Okay. Hi. I don’t know what posting here will do, I think I’d just like to share my thoughts on this somewhere. I’ll cover the steps I’ve taken, the thoughts I’ve idled over and my plan.
For my own reasons (which I won’t share, I’m not here to do that) I have decided that I am going to die. I’ve put a lot of thought into this, and death, and am okay with that decision. It has been in the works for a number of years. I have doubts, which I’ll cover, because anyone who can say they’re facing a big decision with no doubt is either lying, or crazy. I have read a lot about the difficulty facing me and have divided my decision into smaller pieces, which will follow.
My first step was to consider the effects on family and friends. Friends is easier to tackle. I only have one close friend, we’ve known each other for 7 years. I am very sure in her ability to deal with my death. Outside of that friendship, I’m not convinced that I have any other people in my life who would find my death difficult to accept. I know one will meet it with anger, another will get wasted and move on, the others.. will probably be sad for a week or so, then find it surprisingly easy to get on with their lives. Family.. My father won’t care. My mother will, as with my two sisters. I think this is the hardest point to tackle. I’m pretty sure of both my sister’s capability to handle this, let it brush by. My mum, I guess I’m a little worried, but she has supports in place. I know that they’ll be okay.
Next is, am I set? What is death? What happens next? This is pretty easy to brush over as I’m not religious (I don’t think many people in my position are) and don’t believe that anything will follow. I’ve looked at the fact the I’m going to die. Whatever does happen, whether it’s nothing or I’m going to hell, I’m about to find out. I’m very okay with that.
Next is to find a method. Drugs were my first thought. Well, I’ve looked into them, online pharmacies, side effects, legality and so on. It seems quite difficult, however not impossible. It seems that the best option is ********, but I am not entirely sure how I’d go about getting my hands on a dose. I haven’t looked too far into other options, it seems to be a difficult method based on the legality of drugs. Drugs were one of two methods I’ve considered and I’ve decided to use the other. The method I’m going with is inert gas asphyxia, or use of the exit bag. The bag itself I will construct according to directions found online. I mostly need pretty basic materials I can pick up from K-Mart. The other piece I need is helium, which initially worried me. However, I found two potential places I can pick some up from. I will be checking them out this weekend.
Next, location. I rent a room in some university residences. I’m not too close with my room mates. My door has a lock on it. To do it here would be the best option. I’ll put a label on the tank, so it’s identifiable. I’ll open the window slightly so any gas can just float away, not interfering with anyone elses life. My next decision is whether or not to let people know, so my body can be retrieved before it causes difficulty. I’m in two minds here. On one hand, I don’t care. On the other, I don’t want to be difficult. I considered sending an sms perhaps to someone as I make my attempt, but there is too much risk that they’ll find a way to intervene. More importantly, I don’t want to make anyone feel involved in my death. This is my decision, it’s not anyone’s fault. I want that to be clear. Another option, if I do want to let someone know, is to mail a letter on the day. I still kinda feel it’s too close to making them involved, but at least they’ll receive it after I’ve actually died. I will most likely write ‘helium in tank’ on paper and place it somewhere very immediately visible to someone entering the room – and hope that someone realises I’m missing before my body starts to smell.
Lastly. Is there anything else? I will write a general note, for everyone. I’ve got a draft down, I’m going to sleep on it. I’m tempted by writing individual notes. However, I don’t think they would do any good. Better to leave a broader one. I’ve really pressed the point that this is no ones fault but my own. I apologise. Lastly I state that I’d rather my body be disposed of in any way that does not bring financial burden to my family.
So that’s that. To bring it together, tomorrow I’ll finish my note and print it. Or write it. I’ll look into helium, possibly buy a tank according to the instructions I found. I’ll make a practise exit bag and test it somehow, with water perhaps. Then I will give myself a few days, try and see my friend one last time and say goodbye, somehow without letting her know. I’m set for Friday. Today’s Monday. Thanks for reading.
8 comments
In my opinion, writing personal notes would be better. It lets everyone know that you thought about this long and hard and objectively, from everyone’s point of view. It also allows you to clarify things to one or some, that isn’t relevant to others. You might also want to consider making short videos along with, or instead of letters. It lets the viewer know that you were calm, collected and of sound mind, when making your decision, not panicked and in a frenzy or sobbing uncontrollably the whole time. The worst images will go through their head and you may not want any or all of them to remember you that way…just sayin.
give it a fight buddy.. its worth it….
Not sure if I agree with the poster, though I’m not sure about the answer myself. I’ve been thinking about a similar issue, whether to right a big note with my reasons, justifications and rationale or a short to-the-point note focussing on the aspect that it was my decision, no one is to blame, etc.
The most important aspect of the suicide note, in my opinion, is that it doesn’t go on some tirade of blame aand guilt. It will be hard enough on people close to you that you’ve killed yourself, they need to understand that this is what you really wanted.
Your method, the exit bag, I think is enough evidence to provide proof that you’ve thought this through. Suicide methods like this are not common knowledge and you have to search actively for something like this requiring quite a bit of forethought and planning.
Good luck, I hope you find the peace that you are searching for.
Your death will have a harder impact on those around you than you realize. A ripple effect will come from your death and completely ruin others lives, just take a look at these stories; http://www.123helpme.com/search.asp?text=Eulogy . I’m not posting this to dissuade you, I’m posting this hoping that you will reconsider this once.I too was in the same position as you; I wrote notes, I too was going to use the exit bag; I was ready to die. But then I spent time with my Brother, Father, Mother, Friends, and realized it wasn’t fair of me to ruin their life. I had a responsibility to stay alive, as long as my family is alive.Another thing; since you are already committed to this, why not try and make something happen with your close female friend? Or go out and find someone new and try wild things? Why not move, sell everything and travel? Re invent your self! Yesterday is the past, today you can become completely someone different. I would also try making up with your dad, because believe it or not he WILL care that you are gone. And no matter what you think; it will be absolutely demolishing to your mother, despite supports.TL;DR If your going to die, at least try 10 new things you haven’t or wouldn’t do regularly, and make up with your Dad.
i dont know why the moderators are trying remove my comment… but seriously mr moderator, i have lost a lot of money on this mexican and nigerian frauds and at last got ******** , so why not share it with the rest of the world ….. friends , i dont know how long this comments going to be there but i got ******** from a guy named daniel , email being d4daniel_90 at hotmail dot com. i paid through paypal to be secured well rest is upto you . contact if ur really serious about it . again …..take care, i really am feeling good .
@joe-gijoe: You’re full of crap. You haven’t lost any money whatsoever, you’re a seller. You were around as another name which eludes now me but your email is the same. You’ve been hovering around this site forever and I will continue to advise people not to do business with you. Anyone that only does online wire transfers is a fraud. You are here to prey on desperate people and you are the very worst kind of human being.
Come back when you’re ready to do in-person deals.
They should remove you !!! Becouse YOU ARE A SCAM !!! and u know that , so stop fulling people that are already vulnerable , idiot!
d4daniel_90 is a complete SCAMMER. He posts under many various suicide discussion places and preys on the despairing to maybe perhaps send some ******** after of course having taken the payment first.
Please stay away from him, he is not an honest person, and is only out to EXPLOIT.