Im 24 years old, married, a mother of two, and i have been suicidal since the age of 12. I attempted many times, been hospitalized, been on any med you can think of, and i still cant pull myself out of this. Truth is, i love my husband, but our relationship was abusive in the past, i developed PTSD. Also coupled with molestation as a child, i have alot of anxiety. I have also discovered that i have been in love with a long time friend for a long time. I sleep with him on occasion, and i just want to stay there. Like i said, my husband is sweet, and he is a great father, but it pains me so that i cannot be with the man that i would consider my soulmate.
I have been going down hill for a while now. Have attempted a few times with sleeping pills, hanging, but i couldnt follow through with it.
Im posting this in pure faith i wont be judged or hurt, i rarely talk about my feelings.
I have multiple dreams and fantasies about suicide. I think about it all the time, and i can spend hours researching and watching real live suicide videos. Its sick, i know, but i dont know what to do.
Any help would be appreciated. Thank you.
5 comments
Well, i don’t advocate suicide, but if you’re going to do it regardless of what i say i’ll try to help make it a little easier. As for hanging use a rope that’s not too thin, pad it a little so it doesn’t cut into your neck, wetten it so it slides taught more easily, and make sure the rope and thing you’ve tied it to is strong enough to support your body thrashing around(i feel horrible writing this)
Write your family a good long letter telling them how much you love them. Perhaps even write each person an individual one expressing how you feel and that doing this is what will give you peace.
All that being said, please try to reconsider. You’ve lasted 24 years, that’s proof that you’re a strong person. Why not try a little longer to overcome your problems? I hope you can manage to stick around.
Best wishes.
Hun, you’ve two kids. Two wonderful kids. I see you are a strong person for holding on for this long, you must fight harder. If you think this friend is your soulmate and you are kind of questioning your marriage… maybe you should see a marriage counselor. I wouldn’t advise talking to your husband by yourself if he was abusive. Really, I would try to live as long as I can just to see my kids prosper. They can be the key to your life.
If you insist on dying, then… If you want to let your family know you love them, go on some activity trips with them and really show that you love them. When the time comes, write a letter, like Scar said, maybe talk to a few to really convey that you love them.
As for the hanging, the point of hanging is to break your neck right away. You could suffocate yourself, but usually the survival instinct kicks in and you break away. So if you want to die by hanging, you want to start somewhere high enough with a long enough rope and a strong enough beam or something to support your weight. It’s a bit complicated…
well that may sound pretty stupid but what about just being with your soulmate? i guess that would be better for your kids and husband at least in his role as father and you may overcome you depression while being with the one you love.
I dont think you should go with suicide, you have 2 kids, something to live for and something you shouldn’t abandon so easily, you should live in order to see them grow up and becoming fine members of society, has for your husband x friend, if you think you will be happy with your friend and that he will accept you and your kids, i wont say you shouldn’t do it, but you might want to consider the feelings of the father of kids and how this will affect you and your kids, parenting rights, tribunal, all of that can become a big mess, and it might aggravate you psychologically, so pls consider it carefully.
I know that there are a lot of meds to take but maybe talking to your husban about what you have been going through would help then you can work together so you can get better. I know that suicide seems like the best option but I’ve been there and I’ve lost my mother and that’s really hard to handle. Don’t leave those kids they need you more than you will ever know, be there for them.