I suppose I am doing this correctly.. I am new here after all.
My story?
It’s a little bit too long for a post that I have the patience to make right now, so let me just sum it up so you all can get a general idea of where I am coming from.
My family: I have a mom, who can be psychotic at times but a lot of moms are. I look at her more as a person rather than my mom. Sure, she might get involved in my life attempting to be my parent but for the most part she is just there and pays for the small essentials. I’m the youngest child of 6 siblings (but none of which are fully related to me.) After raising 4 kids (because the oldest one moved out before she came into my dad’s life), she was pretty fried. Her parenting become limited and dry with me. I was the left-over child. But as you can imagine, being the baby also means that  I get viewed as the baby. I am treated like a baby, but a neglected one- if that makes any sense. My dad is a completely different story. Summary of him- he IS a psychopath who would hurt my mom and my older siblings (who at the time were between 10-14), and when my mom finally filed for a divorce she had to get a restraining order against him because he broke into our house and was pounding on our roof. Legally, I am not allowed to be alone with him at night time since that time. He doesn’t give a shit about me anyways, and any time I try to talk to him he just insults me anyways. So what’s the point?
My siblings have their own sob stories about their own fathers, but I’ll just point out my mom married two other guys before my dad and had a total of three children. These are my closest siblings.
My Current School Life: I am currently dual-enrolled with high school and our local community college. I’m taking Intro to Philosophy at the college, and as much fun as it is- it is really stressful. If you haven’t guessed, I’m a senior in high school- and my classes are either, but it’s my social life that lacks ANY skill. I have one friend, and she has many. I am shy and incredibly quiet, so I don’t say much anyways in school.
My Suicidal Past: I’ve attempted a total of 6 times. The most memorable time was a few years ago when I ended up telling a friend, and she called the cops. They came to my house at 11pm or so, and my mom answered the door. We talked to him together a little bit and I lied about everything. I didn’t want anything to happen; I was scared. Not only of the cop, but of my mom too. This was not the first time she had to deal with my ‘suicidal issues’ and she was PISSED the first time (in 8th grade), so I figured she’d be even worse this time. After the cop left, my mom was obviously asking all questions and I remember a few details clearly:
1. I told her I was still trapped in the loop of cutting, and she asked me to show her my arm. I did. Her response?
“Those look like scratches to me.. that’s nothing.”
2. She promised me she would get me a therapist the next day. That everything would be better. Guess what happened the next day?
She acted as if nothing happened, and she ONLY brought it up to my siblings in order to explain how much of a problem child I am.
Another time I remember clearly, was when my mom left me home alone for 2 weeks in order to go to Oregon to take care of my sister, because she was in the mental hospital and also transferring to rehab for her alcoholism (The doctor’s say she has the worst case of alcoholism he has ever seen in his career, she has had this issue for the past 6 years). I attempted to do the whole, car carbon-dioxide thing, and I apparently didn’t do it right, because I couldn’t do it. When I got out of the car though, I couldn’t stand. No one even knows about that one.
Currently: I guess I just want to sum up my current issues, considering that is the most important thing right now.
I have been cutting for a total of almost 6 years, and no one does jack-shit about it because I can keep it safe, and in control (for the most part). I have suffered from anorexia in the past, and it comes back every once and a while, right now is one of those times. I do have suicidal thoughts every day, and I have had them every day ever since I can remember. I would even write about death when I was in elementary school. If you ask me, I feel like that is just fate. I must have depression, but I’ve never been ‘diagnosed’ so I think it might be a safe assumption.
For all of those people out there who want to tell me “Try talking to a school counselor or someone else you can reach out to.” Let me give you a little list, and a sentence of what happened. Shall we?!
~In 8th Grade, my middle school counselor would make me talk to her almost every single day. And I did because I was scared, lost, lonely, and for the most part just stupid. I did what she wanted because I didn’t know what else there was to do. One day, she pulls me out of class and asks me to show her my arm. I did. She saw the band-aid I had on (because back then I used band-aids, they were small enough then,) and she raised her voice in the hall (where doors WERE open) and says, “SO, you have time to CUT yourself, but you don’t have time to talk to ME!?” And she made me follow her to her office, she called my mom, my mom came in the next day after school- we all talked about everything.. and the counselor promised me my mom wouldn’t be mad..
My mom was PISSED.. she yelled at me. Told me I was an embarrassment. Said I was stupid, and I need to keep thoughts of suicide to myself. Â I never talked to that counselor again.
~The next year, in 9th grade (freshman in high school) Â I tried talking to that counselor. Let’s just say, after spilling out every secret I was holding back, she handed me a journal and told me to start writing. She didn’t want me to come back into her office after that.
~I tried telling my ex’s (current boyfriend in 9th grade) parents, and they helped for the most part but when they started going through his things and texts, they found out how bad I really was, and came over to my house late at night, and talked to my mom and me about it. It was scary, and of course after they left my mom was FURIOUS, but she simply blamed it on his parents instead.
