My bi-polar probably has a lot to do with my depression. First, can I say, that if anyone is need of someone to talk to, Im a pretty good listener even with all my issues. Today, I want to take up some talking space though , first post here. It’s hard to admit when you feel like a royally screwed up human being. Cliche or not, I don’t feel worthy of love and I know thats not right. I woud tell anyone else that they are worthy of love. Why can’t I convince myself the same. I’ve always had a temper. It’s almost as if I have a split personality. One part of me is disgusted with the hot mess that loses her temper and acts irrationally towards her family at times (live with parents). This causes an inner conflict that causes me to hate myself until I can’t take it anymore and become emotionally numb and the cycle ensues. I’ve always been really hard on myself and a perfectionist. I just wanted to get some of this off my chest at the least. Thanks for listening.
4 comments
Hey emilee. Bipolar is such a wicked illness. Your mind is okay, your brain is not. Hope u find the right medicine for you as soon. http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar
If you would like to have a look, her blog is a good read on how to endure and manage bipolar. Hang on love, you are not alone.
Hi Emlee. I can identify with almost all of what you have written there, and surprise surprise, I am bipolar too.
I’m 50 now, and have suffered horribly over all these years (since i was 19, and had my first episode of clinical depression). Ten years later, I devloped the psychotic, or ‘manic’ side of manic depression and was duly diagnosed and more or less found myself on the scrapheap of life as a result.
Failed at a career, or even earning my own living. Failed at social life. Failed at intimate relationships. Failed at child-rearing…a particularly agonising failure, as my son actually ended up in care and now has plenty issues of his own as a result.
I’m here to tell you there is hope for all of us tho’, however late in the day. Sometiems all we are called upon to do is survive and keep breathing. Eat. Sleep. Try to keep yourself clean and reasonably neat, and if at all possible, exercise the body, it will repay you with a slightly better mental state if you can.
I’m glad I have survived thus far, even tho’ I felt suicidal only two months ago, around the time I came to SP. I feel a sense of achievement having reached 50 with severe bipolar and still not dead, or even having made any attempts. Let’s face it Emlee, 15-20% of bipolar folks are not so ‘lucky’. That’s the figure for completed suicides among our section of society.
I met my soulmate two years ago, and though it was quite tough at first (he also has a severe mental illness) we are now as happy as it is possible for any two people to be in this life.
This was definitely a blessing from above (if you believe in such things), and well worth waiting for. I feel myself becoming more of what I was always meant to be. I feel emotionally secure. I would not be at all surprised if as a result of the love in my life I don’t have another episode of life-destroying psychosis as long as I live. Which is basically a dream come true.
No more hospital stays. No more reckless and promiscuous behaviour. No more trying to keep myself well, alone and virtually unaided. Someone is helping me to do that now! Previous partners, with the best of intentions, always seemed to end up driving me even closer to the edge.
You never know. Maybe I’ll be able to come off the meds one day. So many miracles have already occurred that nothing seems altogether beyond reach!
There’s hope for us Emlee. That’s all I’m trying to say. Hang in there babes.
Zoe x
Thanks, I’ll check out that link, feeling better today, One day at a time 🙂
Zoe, you’ve had a lot of trials and I’m glad to hear you are doing well over all. Some people think meds are the only way to treat Bi-polar and I wonder if it depends on the severity. If it got to the point where I was hopeless, I would like to think I would take meds but I just can’t bring myself to do it as I am sooo sensitive. I don’t drink or smoke or do any drugs period. As of late, I’ve been on a high fruit and veg diet which seems to be helping over all with my mental state and has enabled me to get some exercise. This fall I’ll be back in online school though I and my BP HATES the lack of sun even with Vit. D and sun lamps. I plan to dodge the family holidays this year if I plan to make it out in one piece Those seem to kill me. I hope you continue to have success with your BP.