I live in a world that is not real. I feel like I don’t belong in this world. I was forced to pursue a career that I wasn’t interested in. I talk five sentences with my parents on a maximum. Â They have never once asked me how my day went. I never tell them. I don’t tell them about all the nights I sit alone and cry my eyes out into the pillow. I don’t tell them about the bad days I have, or the good ones either. My joys and my sorrows are entirely my own. I love learning about the Universe, but the more I learn about it, the more I long to be one with it, in a form that is not physical. I am fascinated by worlds that are not my own, but the more I stand in awe, the more I begin to tire of this world. I have had a normal childhood. My young-adult life is not too worse, either. I can honestly say that the line “Nobody understands me” isn’t the cliched rant in my case. Â I am good at academics, my peers think I am one of the coolest persons ever, they love my sense of humor. I have constructed a front that is very believable to outsiders and insiders alike. My life is not bad, but lately I’ve been thinking about killing myself on a frequent basis. Maybe the most disturbing thing is the fact that I am not afraid of Death. I think that I am in love with it more than Life itself. The thought of not having people putting boundaries on my dreams and feelings is enough to make me want to die. The thought of living in a world where people don’t cut off the wings they give is enough to make me faint with euphoria. I only wish that I could just run away from home, climb a mountain, yell my lungs out and cry my heart out to a person who truly understands me. I stay awake till the morning hours, without feeling tired at all. I have bottled up all my feelings somewhere deep, and I know that they’ll never come out. I don’t want them to either. The only thing I seem to care about is the beauty of death. I am not afraid, but I just can’t bring myself to go. Maybe one day I’ll find the courage to grab that pistol and put a bullet in my head.
For all the people who have read this, I sincerely express my gratitude. I do not expect anyone to reply, I just needed to let out my feelings to someone.
4 comments
This is one exemplar I find interesting. Perhaps we could strike up an opportunity to talk some time soon.
I know exactly where you’re coming from. Such a horrible dilemma; should I stay or should I go. Only it’s a lot worse when you know you really, really, really SHOULD get the fuck out of here…… but for some reason you can’t bring yourself to do it.
I know deep down I must feel that there’ll come a day, ONE DAY in my life when I won’t hate everything and myself. What else is keeping me here?
I wish you good luck. And if you’re not averse to venting to a stranger/s (again) I think it kind of eases the frustration a bit to know there are others out there.
@Puppet – I would love to do that.
@Aandroid – Thank you. I’ll think about it, and get back to you when I have an answer.
This is how I feel. I’m fascinated about the tails of old. I sometimes believe I was born in an era not my own. The wonders and beauty of the world around astounds me in so many way. The only word I can think of to describe the feeling I get from it is dissatisfaction. I am tired of this mundane world but yet I am unable to end it. Like you I’m not afraid to die, instead I welcome and embrace it. I can see the beauty in the final end, and yet despite that; I can’t follow it. I thank you for this post, although old. It helped me believe that I wasn’t alone in the way I though or felt.