School is my bane

During the summer my depression was able to chill out a bit, but now that school is about to start for me I am starting to really worry that it will come back full force… I have no friends at my school as I am anti-social and have social anxiety, a few people have tried to become friends with me but those are only really immature kids, or it could just be me rejecting people for some reason that I can’t explain.

I’m a complete mess and its really embarrassing, I’m always tripping over my own feet, or on the stairs, or I say stupid things that don’t make any sense. I have a limp when I walk so I always get paranoid that when people look at me they are doing nothing but judging me inside their head, or if someone is laughing and looking in my direction that they are laughing at me. Its really sad ya know? I’m going to be a senior yet I’m still scared to go to school, I’m socially awkward aswell so that makes it so I can’t make any friends if I want to.

I am depressed over much more serious reasons, but all this school nonsense makes it worse.. I tell people the reason why I don’t have any friends is because I just don’t want any, same with a girlfriend. But in all honestly I feel so alone and wish I had at least 1 friend who was a real friend.

I have MANY friends online, but none outside the internet, it makes me feel even more like a loser.. Oh did I mention I have the lowest self esteem you could possibly have? I feel like if I ever did get a girlfriend that she wouldn’t be happy and I would just drag her down with my depressive personality.. I’m a decently attractive guy too, I’ve been told I was cute before heh.. I lack the very things people like, Charisma, confidence, a positive attitude, etc.

Ever since I got depressed I have developed a very negative way of seeing things in the world, I have never done anything crazy like party or anything. I haven’t hung out with anyone since middle school, everything is a mess and I don’t know what to do… I know for a fact that I will end up doing what I always do, fake being sick and just dwell in my loneliness and sadness as the rest of the people in my school are laughing with their friends while my grades take a turn for the worst.

I wish I had a solution, but any that I can think of gets stomped out by one of my social disorders… My mind creates obstacle after obstacle and I can’t get past them all… Help? I’m so scared and I don’t know what to do. My  depression is hard enough to deal with as it is, I don’t want it ruining my life further as it has been.