I can’t seem to get myself to do the simplest things. I am wading through life fighting against this current that tells me it would be better if I just left this plane and stop wasting resources. I feel ashamed constantly and I can’t shake off this feeling that the future is hopeless. I am disoriented. I want to get better, I’ve done therapy, meds, drugs, and yet this heaviness, this emptiness still lingers. Even with some of the ups I’ve had this monster of a feeling is ready and waiting to take me back into the darkness.
I’m stuck between wanting to break free and ready to give the next punishment. Self sabotage. For whatever reason I keep punishing myself, keep shooting myself in the foot. Why do I block myself from accomplishment? What the fuck am I scared of?
I’m so tired of feeling scared. I’m so tired of feeling like a failure. I try my best to keep a good front, not be a burden. I feel the black hole inside of me peeling back my outward veneer to expose who and what I really am.
I don’t believe myself anymore. I feel the scorn of failure in the past, scorned people, actions I did that I recognize were hurtful. How do I redeem myself? Is it even possible? I want traction but I just feel stuck. The more I struggle the more I suffocate.
I just want out. I’m done with this.
1 comment
For me it’s like we have only two options: to live or to “catch the bus”. If we were to live, then the best we can do is never give up and never stop trying to do our best everyday, so we can live a little less miserable life.