winning…except not

sOO my life has gotten extremely glamorous. deferred from college on medical absence to deal with my depression. omg im so effing cool. but really, last thing my rapist said to me was i hope you kill yourself or one of your eating disorders kill you. YAY. i swear, i sound like such a trip. it’s just exasperating that i have so much baggage and i’m so young. i want to be young and free and live my prime and instead i’m back at home trying to recover from my PTSD while all my other issues reman unresolved. honestly, i dont even give a flying fuck that i’m baggage, but it would be nice to not be so disillusioned with life. Like my life was PERFECT at college. i threw it away in less than a week because i was sick of not enjoying anything. i just dont know if i can be happy. i’m blessed and privileged and keep my looks pristine (OCD) and have good friends and family and money and all that…so idk if im some some spoiled, annoying brat, or have serious deep-seated (seeded?? awk) problems. i don’t want to die, but im fucking sick of never feeling like i am enough and im over being fake and pretending like im super. i just feel like i rely on my looks for everything and even though im smart i dont care enough to try. everything lets me down and im never happy. ik its lame as fuck and i probably am still dealing with my issues, but when everyone else is LOVING college and youre starting out anti-depressants, you kind of just want to call it quits…. X.X