I have told friends, but they can’t do anything, because they know my mom will just tear me down and ignore it. The cops can’t help me. Parent’s and counselors can’t help me. I can only help myself, and why would I want to? Really!? I have my own motivation, and I have my mind pretty set on what I want and think I need. My views on life are simple: It is not worth it. You become happy for a day, maybe two.. or maybe only a few minutes. It can take a lot of work to reach that happy point, but it only takes a fraction of a second to strip it all away. When it is stripped, I fall fast and hard into that deep pit of depression, and I stay there to wallow and self-loathe myself into a mental breakdown.
Why would I keep living when it’s just a constant roller-coaster of that? Sure, I can be happy, but what is the point? I have NO purpose in life, so why carry out a meaningful life if in the end, I’ll just die anyways? I’m not a genius in any specific subject, I get good grades but that doesn’t matter- it’s only high school. College is much more difficult, and then comes work, and responsibilities. I don’t need that. I don’t want any of it! I don’t even want to have a family, because it’s all just suffering anyways. I have so so many reasons as to why it’s just, a good idea vs. how many I have for why it’s a bad one.
I guess that’s just me. Sorry for such a long post.
8 comments
Sorry to hear you’ve had such a rough time. I guess when you have 6 siblings each with different fathers and a mother with problems with acohol and a psychotic father, there’s really no way you could grow up normally. Good job on making it this far though.
It sounds like even though you’re young you’re already tierd from all the stress you’ve had to deal with and don’t have the energy left to deal with life. But you’re almost old enough to move out right? Maybe things will change for you when you get out and start your own life. Try to make it until then. If you need someone to talk to i/everyone else here would be more then willing to listen.
And if you ever need help with your philosophy class you should definitely ask me, because i’m a philosophy nut who stays up all night studying it for fun. 😛
Thank you for the support. I’ve been looking forward to the day I can move out since I was 12, but more in the way of ” I’ll have the time and place to take my life.” Also, none of my siblings live with me anymore, I forgot to mention that. So next year after I graduate my mom is moving to New York and is leaving me here, three states away.
It is not easy but it doesn’t seem hard either, just exhausting and I am sickof everything!
Even if things do get better, so what? I’ve always thought about death even in times when I was my happiest; it’s an obsession.
I’ve looked forward to the age of 21 strictly because I can buy a gun.
I have been living my life so I can take it away.
But I’d love to talk about philosophy with someone, it really is an amazing class.
I completely understand, even when i was “happy” i’d always think of death. It’s somewhat of an obssesion. For many years i wanted to make it to 21 for the exact same reason.
It is an amazing class because it is an amazing subject. lol I’d love to talk about it as well, but be warned it may not help your will live.
I’m honestly tempted to make my due date sooner, preferably within this year. I guess I will wait to see when the opportunity presents itself..
And wait, are you saying you think philosophy won’t help my will to live?
Because if so, you’re both wrong and right.
Wrong because I am interested to learn more,
but right because we discuss life- an how it really is just a long journey of suffering.
I hope you can work on finding something new to live for once you graduate high school. For the longest time, and still currently sometimes do, find myself feeling so lonely. I don’t really have many friends because I moved out of state, to be with my husband. He is not very emotionally supportive and I’ve found myself feeling so hurt because of how lonely I would feel. I’ve learned that I put expectations to highly on him and that I had to try to do things that would make me happy. I’ve thought about ending my life and how I would be out of misery, then I think to myself that I am not going to take the easy way out. (I Tried pills and it was not successful, obviously). But I think if you find something you enjoy, like this new class you are in and if you can find someone else like the person who previously posted (SCAR), than that is a connection that can help you find some sort of happiness and friendship.
I hope you can find a reason for living and if it is because you enjoy philosophy and learning about it, then continue your education in philosophy. I’m more than happy to discuss anything with you that I’ve learned during my college education. I’ve read plenty of philosophers and theorists. I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I’ve always needed someone and never found them and know how hard that can be. I’m sorry you’ve experienced that, but know that I can be someone that will listen.
wtf you really tried to get help but no one was actually listening like: hey whats up – blub blub – job done – next! i think what would be good for you is to get out of your house for some time into an environment where you have people around who care. Any relatives where you can stay for a while? if you would stay there a few weeks then they will notice your situation and offer help. being around people who care and support you can give you a lot of new strength and reveal new perspectives.
yours beaenup
Really quick reply right now-
All of my distant family will not talk to me.
On my dad’s side, they don’t like me because I’m my mom’s child. Plus, my dad never talks to me so why should they?
On my mom’s side, she doesn’t talk to them, so they don’t give a shit about my life either.
I have no family to stay with, which means I really will be alone. I have been living just for the sole purpose of education (I feel like anyways) because I will be getting tuition for two years of college after high school, which is cool I guess but I will be alone. In order for the two years to be applicable, I have to stay in the state I am in, which either means moving to a bigger town where I know no one (and am to shy to get to know anyone) or in this shit hole.
There are way too many factors contributing to the idea of ending it.
i only read your post because it reminded me of a clip from a Audrey Hepburn movie. I think it was Funny face. Yeah it was .. She is in the café in france and twinkle toes comes in to find her and she says ” well hello” … good movie that .. uhmm.. tried 6 times hey and failed . I think you should call it quits hey .. to be frank, life only gets harder after school. much harder, and that is the simple truth. but if you let go and know that all this shit is a process that builds you into the person you are suppose to be … well If you can do that please tell me how