they can’t wait to be big like me. That is just more pressure to act perfect and act like what I want them to grow up to be.
oh hey a couple things I forgot to ask earlier haha I am so ADD it is hard for me to put everything I am thinking in one post and then I have things I meant to ask and totally forget because I go off on some random tangent…you said in your post that you take pain pills every day, what kind of pills were you talking about just over the counter stuff like tylenol or ibuprofin or is it something stronger, and why do you need pain pills every single day?
The other thing is did you really feel like all the people in your life would find you so easily replacable that your parents would only be upset about the money they spent on you?
ohhh and what kind of fish! are they all bright and shiny? mmm shiny 🙂
@WhatAmIDoingHere
Well, when I was litte I was addicted to the medicine Bayer. I was almost taken out of school and into rehab, but a little begging and promising to get better kept me in school. I have torn ligaments in my ankle and the only way to fix it is surgery so I take pain pills every day, ibuprofen to be exact. I will take at least four a day, and of course my parents are completely oblivious.
And yes! I absolutley believe with all my heart that if I was to die today, they would, or my mother at least, would be more distressed about all the money she wasted on me. I’m the only daughter and the most expensive child.
and my fish are two goldfish named Flex and Olly Murs (I just call him Murs.) They are the coolest fish ever. Everytime I come to their bowl, they swim up close to me. They love their momma!
Seeing all these comments and your story makes me sad… Here is you chance and maybe even your last, chance to start over. Try asking yourself, why you want to leave? or why you can’t stand your misery. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Come back. Even though you may not want your parents to know… It may be for the better that you they know. Tell them how you feel. Ask them why they don’t understand you… Why they want you to keep cheerleading.
Feel free to contact me.
therano1514@gmail.com