My story

Well.. time to write something… One more fucked up story isn’t gonna make a difference here, so..

You know when you’re young, you’re always told to obey the rules, respect your elders, do some good, expect nothing in return, be faithful, be honest, get a degree, don’t lie, work hard, respect your gf, satisfy her every need, marry her,buy a house, have kids.. and that’s what you call a happy and full life. If you live according to this, people will call you a happy man (i can’t speak for the women, sorry).

In such a state of mind i got to know her in high school. She went to college and i did too. She then was my soul mate.. we had so much in common, our world view, how we viewed society, people.. we also had differences, but as i thought, far less than the commons. She got the degree, i dropped out. Her job (a teacher) got on her nerves. After two years of work she’s changed so much, she got sometimes angry and shouted although she’d never done that before. And our sensual life was also in ruins by that time. And i was just listening, didn’t shout back because i knew if i get to shout, i wont stop there. I might even hit her and i didnt want that. So she just thought im a sassy and i guess thats when she fell out of love. But it took her another 3 years to make up her mind and say “fuck this 10 solar years, fuck them to hell, fuck the promises i made, fuck the tears we both cried, the flat we rented, the plans we made, the bed we slept in, our kids who will never be born… their eyes, one’s green like mine, the other’s brown like hers, this boy and this girl, their first steps, them first mumbling Mummy, daddy… Take all this stuff and put it to the grave!” Bury it deep, deep eneugh that you won’ remember this 10 years, tear it out like you tear a weed from the ground. But as you cant kill a weed until each and every tiny bit of it is not removed from the soil, so can’t i erase these 120 month from my life. She, who had my complete trust, left me.

It took me one and a half years to somewhat recover from this, but now my world view, the rules i live by, begins to fall apart. Bit by bit all those goals and rules i mentioned above begin to diminish. YOLO at its finest. That’s why i wont live longer than fifty. And thats why i dont care about myself. And I’m sorry for them, but not about my parents either. I can’t seem to find any goal and I can’t seem to find anyone to trust in cause once you’ve been left alone after 10 years, how careful one must be? I simply don’t have the time for another relationship to come this far.

Shit this has made me feel bad.. good thing there are no pills at home…