I have no one. When my world is quiet, I cry or do something self destructive. My childhood was hell, absolute hell. Ive dealt with incest from my (biological) father, A psychotic (biological) mother, who beat and abandoned us (she lost custody of 5 kids that i know of, and once tried to kill two of HER OWN children) Long story short, I was adopted when I turned 5, from one abusive family, to a sick family with money.. .. My (adoptive) dad disowned me at 9, (i couldve cared less at that point) and my sick in the head mother, after putting me through YEARS of “treatment” since age 9 ,was out of control, eating her pills she prescribed herself and drinking until she passed out… but I had a problem! .she changed my entire name at 5 years old, and thought it was “cute” and “funny” that I waited at the door for my mother to come back for me…she shared the story with all of her friends, as she chuckled..needless to say, I havent spoken to her since i moved out at 18(trust me, everyone is out to “get her” and she has NO willingness to try, so dont try) The whole time growing up, if she misunderstood what i said, since i am soft spoken, she would accuse me of saying outrageous things, yell at me, call me a *****, and slap me, when all i did was say I was getting some orange juice! (yup, nearly daily).. this made me feel absolutely insane, and i think its one reason I am constantly anxious and very anxious, which only pushes people away…My boss has picked at me for two days, taking his frustration out on me. I barely get paid as it it, and I bust my ass. I am loosing hours at work bc we are so slow, and I am at a point where I can barely pay my bills. I am a single parent, because my relationship got physical, and it turns out he was smoking meth, among other things and would spend all of the money on himself while I was pregnant and once our son was born. he even pawned my engagement ring and watched me look for it. I am a full time student, and this is my first go at it, and I overwhelmed myself and feel like a failure. I have been seeing a therapist for almost a year, and I choke on my words when I try and talk about anything important. I need a psychiatrist, but I have gvt healthcare, and I cant have a psychiatrist who wont listen to me and gives me meds that I TELL them have made me have breakdowns in the past…I love my son very much, and he is the only reason I cant find the nerve to die. I have hung myself in the past, and got really high on heroin one night and woke up with the floor covered in so much blood, i probably shouldve gotten stitches, but I didnt. I recently received my original birth certificate, after finding my truely psychotic mother online, and it turns out my father is a lawyer, married, with 3 kids. I hate myself. I hate my meaningless life. I am sick of trying to “get better”… i feel like a stray dog… I have NO ONE in my life who LOVES me… yeah, some folks “care”… But no one values me. no one wants me. I want to disappear. I cant hurt any longer. I have the innate ability to unhappy, not that it would be hard. Ive tried everything for years. ive been a mental health patient for 14 years, and I am only 23 years old…i have hep c, i get sick often, i cry myself to sleep most nights, i have NO physical energy, not to mention mental. I want to die, but I am stuck in this miserable life because I just cant bring myself to scar my childs life like that. I am a shity, awfu person. Otherwise, there would be just one single fucking person, for just once in my life, who LOVED ME. I have the biggest existential vacuum. I cant do it anymore………
5 comments
A lot of people that experienced sexual abuse or rape end up contemplating suicide. I am one of those too. You say you want someone to love you. Do you mean a man? You child must certainly adore you. You’re young, you can find some new people in your life. I wish I were age and had all of my youth still ahead. I am not by any means trying to diminish your feelings or the hard situation you are facing, but I still see some hope for you.
not a man, i mean anyone. I am no ones “priority”, so to say. One parent, one friend, even a partner. After I swore off ever loving anyone again, I fucked up, and got with my childs father. He didnt love me. He might have thought he did, but he didnt. I thought there was someone who DID love me, after all… he was my best friend… but, no… back to crying every night… My son is 18 months old. He is a wonderful child, and I love him. I am doing my best but my rope gets shorter and shorter and I just think I am undeserving of him. B/c of my abuse, I am scared I will perpetuate it, even though i know i wouldnt. Ive yelled at him before, and feel so guilty i want to die right there… I am desperately seeking help… I feel like i am backed in the corner though…
@StrayDogForever, I believe that victims of sexual abuse end up having problems when dealing with relationships. I am sure your baby’s father loved you at the time, or maybe like they say “in his own way”, but did love you. Unfortunately, I don’t believe love everlasting is common nor happens to everybody. It’s getting increasingly rare.
It’s good that you notice that you’re somewhat following the example you were given by your parents with your child and that you want to stop it. I think you’ll be able to.
How do you feel about meeting new people and making new friends?
I think he might have loved me, but I begged him to go to long term treatment every time he stole out rent money, sold food stamps, gave me a black eye, ignored me when I cried in pain, told me my talking was annoying… Sick sick sick…i tried so hard, but after he nearly broke a rib kneeing me, and punched me in the head 5 times, and I caught him smoking meth with a female co-worker 2 days later, after he made me call into work, since he got “called in”… he threatened and attempted suicide and I had to call the cops twice..The day my child was scared from our fights, I couldn’t do it anymore… when I called a friend to pick me up, my phone was cut off, since he didnt pay my phone bill with my money I gave him, he bought weed instead. I was planning to grow old with him…as far as new people go, i barely have time or money, between my son, work, ans school… i am exhausted physically and the one night I dont have my son i catch up on laundry and rest! I am quite shy, though ive improved greatly in this area over the last 4 or so years… but i am not confident at all, and i am a bit socially awkward… I am negative a lot of the time but cant seem to change, although i try… I am filled with anxiety… my mind never ever stops… NEVER… tired is the best way to describe where im at…
still feel like shit… My neck has been bothering me, since I have a subluxated disk from attempt 2 years ago… all it does is remind me, do it…