I tried to write last week while I was seriously weighing the option to leave. I was unable to put sentences together. Here I am again.
I’m a middle-aged man. I’ve struggled with social anxiety, depression, substance abuse (five years clean and sober now) and various shades of mania my entire life. In the last few years, thoughts of suicide have become increasingly common. What bothers me the most is that I don’t find them to be crazy, insane, or unreasonable thoughts when they are occurring or afterward. They seem quite calm and, and not being alive appears to be a completely viable option. That’s the frightening part. It seems such a clean, reasonable solution.
I stay because there are a handful of people who would be devastated if I left. I have a wonderful wife and grown daughter, and we care for my elderly mother. Beyond them I have very few friends despite putting (what feels like) a lot of effort into being sociable. There are breaks in the gloom when I like being here. But they aren’t enough. I stay for my wife and daughter’s sake. I have to.
I fear that the next dark patch will be one notch deeper or one day longer and those seemingly logical and reasonable ideas will win out and I will do something irreparable.
I have come to the conclusion that depression is something entirely different than deep sadness. It’s an exhausted hopelessness. And that is how I feel so much of the time. So tired, and nothing seems to matter. So much of life is a bunch of meaningless crap held together with frayed twine and emotions. And I’m very, very tired.
5 comments
I wish I had something enlightening or helpful to say, but I don’t. All I can say is that I feel like I can relate. And forgive me if it is odd to comment in this way, but I like the way you write. I’d love to talk more, if you’d be willing to.
If you have such a wonderful wife, and daughter, isn’t that all that should matter?
They love you! I’m sure of it. Don’t do something so stupid, because you cannot take suicide back. If you succeed, it’s over. that’s the end. How would your family feel?
Life isn’t always about having friends and being sociable. You can be perfectly happy without all the nonsense –
Congratulations on being 5 years sober, keep it up! Perhaps you’re going through a midlife crisis of sorts. It isn’t at all uncommon nor bizzare that some people will lose interest in their lives. Maybe you should try to set some new goals for yourself. Something to strive to achieve that will motivate you to continue.
I completely agree. I’ve been married to wonderful wife for ten years. I have a good extended family and I’ve never had to worry much about finding work or making enough money. in spite of the seemingly nice conditions i fester in a depressive state for most of the days that go by. no longer being alive seems like a completely reasonable option. it’s frustrating that so few people can consider the possibility the ending a life can make sense.
Thank you for the responses, I appreciate each of them.
I have no interest in getting in some kind of argument, but sillypanda, your response doesn’t sound like you really read what I wrote, or if you did, you don’t seem to understand what I said.
Obviously I don’t WANT to do something “stupid” as you say. The problem is within me, not directly caused by (or to be solved by) external forces positive or negative.
“Should” doesn’t have anything to do with it. Of course I shouldn’t feel this way or think these things. I’m exhausted. I’ve been working at holding a decent life together, despite what goes on inside me, for a very long time. Now I’m running on fumes, and alarmed by the increasingly frequent idea that suicide would solve it. This seemed like a safe place to fess that up.