Okay, so this is my first post on here. I don’t know how to work it that well so I decided to write a post of my own. I’ll just give you my life story? I don’t know..
I’m 14. My names Ashley. When I was around the age of four I watched my Dad abuse my Mom physically for around a year or two, they eventually had a divorce. The beating stopped and I lived a pretty normal life until the age of eleven. My mom began to hit me a lot more. Not for just “punishment” but also because to her, I’m a ” useless daughter”, ” helpless”, “worthless”, “stupid”, “dissapoitment” & many more words. And this was ate the age of ELEVEN. Okay, well the beating became more and more frequent and sometimes I would walk seven miles down to my friends house just to get away from her. And my older brother was living with us around this time. She never hit him once. But he did drugs, skipped school, cussed at her, hit her, and she did NOTHING. And what did he do? EVERYTHING. What did I do to her? NOTHING. Nothing at all. I still don’t get why she beat me back then, I barely had friends over, when I did, they had to go come early because of my mom. This beating is still going on. Back in July, my brother ended up in jail. My mom BAILED him out. BAILED HIM OUT. He broke into his own grandmothers house and stole many things. Like her pills, her jewelry. And she bailed him out.. I don’t get it. He does everything bad, and my mom just lets it slide. But if I make one little mistake, bam, bruise on my arm/leg. I cut, and it gets a lot of stress and anxiety off of me. I’ve tried to kill myself twice. Failed, of course. Once again, I can’t do anything right. I can’t even fucking kill myself. My mom saw my scars the other day and looked at them carefully. She teared up and just kept driving, didn’t say one word to me. At all. She hasn’t beaten me for a month, probably because I cut. She comes in every night and checks my arms, and makes me put neosporin on them. She wants to see the cuts ALL THE TIME. I get so fucking mad and frustrated when she asks or just pulls my arms and looks, I pull them back quickly. I haven’t cut in about a month and its killing me. I think I’ll just cut on my hips or thighs, somewhere she won’t see.
Thanks for listening.
4 comments
i know how it is to have an abusive parents my dad used to beat the shit out of me for years.one day i fought back and he kicked me and the rest of my family out of the house. but those 12 years of mental and physical torutre still stick even 6 years later. you shoudn’t cut yourself though, you just need to a healthy way to get rid of your anger, i write stories, mabye a sport or taking up an instrument for you i don’t know… back to your mother, when my dad beat me i just stayed the fuck away from home, i just chilled in the public library, the school library, my one friends house. i lived on the ground floor so i just snuck into my room while my brother was asleep and no one noticed i would be gone the whole day. however i don’t know the area you live in and from what i understand your girl so this might not be safe, just think of a few safe places to go close to home
Hello Ashley. Thanks for sharing.
This may be hard to do, or maybe you’ve already done it and found it not very helpful.. but have you tried asking your mom why? Why she acts the way she does? Or sharing how you feel with her? It seems like she does have at least the smallest capacity for compassion.
Sometimes it is easy to step on the little ones, unfortunately. But maybe there’s a small chance if you confront her about her own thinking and actions, she’ll take the time to think about what great impact she’s been having on you. It may be a long shot, but it’s a shot worth taking, for yourself. Because you deserve love, and most of all you deserve to love yourself.
By the way, I used to cut, since middle school or so. I don’t know exactly why – I had the fortune of having a loving family (though not remotely perfect, sometimes we would spend hours upon hours screaming and fighting, but loving nonetheless), and fairly good friends. Even now, at the age of 29, I still cut, though much rarely. My arms have faint scars all over the place, I had a friend jokingly ask me if I was in a knife fight once.
So I know how relieving it feels to cut yourself sometimes. For me, sometimes it was because I flat out hated myself, and sometimes it was because I didn’t have the heart to hate others so I would turn it in towards myself.
My best suggestion regarding that is similar to what fallenangel said, try to find healthier ways to exert your pain. Creative outlets can be strangely satisfying. Exercise. Reading. Maybe even look into doing some volunteer work. Sometimes helping others will help you.
@jjgirl13 thats what i forgot to mention, volenteer work will fill you with more joy than anything else, i would have killed myself if it had not been for voleneering made me feel needed by others gave me a reason to live.