Alive but not Living

Yesterday I was taking  a walk to clear my thoughts, it was very windy and I noticed that there was more leaves on the ground and nearly all the trees had changed color and it hit me that time was passing by and I felt like I was spending my time wisely, as I kept walking  I noticed the streets felt emptier than they usually are and it was the strangest feeling but I felt like the only person on Earth, then I had an epiphany that I wasn’t getting anywhere in my efforts of trying to get better and that everyday I repeat the cycle of constantly feeling down then saying I’ll do better, I find that since I’ve had depression I have this tendency to reminisce and blame how bad things are now on things I did in the past.  I don’t think they’ll ever be a time I can look back on my past and now say that even though things were bad that good came out of it in the end, but all I can think are negative thoughts and I feel as though I’ve wasted these past few years and that nothing’s ever enough.