To End the Fake Life of a Liar.

Hello. I’m Sydnee. Im a 20 yr old female and I’m looking to end my life by taking 16 sleeping pills and drinking 90 proof vodka…Tonight.

This will hopefully be the only post I ever write, and the only reason why I’m writing one is because I’ve read a lot of the things people have said on here and I feel maybe someone can relate to me and maybe I can save them or give them an idea so that they won’t be as alone as I am right now. This is a little piece of my story and hopefully the end.

I’ve wanted this for as long as I can remember and I’ve tried in so many different ways, yet my emotions for the ones I loved always lead to failed attempts that only I witnessed. At this point in my life, I’ve pushed everyone I’ve cared for away in some form or fashion be it my family or my friends. I have no one to talk to, relate to, cry to, anything. I even moved states so that I could maybe start over, but it appears that you cant run from your past and more importantly, yourself.

I used to be so carefree, happy, innocent, and I had an amazing fire for life and everything that came with it. I honestly don’t remember why I changed.. I can’t remember if something happened to me to make me this way when I was 12 or what… but its been so long that I can’t remember how I even used to feel, I can’t trick my mind into going back to how I used to be. I can not remember the last time I was 100% honest with someone on every level. The person I am now… is a cold, dark, lonely, chronically depressed LIAR who is an expert at deceiving and manipulating situations and others. Its unfair how good I am at making people believe something… and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t know how to stop and I don’t think I ever will. The lies, the emptiness and the numbness I feel are too much for me to bear. I will always be alone.

Tonight, weather I fail or not, I want everyone I know to know about it either by seeing my dead body or seeing my fragile one in a hospital. I don’t care. I want them to be in as much pain as I have been in sense I was 12 years old. I want them to feel an empty void in their soul, to have anything remind them of death every single day and to have my suicide letter linger on in their minds for the rest of their lives. Maybe then they’ll take down their tunnel vision and learn to listen to people when they’re depressed. Maybe then they’ll learn how to empathize with someone instead of tearing them down, calling them names and ignoring their problems. My parents never listened or took my depression seriously… their own opinions and way of thinking blocked them from helping their child.. instead, they are the ones who hurt me most.

All I want is peace, and I can’t have that in this life anymore.

To those of you looking to end your lives as well, May your reasons be just and may you find peace in your choice.