I have mostly been unable to maintain the most important relationships to me. My destructiveness has driven my closest friends away from me. I realize this has been true for all of my life.
I’ve always contemplated suicide. I was ready to commit suicide when I was a teenager in high school, but my older brother  committed suicide before me. I saw the pain my family members went through, and I felt I couldn’t ever do it. It’s been years since then. I was 16 at the time. I’m 22 now… I don’t feel too sorry about what happened to him. That’s a whole other story. He was extremely abusive growing up, and I think I’ve been really messed up as a result of that. I’m not close with family members because they never want to talk about anything. They would rather bury things even though a lot of what’s happened in the past has affected me in really negative ways.
I’ve just graduated from a top tier college, and I’ve had plenty of interviews and offers. But I don’t have what’s most important to me. I don’t have my friends. I can be very selfish, and I have an unpredictable temper. It’s impossible for me to ask people to be patient with me. I learned that the hard way recently.
I feel like I’ve mostly been a burden to other people. I always knew I was bad at keeping close friends, so instead I got ambitious at the expense of other people.
I don’t want to be a burden on people I love anymore – constantly taking from them only what I need and never really being able to give much in return. I know exactly how I want to die at least, but in the meanwhile, I’m planning on how to give away my possessions and money to charities. I hope that there are people, who went through what I did (growing up really poor/very neglected/sexually abused) that can put these things to good use and have a greater will than I do to survive.
Suicide is a selfish thing I know, but I have no capacity to live for others if I’m so unwilling to keep living for myself.
7 comments
You have great insight into your own world, most people dont even understand the way they behave and the reason behind their difficulties in relationships. You dont sound like a selfish person to me, giving your money to charity so that you can prevent and assist with real issues in the world is pretty amazing. Maybe apart of your purpose is to help other people in a way that you can.
I feel like i am losing all my important relationshps too, i tend to withdraw because i cant cope. I am also 22 but maybe theres a lot more out there that is waiting for us, new relationships to build or even the slightest hope.
I envy your position. I’d move to the coolest city I got a job offer in if I were you and see what happens.
Is it strange to plan this out all well in advance? There are some loose ends that I would have to address before I go. They might take some time to accomplish. I already came up with a schedule for when I would like things to be done a year ago. Something happened that made me abandon the plan for the last year, but my current situation is pretty convincing to me that I should go through with it maybe even sooner.
I actually moved to a new place earlier in the summer because I did get my dream job, but something happened. And now I’m alone again out here. It was something that I did that really hurt a good friend of mine. It’s something I’ve done a million times. Just before I never realized it. This time I actually cared, and he’s not here to listen anymore. I’m pretty done dealing with the same situation. I’ve pushed away everyone who has been important to me in the past.
Yeah… Giving away my things is really the least I can do. I was approached about helping start up a well-funded non-profit on behalf of some manufacturing professionals. I don’t know though. Nothing in my inner life seems to be in order ever. I really feel like in terms of my potential to build new relationships, I’m way beyond the point of atonement. I can’t believe the ways in which I’ve hurt people. I’m disgusted with myself and my actions. I don’t trust myself to be close to people anymore.
lcp: you are probably exactly what someone is looking for. sounds like you’re not ready to commit. lots of others are in the same boat.
Is it weird to plan it out in advance? I don’t really think so. However, I can tell you that when I once planned out a date well in advance, it was torturous, it didn’t make me feel any better about the situation, and I didn’t go through with it.
Right now, I would have to wait a few months to minimize the pain I’d cause anyone if I’m to do this, but I’m definitely not planning that on a certain date or in a certain month I’m going to end it. For me personally, that has just not worked for me. The danger of course with planning dates or even timelines is that maybe we are just fantasizing about something we are not really ready to do (which in my case just adds undue pain and kills motivation).
That was honestly pretty insightful. My friend, whom I haven’t spoken to in a long while, actually ended up calling 911 to check on me since we’re very far apart. Then a flood of e-mails and calls from close friends, who he told…
I still haven’t really changed my mind, but I am on the fence about everything. Now, it’s really just a matter of being willing to accept help and having faith that my network of loved ones can support me. I’ve been reading stories about people in very similar situations. I’m very lucky that my parents can arrange the best psychiatric care. I am also prone to substance abuse where I can get it… (alcohol/cocaine).
I realize the only person, who doesn’t have faith in this whole mess is me… and it feels like an uphill battle with myself.