I’ve landed back at my mom’s after yet another bipolar misfortune and It’s just torture to see how happy they are here. I am the weird vampire with  permanently shut curtains in an enclosed chamber that forcibly goes out only when strictly necessary. Still the door is not thick enough to prevent my family’s loud and constant laugher from reaching my ears. I get to hear their phone conversations and how they constantly make plans to meet others, go out to restaurants, country houses, trips and even to have sex. I want to strangle them. They once asked me, would you rather all of us be depressed? and of course I don’t answer cause the answer would probably be yes! Their happy lives make me feel like such a fucking loser, this situation just rubs it in my face. I hate it when people come and visit cause I’m the weirdo in hiding that they just don’t get. They keep telling me it’s “in my hands to get better” and that makes it even worse. I can’t stand them sometimes, really, their positiveness annoys the hell out of me but I know deep down I am just very bitter, jealous and envious of them.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
18 comments
It’s understandable that you feel that way, but of course you know that allowing yourself to become bitter and envious will only make things worse. Fortunately, i’m the complete opposite, when i hear or see people who are happy and laughing it makes me happy, because i know that despite my bleak life other people are enjoying theirs. Their warmth diffuses into my chilly shell.
No matter who you are, you’ll never be happy if you let feelings like envy darken your view of the world.
Just my 2 cents.
@Scar, I know these feelings are poisonous but it’s inevitable when you have an ego of high standards and a very competitive nature. I didn’t use to be this way cause even though I always had self esteem issued I was somehow proud of myself. I never though I’d become this person and I hate it but I feel like I am starving on the feast of life and I hold a grudge against it. You seem like a very altruistic person. I thought I had noble feelings but I am not as great.
What you say. We English. Me to. Fight or end.
Black Swan i know i don’t know you, but i really wonder if you could change things before it’s too late. The fact that you have this persona here on SP means that some where inside you is the person you want to be. And as far as i’m concerned i’m as selfish as they come; i’m not sure if i’ve ever helped anyone in any meaningful sense.
Humans are biologically inclined to be competitive; it’s evolutionarily advantageous. I believe our goal as rational creatures should be to overcome the various dispositions we’ve been given. Throw away that “pride” and start eating lol
donnie, we have lost orangish. like you, he was cool. probably the coolest of them all. and now he is gone. still alive, but gone from SP. maybe forever, maybe for only a day. we don’t know. was he a man, was he a woman, or was he a monster? whatever he was, he was amazing and lots of us will miss him. until he comes back. maybe
She was cool. Let’s get him/her back.?
@Scar, Lol! You’re right about the biological inclination, I also strived at evolving from those basic instincts many times but I found no one did the same ’till one day I said, majority wins and this world’s rules are stronger than me. Thanks for your comment :).
I could every one please excuse Donnie and be patient with Donnie.
I have just realised that he is the way he is due to a failed suicide attempt. He is brain dead. Yet some of you might not notice a significant difference or no difference at all.
Yet there is still this pungent odour that seems to leave traces of him around I guess he can’t help himself….
You can’t let the majority win! If you do i will alert Nolentwohundred that you have been turned into a “sheeple” of society and he will write you a 10 page response detailing the corruption of peoples individuality by the masses.
I think people that feel this way are still passionate about living. When you are completely burnt out, whether or not the world is happy is insignificant and few things matter.
@Scar504, Lol! I know this world values are fucked up and I would be the first one to back up that 10 page document with my signature, but life here is like being in a game you can’t get out off. To be a winner you have to play by it’s rules and I hate to be a loser so that’s why quitting and let them have their victory is my preferred option.
@Duke, I used to be extremely passionate about everything. I think that will never die in me as long as I live. I am passionate still about the things I hate about my life, this world and the reality I am trapped in.
I would sell my soul to become bitter, jealous and envious. I know what it feels like because I felt it once before in childhood. I think that most of my defence mechanisms have been artificially created. I can’t react to a situation naturally.
I hope this doesn’t sound stupid or too cliche, but I have read most of your posts and have actually thought about your situation quite a bit. I know that you have some big decisions to make as far as returning to NYC or what to do next. I get it, believe me, I do. My situation (which I’m not going to get into at the moment) is very similar in many ways. Anyway the one thing that I wanted to say and I’m sure you’ve herd it before, is that your life, your experiences, and your uncanny perception of things is so honest and spot on. you could be such a great writer, or at the very least write a beautiful story. I know based upon what I’ve read you already have a relationship with fantasy, Hollywood ambitions and the like. I just wanted to encourage you to write a novel or screenplay. You could create an amazing work of Art, biographical or not. I truly mean it.
Whether you realize it your story is amazing. Writing it out in one form or another may allow you to make some peace with the journey you’ve experienced so far and even help you create an alternate ending. At this point is there anything to lose? And think about the people you might be able to help, yourself included.
Thank you Mimito, it’s very nice to know that you took the time and interest to read my posts. Some people have mentioned I should do that. If get to live I might try it. Thanks again :).
Your posts are my favorite.
🙂
henk.j.coetzee@gmail.com