In the last few weeks, I’ve gotten barely past three times when I was really suicidal. Once I was more ready to die than I ever have been my whole life – I had means, I had opportunity, I had everything. I’m amazed I survived it, actually.
But then I thought I was getting better. I agreed to a Safety Plan, and I was working it. But then I got hit with some big emotional pain again last night, and today I don’t give a hoot about a Safety Plan. I’m just tired of going through this over and over again. And for what? The one part of my Safety Plan I couldn’t really fill out was “My reason(s) for living”. Other than “It would cause others pain if I die”, I can’t come up with any other reason. And when I get confronted with how badly I’ve already hurt those people, now I can’t think of why that “reason to live” even matters.
I’ve spent my whole life being a reject, a weirdo, a loser. Though I did have part of my life built up in a good career – but then the economy tanked, and now I’m realistically too old to go back to school, and my former career no longer really exists. So I’m doing grunt work for the next 20 years, owning more bills than I can pay, struggling with growing health issues I don’t have insurance to cover (even though I “make too much” to qualify for any assistance).
I decided today that I’m just going to stop trying to worry about it. When and if I actually get to that point of being ready to die, then I’m just going to do it. No more fighting. No more trying to make it better but failing. My life really does seem pointless, and I think it’s just going to end that way.
Thanks for listening.