Sleepy time..

Sadly,

I know all to well how you’re feeling. It’s because I too, have been feeling this way.
It’s not so much that I want to die, because life is or at least can be beautiful and amazing. If you have someone to share it with. I’m 30 years old and I’m still single and as lonely as I was when I was as a teenager. I’ve had love come and go during my life. All my friends and family are married, and content. I try to find happiness despite feeling a deep sense of loneliness and despair. Yet, it’s as if no one can sense it. I do put on a fake smile, and go through life with this ”mask” on. However I also tend to show my emotions despite trying my best not to be transparent.

I attempted to end my life, aprox. a year ago. I stood on the train tracks, suicide note left in my car nearby. Waiting for my demise. And I don’t know if this was a sign or just bad luck, the train that came around the bend wasn’t moving at it’s normal operating speed. It was slower than usual. (I’ve sat and watched it) I still stood on the tracks, waiting. Longing for all the emotions of loneliness, heart ache, and despair to die on the tracks before me. Along with the body I had grown weary of. Needless to say, I didn’t die on the tracks that night. Although a part of me did. I’ve since quit caring what happens to me. I slowly stopped eating hardly. Lost 10+ lbs. And for a guy who was skinny to start out with(145lbs and 5-9”), that should have raised some flags. My family and friends just think I look taller. They think nothing of it.

I struggle with several personality type disorders. Just to much to really dive into here. Anxiety etc. I’ve pretty much pushed away anyone who has ever cared or loved me. It’s not because I want to, it’s just how I keep from getting to close to people. I don’t even think about it, it’s just the way I’ve handled dealing with emotions and everything I’ve been through. I’ve started this really stupid ritual. I pick a date in the near future, and say ”If things aren’t better by this date, this is it” And so far I’ve passed by about 3 days over say a year and a half time frame. And each day I either find a reason I can’t go through with it, or I feel I’m not ”prepared” enough yet.

And the day I have picked right now, which holds strong ties to an event that changed my life forever, is coming up soon. And I think this will be it. No more bullshitting. Things are only going to get harder. Lonelier. And everyday that goes by that I don’t, I die more inside. I’m nothing more than a walking corpse. What life was once in me, is gone. Could it be restored, sure. Will it, very unlikely. The very thing I long for, I will never have. Absolute love.

I’d trade any and everything I have, for one minute with the person who can show me genuine absolute pure love.

Maybe you can live without love, and I can respect that. I on the other hand can not. And choose not to.