I came across this website looking for a suicidal hotline, and I thought maybe if I wrote it down it would be easier.
I’m 21 years old and I have been a, for a better term, cutter for 8 years. I never thought I would be this way at this age. I thought when I was an “adult” I would be past this. It’s just as strong of feeling when I was 13 as it is now.
I have the words, “things are better if I stay…” Tattooed on my left arm, and I try to believe in that. I also represent the Butterfly Project. I have killed my butterflies numerous times, and I am going to promise myself I will get better.
I feel better when I do this to myself, a sick sense of relief.
I know one day, I will end it myself. I won’t let life come to take me.
I’m going to be the one to end it. I hate my life.
It’s not a fairytale, or a pretty story, but I would give so much to have that.
I want to be happy.
I want to be okay with my life.
I want to quit cutting.
I want to quit thinking of suicide.
I just want my life back.
2 comments
Life wont just come running back from you, you have to take it back. You have to solve to solve the problems in your life. Its been a little over 7 years now since I started being suicidal, and even though ive mostly fixed my life whenever it gets really hard those feelings of self-hatred and the wish for a restart button on life start to come back. chances are ill have to deal with it the rest of my life. but what do i do? I tell those feelings to shut the fuck up and tell myself i was strong enough to make it this far and im strong enough to keep going. you yourself are very strong to have made it longer than i have in what sounds like a tougher situation than mine. You have to realize this. Your a strong person inside.
I hope you will be ok. I feel the similar to you.I want to be happy. I want to be ok.I want to not cut. and not think of suicideMore than anything I want to live.For once live my life.I just wanted to let you know I understand how you feel.(sort of)And I hope you will one day be all those things and feel that way.