i want to die but…

i want to die but i don’t want to commit suicide. i just wish i could close my eyes and it will all be over. i also sometimes imagine what it would be like if i were in an accident, attacked, etc. i’ve never had a long streak of happiness. i’m unhappy, depressed, sad, angry, paranoid, and self loathing all the fucking time. if i ever try to tell someone, i’m told that i’m not really depressed and i’m just stressed and it will pass. i’m told not to pretend that i have a problem. i’m not saying i have a fucking “problem”. i’m saying i fucking hate my life and i want it to end. would the people in my life even care? do the people who claim they love me even bother to be sad? would they move on quite quickly? who would actually cry and who would just put on airs for appearances? i feel like i’m always blamed for everything. even when someone else has hurt me and i tell them that i’m upset, i’m told that i’m overreacting and end up being the one apologizing. if i’m always wrong and i always have to apologize, then what’s the point? if no one is going to put an effort in with me, then why should i put an effort in? i don’t see my purpose anymore. i don’t see a future. i don’t see anyone in my future. any guy who has said to be in love with me has been a lie. i bet you anything that this current guy is a lie too. i’m just waiting for it. i’ve tried seeing a therapist & psychiatrist but to no avail. honestly, even they don’t have the time to see me so i keep getting referred elsewhere. a goddamn doctor doesn’t even want to talk to someone looking for help. what the fucking fuck? anyhoo, senior year of college has begun. i hate my life. i feel alone. i am alone. there’s no point to my life anymore. i do scratch to the point of bleeding but i don’t have it in me to cut, let alone kill myself. i just wish life would take care of that for me. it’d only be fair. to just not wake up tomorrow morning.