October 2012
Hurricane Sandy passed through last night on the east coast where I live and for once I felt calm because everybody was stuck inside,cuddled in there blankets, and just had to wait there for it to pass. I know that sounds a bit sadistic but it’s like for that one night, people sort of felt how I do, anybody else felt like I do?
I feel unwanted. I feel empty.
I feel like I shouldn’t be here.
Like I wasn’t supposed to be here.
I was mistake from the day I was conceived.
Since the day I was born.
Even up until today.
And every day to come.
I will always think “I’m a mistake.”
“I was a mistake.”
Why am I here?
No one wants me here.
…that I keep for myself is silence.
It’s snowing for the first time this season, and I feel that winter insulation already – peaceful, relaxing, soothing. I love snow. I hope we get 20 feet of it this season.
Tonight I had more thoughts of killing myself, I had the pills and everything. But I couldn’t just the thought of failing again and having to spend weeks in hospital. I put the pills away for next time, I guess people talked me out of it again.
Well, after contemplating for a couple hours, I finally decided to post something. The main reason is because I mean who the hell wants to listen to some teenager going on about how depressed he is when there is no reason as to why he would be? I have a roof to sleep under and food to eat every night. I don’t get bullied. I don’t hate myself or think I’m ugly or stupid. I have no good reason to want to die. Â But yet there’s something inside me that is tearing me apart. I have no emotions any more. I just want to die. […]
I’m ugly I’m really ugly. 3rd time of chemo and I’m already really sick, ive lost over half my hair and its terrifying i’m scared I’m really scared. this is causing even more pain. should i kill myself now or carry on suffering in pain? cancer is to hard its awful and i dont see how im going to survive! ive been getting messages that im worthless, ugly, useless, good for nothing and that i should go kill myself. the hurtful things people have said to me its to hard to cope,…. how much longer can i last??? i feel really weak and helpless last night […]
hey everyone. my computer is broken and I’m posting from my phone. I’ve had a horrible night. finally thought I was getting better. met the bastard who ditched me when I had a miscarriage. ended up getting smacked in the face when I wanted to talk about it, but when the police showed up I didn’t have the heart to send him to jail. in the end good people get fucked. so I’m gonna do it tonight. wish I could talk to you but miraculously my computer broke tonight. fuck life and it’s assholes. bye everyone
The mirror, the enemy of us all. I just stared. I looked at my ugly image and cried. Why am i so imperfect? i can’t bare it. Every inch of me theres some strange.. imperfection. If you asked what was wrong with me, i’d make a list of billions of things. “You’re not pretty, you are WORTHLESS!” i say to myself. I feel somewhat selfish writing this post, but i just want it to let me and everyone else know i hate myself, i bully myself. i’m not always in the mood, but i try to keep my mind off things. Watch something funny, eat […]
If anyone here would like to talk, i’m open for talking. I’m a great listener and I do express concern to the best of my abilities(which isnt much but it is my best)
I’m not sleeping anytime soon and would enjoy reading your stories.
Email me. RainAlicia@ymail.com
I can’t do this anymore, I can’t go on with the pain of being without her. I’ve tried everything, I’ve tried to be patient and all I’ve done is delayed the inevitable. I just want to give up, I want the pain to stop. No matter what I do I just can’t help myself. Nothing is going to change that she is gone, and no matter how far I run the ending will still be the same.im supposed to be young and happy, living in the best part of my life, yet it feels like hell and time just seems to crawl, I just want […]
I’m sick of waking up each morning. I’m sick of going to work. I’m sick of shitty customers who are trying to put words in my mouth or make me misspeak so they can get something for free. Or complaining about a non-issue just to get a discount. I’m sick of debt that I’ll never get out of, or school that I’ll never return to because of the debt. I’m sick of laying down ten hours of my life at my dead-end job so I can have just enough money to pay the bills for my shitty single bedroom apartment just so I can have […]
Acid drips sickly from black hearts
Fuck the world, save the arts
Crash the car, save the parts
Then let the armageddon start
‘Cause only then will the hearts of men be cleansed, so fuck this world of sin
….Just fuck the heartless world im in.
I’m sick and tired of feeling like shit.
My mom walked out on my dad and I a month ago tonight, and is now renting a house with the man she was having an affair with. I still see her like twice a week, and she wants me to live with her some of the time. Fuck that, her… boyfriend? friend? I don’t know… creeps the fuck out of me. I get the most uncomfortable feeling around him, and he was trying to “talk sense” into me like he was my father and I lost it. My mom even called him my dad and I yelled […]
You ask me for sex; You ask to hang; You kissed me; Yet you hang with her? Then you text me about another girl? Boy get your mind straight! Dang, No I will not take you back, is this how it goes? K, M, K, M, B, K ? I don’t think so hunn. Get your mind straight.. Please? I remember when you were sooo close to hitting me for cutting i felt it all when you punched that door.. Please baby.. Keep going..
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I can’t calm the burning sensation of thoughts racing through my mind. i just want to sit in the rain and be washed away. i wish there was a way to control the  rage of my emotions, but I feel like i can’t, because I do not know what is causing the pain. at the end of the day, i just want all the hurt to go away. i really do. what can I do? i hate being so alone everyday. so vulnerable, so dare i say, unhuman.
I’ve lost everyone. My friends are dead or they’ve left me. I have no one.
My family doesn’t exist anymore. It fell apart decades ago.
I feel like a broken record repeating my mistakes and skipping towards the end. I fall and I use all my strength to get up. Always. Now, I feel as though its time for me to not get up.
Everyday I sat alone. I could be in a room with hundreds of people. I would still be alone.
I was always there…for anyone. I didnt care if I hated them, no one deserves to be in pain ever no matter who they are. I […]
I know that there are so many people that have problems way worse than mine. So, please don’t judge me..
Lately, i’ve been thinking about suicide. I guess I haven’t done it yet because I’m weak and a coward.
My parents are getting a divorce after 15 years. That’s my age. It really is my fault becuase if my mom hadn’t been pregnant with me, they wouldn’t have been miserable for the last 15 years in a marriage that fell apart.
I just started a new school, moved to a new house. I’m a sophomore. On May 20, 2012 one of my bestfriends got in a wreck and […]
I´m thinking more than ever of that sensation you get when the blood is running down, that is what i would like to feel right now to function again. every week that goes by a part of me gets lost in the air, i don’t know how much is left but one thing i know for sure is i need to get out of life. everything is so fucked up right now that i don’t even want to pretend is not, i haven’t slept in days and my body is getting tired, my mind already gave up. but thas the thing, the cut itself would […]
Some say it’s a beautiful lie, others say it’s a horrible lie…But I agree with the horrible lie…How happy I act…I guess this is why I am going to be an actor when I am older…no matter how happy I look…inside…my heart is crushed and my soul is shattered…I am really hurt…and somehow…I have these five great friends and a therapist…along with a great teacher…but this just…hurts…