I never understood how people felt better after self harming themselves. I didn’t understand how pain could make one feel better. Even though I’ve been so depressed I always told myself I would never hurt myself.
Lately I’ve felt on edge, and just an hour ago I couldn’t take it. Whenever I feel like I can’t take anymore, I imagine myself running away or scratching/ripping my face off. I will usually end up scratching my face a bit but today I felt like I was going absolutley crazy just keeping all this in and none of it getting better. I started pulling my hair and violently scratching my face my heart was racing so fast, that’s when I pictured harming myself. I was scared to use a razor though so I grabbed my tweezers that I bought two weeks ago so they are still really sharp. I pressed it hard against the inside of my fore arm (not my wrist) and dragged it slowly. I felt it, and my whole body got hot and my heart went crazy. It felt like my adrenaline was at its highest point.
I then started to drag it harder and faster across my skin, and multiple times. Put it against my face a couple of times and really this whole rush I got just felt so great. It was like my mind and soul had been going crazy on their own, like they had their own heart beats and their heart was going insane. After I did this to myself it was like my physical body was feeling the exact same way my mind and soul had been feeling. THAT’S what felt so good about this. It was like my body was balanced mentally and physically. I felt perfect. I felt amazing.
I hope this doesn’t get out of hand (going to actual razors). I also hope though, that I don’t end up feeling like this is what I have to do to make me feel okay. I don’t want to have to resort to self harming for myself to feel better.
7 comments
do watever you must do to feel better, you will be healthy again soon.
I really do hope so.
delicate subject……
i fully understand what you are saying. But i would like to put out a few thoughts to you.
1. If you want help – seek it. If you do not want help (IE shrinks and possibly being locked up in the nut house) I would NOT mention this to anyone in authority (parents, teachers, cops or shrinks).
2. Be careful. I do not believe it is ‘easy’ to actually cut yourself deep enough to be dangerous. But, i would hate for you to do *more* than you really wanted to do. And if you did cut more than you wanted – and then sought help. The hospitial would probably be required to have you commited.
3. It does feel great. Non-cutters can not understand this. The genius minds of the pysch-people freak out over this stuff – but it is such an amazing RELEASE of negativity.
Personally I do it in areas that are not visible (arm area that is always covered by sleeves, thighs), but sometimes the neck feels really great. but that is pretty visible.
Be safe. hope you feel better soon.
Yeah, I don’t plan on telling anyone. And yes, it really did feel like a release, I just felt so relieved and at peace during it. I’m kinda regretting doing it on my arm, it’s quite noticable, but I felt it would only feel right if I did it there or on my face :/ But thank you
no problem. some lotions can help heal it quicker. wear long sleeves for now.
and the pysco-babble ppl like to call it a “coping method”. I call is awesome.
Definitely don’t say anything. I think the worst is remembering how numb you feel when you harm yourself like that. I used to cut when I was 13. I stopped for 6 years and I’m sad to say I harmed myself a year ago. The only thing hard is concealing it from others. I haven’t cut in a year, but the scars are still there. Usually takes some bracelets or long sleeves to hide. I just hate that no matter how much I progress and start to feel okay, when my life turns back down for the worst I immediately remember how good it feels to cut. It’s always that one little thought that lingers in the back of my mind when the pain becomes too unbearable.
That’s something to say coming from me, an athlete. I could run for miles, I’ve biked 200 miles in one day and even that exhaustion doesn’t compare to that one moment of cutting myself to release my pain. I know how hard it is to stop and resist from hurting yourself. I hope you don’t lose control of it. Because after awhile it does become addicting and eventually little sharp objects don’t cut it.
I also hope one day I don’t have to. I hope there’s a day when I don’t even think about it. Good to know the scars will eventually fade. Just takes time…
Silencer, yesss I don’t want to be like “oh, i feel sad, the only way I can feel better is if I cut.” I don’t want to feel like that’s the only way for me to feel better. I’m hoping it was only this one time, and that I don’t ever feel like I have to do it again.
I hope you can stop too, or at least not think about it as often :/