Note: I am home now, I wrote the following earlier this evening.
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I am glad I did this test run. I encountered a few issues. Technology related issues. I had hoped to make this post on site, but I think I have broken my phone. It won’t tether to my laptop. :\ I will have to get that fixed. Then, there’s the little issue of very sketchy mobile coverage. I am basically in a hole in the ground.
I am writing this on site and saving it to upload when I get home. I am listening to my final mix tape. The first track, “The Other World” by Jakatta, is what I want played at my funeral.
When I got here, my heart started pounding and tears started streaming down my face. I’m still crying as I type now. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s tears of relief that it will be over soon? Or maybe I’m going to miss everyone and everything more than I let myself believe.
Technology issues aside, this is a wonderful spot. When I walked out of the car earlier, I got to breathe the clean, crisp early evening air and I got to hear a wonderful array of sounds. I may need to source another phone with better reception in this hole in the ground – and one that will actually talk to my bloody laptop.
I am now up to the second track on my mix tape. “Toi Et Moi” by Zero Noel. It’s in French and it’s beautiful. It also sums up how I feel about the one I fell for, but not the one I married.
When I do this for real, I have no idea how far I’ll get into my mix tape before I no longer hear anything. I wonder what those that find me will make of it, if I’m honest. I’m 5 tracks in. “Playground Love” by Air. I freaking love Air. They are awesome. Ironically, this track is from the soundtrack to “The Virgin Suicides”. Whilst I’m not a virgin, I might as well be. At the ripe old age of 36, I’ve only ever kissed 5 girls, and 2 of them were in the last 12 months. Neither of the two I kissed in the last year were my wife.
How do I feel right now? I feel oddly peaceful, if tearful. I feel that this is still most likely the right thing for me to do, and I think the test run was an excellent idea. I want to leave knowing that all loose ends are tied up. If I’m fighting technology during my last few moments in this existence, I’m not going to be in the right frame of mind.
Bebel Gilberto is now having her way with my ears. I really hope that this is the last song I ever hear. I could do with a G&T right now.
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As I discussed in an earlier post, I attempted to self-suffocate again. I didn’t quite get to the unconscious stage, but I did get to quite a nice feeling. I can see why some kids get into the Choking Game.
I think I’m just that little bit closer to being ready. In fact, there was a couple of times tonight where I had seriously considered going ahead with an all out suicide attempt. It was only lack of communication, and thus inability to program my suicide notes to go out automatically after my passing, that stopped me.
12 comments
I love that song by Air too, the sax is amazing…I suppose u have everything all planned out now. It sounds peaceful I can almost picture the moments u described, i guess i can paint the rest in my head ( a man in his mid thirties, peacefully listening to the music, watching the view from his favourite place) Btw how does the view look like?
Whenever i hear the word suicide somehow it reminds me of “the myth of sisyphus” by Camus, the essay outlines how life is absurd and futile but that doesn’t mean suicide is the answer for some “the struggle itself is enough to fill a man’s heart”, although I use to agree with his conclusion, i now know it is not always true. For some “the struggle” can never be enough specially when the distance between reality and ur expectations is all that u see. It is not my place to tell u to stay, but we’ll all be sad here at SP. What happened to the person u loved? How did u end up marrying someone u didn’t love? Don’t mean to be so nosy I just want to understand where ur coming from.
Music is one of the only things that really helps. Thanks for sharing the songs. I hope you decide not to go through with this, but I can see from your other posts that you have thought over this thoroughly. As a fellow human being, I would be sad if something happened to you, but it’s your choice.
By the way, I love your user name. Are you french?
Music is a lifesaver. I can’t even tell you how many times i have been on the brink of just giving up and a song comes on and it is exactly about how i feel and what i’m thinking. Music can change a person’s mood at times. if i’m in the shittiest mood and it is raining with these dark looming clouds and this upbeat song that is just so happy and dance worthy comes on i will literally get up and dance maybe even scream the lyrics like an idiot but hey i feel better! 🙂 I’m sorry you are still considering leaving us but i really can’t fully understand how you feel. i hope something changes your mind. even if it is something as simple a a good song on the radio 😛
Ask I read over your post I’am simply dumbfounded and amazed of the many striking similarities between your plans and mine. I too have made a test run of my plan and even scouted out a few distance places to do the deed when I’m ready to go. I never planned to commit suicide at home since I’am a pretty quiet guy and if I did kill myself there that would like make a huge commotion and draw and crowd in the neighborhood (something like a police crime sense & crying folks). ………anyway I wish you well friend regardless of go through with plans or if you change your mind.
-Travel Well
Thanks. I’m on my phone at the moment, so I can’t go into deep answers. When I get in front if a computer, I will post more detailed responses.
I adore “playground love”, one of my favorite songs. And I also love love love the virgin suicides! Maybe a reason to stick around will be to kiss more girls? Kissing is awesome..you should kiss as many people as possible.
I don’t know your whole story..but are you in the middle of a divorce? What has brought you to this point? I like to see other peoples reasons for ending it and comparing them to mine. To see how I rank on the reasons. Strange thing.
@xylem: One thing I wish I’d done earlier was read more. There is so much I have been meaning to read: Camus, Dostoyevsky and Sartre are but three. As far as my marriage is concerned, much of the backstory can be found in an earlier post of mine. But, to quickly recap, I’ve been with one woman for 18 years. We settled down very young. I now realise that we got together for the wrong reasons, I still love her dearly as a person but I’m no longer in love with her. Much of this is because she has always had difficulty expressing her feelings, and it got to a point where I’ve all but given up trying to express mine.
@BehindTheSmile: Thank you for your kind words. Music can be helpful to set a mood, either positive or negative. I’m not French, but I am a huge fan of French things.
@restrictingheart: I’m not surprised you’ve been on the brink! I’ve read your posts. Oh my goodness. It really sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Without wanting to sound crass, it also seems to ram home the old saying ‘money can’t buy happiness’.
You’re right, music can help put me in a time or place. Sometimes positive, sometimes not so much. About half the songs on my final mix tape are related to the woman I fell in love with, and recall certain moments we shared.
Thanks for your reply. 🙂
@butterflyfly: No, no divorce. Yet. I’ve answered a little of this in another reply in this thread. Possibly the best explanation for how I got here is this: http://suicideproject.org/2012/07/the-only-two-basic-human-emotions-are-love-and-fear/
Thank you for letting me know you have read my posts. It means alot mostly cause damn were they super long and it must have taken you forever to rad! lol. And ironically it does bring home that saying too bad the rich will never truely understand it.
& hey maybe you shouldn’t be put in a bad mood when you hear those songs related to the woman you fell in love with. Love is something worth remembering. You may not have it now but reminice didn’t that feeling of love overpower you at one point wasn’t it like you were on a constant high? If so then it was true and just knowing that at one point in time you had it gives you hope that it is possible it may happen again. That is a little ray of hope itself. We can all live with a little ray of hope. 🙂
Beautifully written post Sansesperer, very sad subject matter of course. I will go check out your tracks. I’m a Francophile too by the way. I love French films, French food, French literature and French philosophy, plus of course, the beautiful French language.
I fell in love with Paris at a young age and we’re still in a long distance relationship. I worked as an au pair there when I was 18, before I went to Uni, and learned fluent French. Later in life I went back to Uni and ended up minoring in French which included cinema, to my delight.
Restrictingheart, I second pretty much everything Sansesperer says about you. You have had a terrible time by the sound of things, and it DOES go to show that wealth is no protection against abuse or the grief that results.
Bless you. Zx