I guess I should introduce myself. I’m Tempman first off. I found this site searching for how I should go about ending my life. Some of the stories here are quite depressing, so much so they make me enjoy life a little more, as cynical as that is, but alas, I’m not here to be cynical. A little background, my brother committed suicide in 2009 after a very long and dramatic story. Four years prior to his death, was the beginning of my depression, my…thoughts. In May of this year, my best friend committed suicide. I, only having one person that understood my pain, was a girl that was the about same age as my best friend, who I met about 3 months prior to my friends departure. I fell in love with this girl, but of course, that story is dramatic as well, so I won’t go too deep into it. Nonetheless, she moved away, I was sad, told her what I was planning, now she won’t talk to me, as much as I miss her, which hurts even more. Outside I wouldn’t seem to be the one to pull the trigger on themselves, not to sound narcissistic, I don’t have it too bad, I go to the gym five times a week, I laugh with my friends, I had planned on even being a model. I make videos and have plenty of constructive hobbies, yet it’s my past that brings me down. Something I don’t talk about with anyone else. My family completely forgetting about me, to focus on my brother in his time of need. A girl whose heart I broke which led her into a life of depression, such a caring girl who I had the audacity to betray. My mind I’m sure slipping closer and closer to schizophrenia, or at least some sort of mental disease. Alcoholism, addiction to adderall, sex(I know, such a bad thing right? In honesty it has more to do with the people I have hurt with this addiction), and antidepressants, ya know, the fun things. I smoke marijuana every once in awhile, I think it makes me happy after a few days of smoking this plant, but then I realize its a false happiness, and the cycle restarts. I’ve started studying things such as conciousness, spirit, chakras, and all of those good things, and honestly, today was the happiest day I’ve ever had in my entire life after applying these things, going to the mall with a friend, saying hello to everyone, walking on the catwalk they had setup for a show later on in the day. But then I was reminded of that girl, you know, the first one I talked about. About how she won’t even talk to me, even though she still means the world to me. So here I am in my misery, reading other peoples misery, writing about my misery, with four seperate tabs on my browser about…suicide. Something I had put off doing for so long because people that were close to me beat me to the punch. I could not bear putting my family through this pain again. My other brother would not be the same if all of his brothers had commited suicide. So I’m stuck. Craving death so viciously, I would do anything to obtain it, but hurting my close ones is simply not an option. But, that option dwindles smaller and smaller in meaning as each passing day becomes a reminder of the shit I am in, which only becomes a matter of time that I finally…exit…
3 comments
Hello tempman, from what i understand it sounds like things are all right except for the weight of the past that you’ve been dragging behind you. This definitely sounds like something you should talk about. Letting your story be heard will alleviate some of that weight. It’s great that you found this site, because this is a great place to talk with people who understand the way you feel. And if you really need to, have you considered or tried talking to a professional? Or maybe a close family member. Don’t hold it in or you’ll explode let it diffuse.
It sounds like you still have a lot to live for try to hang in there.
Much love.
I appreciate that. I have tried professionals and telling my family, but it always ends up with more pills being shoved down my throat, which has caused alot of my problems to begin with. Thanks for your concern.
Hi Tempman, Spiritual stuff, chakra’s, energy, flow, all good things to help, i also benefited from these, keep pursuing these things as help, in addition to what you already do, You are still active and interested in things, and could no doubt help others, that is what is needed in this world, people like you, hope you participate more on this site as well…