My aunt died after having cancer for four years. It was six days before my twelfth birthday. I was in sixth grade.
I felt nothing.
Jump forward a year and three months: Christmas 2010. During my seventh grade year.
My grandparents were crying while we were opening presents. It had something to do with a photo album, sent by my uncle, which had pictures of my aunt in it or something.
My depression started then. It’s lasted for almost two years now, getting progressively worse. It started out as grief, and from then until the first few months of eighth grade, whenever I’d hear about cancer or suicide I’d start crying (there were three suicides at our school district during my seventh grade year).
During the summer before eighth grade, I decided that I wouldn’t matter. That I’d just do whatever my parents wanted me. I’d be a robot. Well, of course that’ll never happen; it’s impossible. I still wish I could do that but it just doesn’t work. Sometimes when I get particularly angry or sad or something I’ll become stony, trying my hardest to shut myself in.
Now… it’s almost like I have no feelings. Recently I’ve been feeling more and that’s annoying, but I’ve worked hard to stop feelings that I had a few months ago… I also don’t remember things. I can’t remember much of my childhood at all. Was this because I’ve blocked it out, or was my childhood just uninteresting? I think the latter. Nothing especially bad happened when I was a kid. We never did anything. Just church all the time, a few vacations… The exciting things happened when my aunt was sick and when she died. Before that… Nothing. Nothing.
I want to die. So much. My parents are controlling. I feel like someone’s going to say I’m just seeking attention and complaining, that I’m just behaving like every other teenager. I’ll just write this in the hope that someone might take me seriously.
I don’t have anything of my own. My brother is skilled at basically everything. He’s athletic, he’s musical, he’s artistic… He writes songs and paints and draws all the time. He’s a photographer, kinda. He sings.
The only things left to me are academics, and I’m tired of filling this stereotype so much. I’ve always been called the bookworm. Everyone says I’m so smart and I read all the time. I know those things are compliments, but I want to do something. I don’t want to be curled up on the couch reading all the time. I want to actually do something but I hate being around people, and anyway I don’t have the power to go places. I can’t drive yet and I live in the smallest town ever. pop.4000.
I don’t have a sanctuary that’s just for me. I don’t even feel safe in my own room, because my parents barge in on me all the time. I have to keep my computer downstairs because they don’t trust me. I can’t get a lip piercing because they don’t like it. I can’t wear a shirt that fits my personality because my mom doesn’t like it. I can’t paint my room because they don’t like it. Whenever I say anything that has any personality in it they ask if I’ve taken my pills.
I just don’t know what the point is anymore. What’s the point of life if you can’t even do what you want? I’m never going to be independent from them. I’ll never be able to even breathe without hearing their little criticisms in my mind. I want to fucking die.
7 comments
Hey there, i assure you that you’ll definitely be taken seriously here; at least by me! You say this all started during that christmas; perhaps you had unresolved sentiments toward your aunt and never greived properly? That may be something to look into. Listen, emotions are like a fire if you let them out the fire will eventually die down, however if you hold them in an enclosed space they become a bomb. Thats what suicide is; an explosion.
You say you’re tierd of being a book worm, but you can’t go anywhere and do anything. I must say you’re in a great position. Know why? because you want to do something! Have you tried exercising? it releases endorphins and improves self esteem both of which combat depression. it can also be done in your room outside wherever you dont even need equipment. if you want to go out and do something you dont need a car. tried skate boarding? rollerblading? bike? even just riding around is really refreshing. you could try learning to play an instrument the list goes on.
You say your parents are strict; well that’s about the same story everyone has to tell don’t worry soon you’ll be out on your own and able to live as you please. I think you can definitely work through these hard times!
Yeah, that’s what I think happened with my feelings about my aunt. My mom was a crying mess from when Aunt died until Christmas; after that she stopped and I guess it was my turn.
I know that I’m not supposed to hold my emotions in, but I don’t know how I can express them without my parents freaking out. I used to see a counselor, and I want to see her again (I asked my mom to set up an appointment), but having a therapist isn’t the same as having a friend, and I don’t think I could trust anyone enough to let them in. I feel like the only thing I can do is explode.
