The Process

The last five years of my life, atleast since i can remember back till i was about ten, my bother has been abusive to me in forms that over brother/sister fighting…. I have lived with my mother and him my whole life. My mother who is 52 years old has none of him doing this and has not done anything about it. She is very sick and is disabled so she doesn’t make much money. My brother used most of her money on weed and stupid shit. Im still in high school. He’s 19 living with us and has not tried to even look for a job and has a record. His girlfriend and his friend lives with us causing us to spend more money we don’t have. Well a few days ago my mother and i got into it over the money and how the three of them (brother, his gf, and friend) have been using more then they should and how they need to start paying rent. Well my brother comes home and beats the crap out of me for it, he banged my head agianst the hard wood floor and kicked me/punched me. So i lift to go stay with friend in another city about an hour away from home. Now remember I’m 15 chilling with these 20 years old who take care of me and all think of me as a little sis pretty much. Well I’ve been here three/four days something like that and have come to terms on not wanting to live there no more well bc my mother will not give me the consent to move down here or kick her son and his cray people out so i can live with her. Once again he is 19 I’m 15…. i now have to go live in a group home somewhere…i have honestly gotten to the point of wanting to give up, knowing my own mother has done to this to me and let this happen in her house hold and protecting my brother and not me, and let him do the things he’s done to me breaks my heart. I feel like i have no one and I’m ready to go. I’m ready to live this earth because I’ve been searching for reasons to stay and have found none. I really wish my life could end today. But i care to much about the people who are around me to do that to them. To make them feel like they were the last ones i were with and i still did it, making them feel like they could have done more. Thats the way it always works….I already know they would all be okay in the end. It wouldn’t effect much lets just say that. It would defiantly save gas too! Anyways what I’m trying to say if I’m trying my hardest to figure out what to do. To walk away from this world while my life is some what good with people who care about me and love me before i go to a shity place. Or do i go through a few days of shity life and do it the. Id rather do it before and save some people some money. Just saying….I had a dream, a plan, goals. Well they’re gone my dreams, plans and goals now are to say good bye sunday and walk away from this world.