So Lonely

My cousin did it. When he was eighteen, about a week before my fifteenth birthday. Eighteen years old. He had almost graduated high school. He was the greatest person in the entire world to me–my hero, my idol, my best friend. When he took himself away from us, I could not get it through my head. Why would he do this to us? Why would he deprive the world of his existence and leave the rest of us here to pick up the pieces? I simply could not understand.

Now that I am eighteen, I understand perfectly. He viewed the world the exact same way I do now–empty, cruel, unforgiving. In other words, not worth the effort of life. When I try to look into the future…well, I don’t see one. I can’t envision a world in the future that includes me.

God knows I’ve tried to reach out, get help. Friends cannot understand, but they try to empathize. They can’t do that either. Neither can my family understand, but they don’t even try to connect. My father is the most emotionally distant person in my entire life, and my mother is the most emotionally manipulative. She’s made it very clear what she thinks of my existence, anyways. My past with her is something I would like to just forget all together. She bruised me when I was a child, on my arms, on more than one occasion. The screaming, the shaking, the grabbing, the hitting, the slapping…nobody just forgets shit like that. I don’t remember the last time she told me she loved me. I don’t know if she ever told me she loved me.

I know I am ranting, and I’m sorry. I am just so incredibly lonely, and I have no other place to go to, not a single soul on this earth who gives a damn whether I live or die. It’s a horrible feeling to have–to know with certainty that you are worth nothing to everyone. Even your own family. I am so lonely. I just want to die. Death would be a million times better than this crushing loneliness and worthlessness that plagues me every day. Now that I’m starting to know exactly how my cousin felt 3 years ago, I think I’m finally going to do it. I guess I’m not really seeking advice or help on here. I just wanted to get this out to somebody, somewhere, before I did it.

So goodbye, whoever you are. Thanks for listening.