History of Me

I’m 15 years old and i have been wanting to kill myself for at least 3 to 5 years.
The only thing holding me back is my family and what my death would do to them – That and the fact that i’m kind of nervous about successfully manage to kill myself.
I’m scared of what’s next – do we get reincarnated? or do we stay in either eternal hell or paradise?
I’m scared for my family – will they cope? will they hate me?
I’m scared of how they will deal with it.
I’m not scared of pain – I’ve been cutting myself for years.
I’m trying to hold on – to see if it gets better, if this is just a really long phase we all go through or if it’s me and how i really do feel.
I’m  just a coward – it hasn’t gotten better – i’m just postponing it and i shouldn’t, it would just hurt them more.