I have exercised a bit. But the thing is, I’m so skinny I can’t actually do anything. I love biking and I can go for a while, but I have a hard time motivating myself for a bike ride with my dad. I have a hard time motivating myself for anything, really. :p And I can’t do it in my room, I hate doing things in my room because I’m afraid my parents are going to walk in.
I could bike places, but our town is built on a hill. The only reason I’d want to bike anywhere is if I had an actual destination, like school. I’m too clumsy to skateboard, and my brother does that anyway… after learning to ice skate I hate rollerblading.
I’m not smart enough to learn an instrument. The only instrument I would enjoy playing is the piano and my brother does that.
No. I won’t be on my own. I’ll always have my parents in my head, criticizing me. Even if I’m on the other side of the globe, I’ll always be thinking about what my parents would say if they saw me… I know they’ll be judging me all the time. I’ll never be able to live as I please.
Thanks.
Wow, this is so similar to my story.
What you said about the memory loss, i haven’t told anyone but i have so much trouble remembering my childhood, and recently i have started to forget things more and more. I couldn’t tell you what happened a year ago.
I too began to shut myself in and become emotionally unavailable. And it worked for a while. But i think that is why we have repressed memories now.
Our bodies shut down and my brain in particular has learnt not to remember anything.
Also, my family is VERY controlling. I can’t stand them sometimes.
I began wearing lots of eye liner and brought black clothes when i was young, because that made me feel better. But i would be called ugly and disgusting from my family. No one would support me.
But i feel better for sticking up for what i wanted, they don’t say much about it anymore because i didn’t care. I never get told i look pretty unless i have no make up on and i’m in coloured clothes. Which annoys me.
But that is the way it is.
Don’t feel like you have to be accepted by others. Live your life the way you want to.
I know it sounds hard, but after you begin expressing yourself through speech and image you will find confidence and you won’t care what they think anymore.
Give it a try. Please don’t give up on the ‘you’ inside.
Thank you for your post, it has made me feel more positive about my choices 🙂
I’m glad you’re able to connect with me! c:
I know; it’s kinda freaky yet somewhat relieving. Even when something reminds me of shit times in my life, I don’t feel a thing. It’s like I turned off part of my brain so I don’t feel anything. I wonder if it’s related to dissociation at all.
It’s good that you stuck up for yourself. I just feel like I can’t do that at all, because it seems like my parents have total power over me. When I try to do something independent and they start telling me no, I just shut down and I can’t support my argument at all. Or if I can support my argument, they don’t listen to me, and all of my efforts have been for nothing.
Aggh I just don’t feel like I can express myself! it’s like trying to swim in the deep end of a pool where the walls are five feet above the water and there are no ladders or anything. No one’s helping me and I just want to stop trying to tread water.
I’m starting to really hate the ‘me’ inside. Really starting to hate that I still want to be independent. It just gets in the way.
You say that now but i’d be willing to bet a ways down the road you’ll think differently. I’m not sure if you’re still sad about your aunt but if you are definitely talk to someone a counseler would probably be perfect for something like that. You say you can’t motivate yourself well that’s what i think you should try to use those emotions for. whenever your feeling like your going to explode instead of getting depressed use that energy to do something; go jogging or ride your bike somewhere then when your done you’ll be tierd and clear headed. well anyways that’s just my 2 cents
btw you’re never to skinny to exercise.
I’m not still sad about my aunt. Well, I might be, but I don’t feel it. I know a counselor is good to talk to, but a friend I could trust would be even better.
Good idea. I might try that.
Thanks c:
Parents who are controlling? I hear you. Goodness, what was the first black shirt I got? It was five sizes too big and made me look like a tub of lard. I wore it anyways cause it was black and I could tuck inside of it whenever I felt horrible. I’ve kind of felt the same thing… except… whenever a family member dies, I don’t even feel a thing anymore. I mean, the most emotional thing I remember from my childhood was losing my mind over my grandparents’s dog when she died. Believe me, a kid crying for two weeks over a dog wasn’t very ‘normal’. I know what you’ve been feeling. It takes a long time for parents to even begin to understand… anything. Will you be able to go to college at all? If you do, go! Go Go! College is the place to start over. You can ignore parents and dress for them (eck) when they come over. The rest of the time, dress however, nobody cares in college. Seriously. A few guys came into my class in black priest robes and the hated religion. Imagine that.