ohmaigawd, still 12, still wanna die, same shit

ohmaigawd…….. my mom and i just had this whole frigging talk about how stupid i am and how i should just die. holy shit, i swear i could just die right now but im not going to because i have to finish typing this. my mom is sending me to china next year because she is “ashamed” of having me as a child. if you went through my thoughts this is how i see it: if i die before next year then i dont have to go to china, i wont have to live this bullshit life anymore, and my mom will be happy too because she wont have to be ashamed…… she said: i dont care where you live and how you live just dont let me see your stupid face again. what the hell, mom.

i feel like every time im around her i just want to jump into a nuclear reactor and get my body blown into a million tiny pieces, like glass. but when im not around her im happy. my mom is trying to turn me into something im not. i cant dress the way i want, i cant read what i want, i cant listen to what i want, i cant draw what i want, i cant live how i want.

i want to be a manga artist= my mom says it’s impossible and that i have to be a suck dick architecht

i want to dress colorfully and fun=my mom buys me plain t-shirts that are “appropriate”

i want to draw anime= my mom doesnt want me to draw

i want to read stuff that i like= my mom wants me to read everything, even if i dont like the book, i am forced to finish it and give her a summary

i cant do anything…….

i think im just going to take an overdose on sleeping pills and die in my sleep….. oh wait, i cant……. my mom wont let me use sleeping pills…….

it was my fault anyways for her treating me like this but i want to die to show her that when she loses me, despite what she says, she will still cry. but she doesnt have the right to cry. no one has the right to cry over my death. why would you cry over a corpse of something so vulgar and distasteful? why didnt you guys cry when i was alive? instead why did you laugh? i dont get it. you think crying is going to suddenly bring me back to life? no. i want to show you that you are the stupid one. i am in so much pain right now but you spend so less time with me that you dont even know. when you asked what those cuts were on my wrists, i told you i fell and you were stupid enough to believe me. how disgusting.

im already using up all my strength to make it through the day, how much more do you expect from me? adding so much more weight to m shoulders that i eventually fall, i think that is what you want to happen to me.

these words i dont dare say to my mom. i wish i could but what would result is: i dont believe you, stop trying to make me pity you, do you think that is going to make me forgive you?

you dont believe me? fine. then i guess i’ll have to prove it.

goodbye, mom, i dont know how to express how much hate i have for you.

goodbye, dad, i dont even know if you know my first name right now.

goodbye, brother, i love you, i really do. i hope you and your girlfriend have a family someday and live to have a good life. you were loved by mom so i think it’s possible. say goodbye to Sammy for me. i’ll miss you

goodbye, lisa, gillian, shelby, riley, chandler, stephanie. thank you for being the only people that wouldnt judge me and for being my friend for the past 5 years(shelby), 3 years(lisa), 4 years (gillian), 7 years(chandler), 2 years(stephanie), 1 year(riley). i will miss all of you.

with love and hate and all the feelings in between, Victoria.