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Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this, but i needed to say something to let stuff out for once. My life has not been very terrible, I just feel it was an unsuccessful one. I have known i wasn’t going to make it very long since i was 13, I would try to imagine myself doing normal things like getting a drivers license or dating but i just couldn’t see it or feel it. My father was physically abusive to my sister and mother and emotionally abusive to me, my mother divorced him when i was 2 but she was scared and had an unlucky choice of a lawyer and he was able to get away with paying only 200$ a month for child support (the second my sister and i turned 18 he cut us off) along with annual visits. My mother had to raise me and my physically and mentally handicapped sister (epileptic, autistic, 2x stroke victim all before she was even 20) all on her own. When i was younger i admit i would get excited about visiting him but the second i stepped foot in the air port i would get sick to my stomach and never could figure why, only after the excitement of having a father again washed off and the quick remembering of last visits did i begin to regret being near him (the quiet ride to his house gave me lots of time to think). But i was young and its hard for a little kid to believe their own father doesn’t care for you enough to even give you and your handicapped sister a bed to sleep on (we would often sleep on the floor, sofa, or porch). His abuse has left me afraid of loud noises and unable to stop from crying or panicking when someone raises their voice or i feel cornered and in trouble, along with many health problems from a combination of bad genetics and malnourishment as a kid. I am severely obese even though i am only 18 and have been overweight my entire life which makes me feel inferior to others my own age and have never got along with kids my age. The idea of having a job scares me, the fear of doing things wrong terrifies me because that’s when my father would yell and shake me. I stopped communicating and visiting my father when I was 15 and i started remembering the things he did more, such as seeing him beat my 4 yr step brother (it kills me to know i have a brother out there but have only ever met him 3 times and haven’t seen in 7 yrs) for something as simple as crying for not wanting to take a bath, me hiding from him in closets and under beds just to be ranked out and everything going black, and him making my post stroke, paralyzed on left side, sister sleep on the floor near a air vent after my mother specifically told him not to, leaving my sister to get so sick she almost died and had to get a stomach tube put in just so she could eat. I know there are worse off people out there but the guilt i feel for the burden i am to my mother is unbearable, i see her worry about me more and more each day. I try to give her hope that at least one of her daughters is normal, but i can tell she knows I’m not right in the head. last year the closest thing i had to a normal family member died and that’s when i started going down hill only recently after it happened again have i completely given up, i have nothing to care for anymore, no more worries. Ive started getting paranoid, i seem to be getting paranoid about my mother i think its a way for me to push her away so it will be easier on me not to care. All i want to do is sleep, nothing interests me and i have nothing to look forward to, life just has no purpose for me and i have no purpose in it, I’m not hungry (i cant even finish my favorite meals anymore), my head feels foggy and as if the gears are all stuck, i cry almost everyday and I’m not even sure why half the time, and i keep forgetting things even my own age i don’t feel 18 i don’t feel like Ive changed at all since i was little. I cant talk to my mom about these things because shes fragile, when i was little i got upset over nothing and for some reason told her i wanted to kill myself, which i didn’t. i hate myself for hurting her like that especially after the doctors took advantage over a mothers worry and convinced her i need expensive therapy and drugs (that did nothing). Ever since then i make sure to not tell her anything i know she will be sad over, she doesn’t deserve all the terrible things that have happened to her i just don’t want to worry her anymore. And i know the pressure to be like everyone else will only get worse shes wants me to work and Ive already done a couple interviews and I’m panicking, i can’t work with other people, strangers, i cant handle responsibility. I feel like I’m going to crack any day now, that I’m going to say or do something i cant fix, or that I’m going to lose myself and fall apart. I’m so tired, I just want to sleep and not wake up.