Surviving… why?

It looks like I survived the most powerful suicidal thoughts attack in my life that I had for the last week and a half. I’m not sure if that’s good. I’m just too weak, to do it I had to delete all the pictures of the girl I love from my computer, delete all traces of her so nobody would bother her after I’m gone. I couldn’t do it, I just can’t. I can’t let her go.

I’m back to escaping from everything into my head, fantasy worlds. I don’t really want it anymore because the thought that one day I will wake up and instead of 3 years since my only chance to save myself it will be 5 years or more is… I lost some memories about her already, I don’t want to lose more. Meeting her a week ago… she reminded me who I am and who I could be. She makes me a better person, even after 3 years. She made me feel innocent and good. She makes me… instead of hating or despising people I just feel sorry for them. That’s something that I lost in this room. But even though only week passed the day I saw her seems like some strange dream now. I couldn’t jump and now that I’m back to hiding I know that I will drift away with every day again. Never being myself because it hurts too much, always pretending that I’m someone else, somewhere else. Or that I didn’t screw up and I’m with her, happy. I would like to die remembering how much I love her, feeling… clean. Pure. Not numb, and dirty and I know that’s how I will feel if I won’t do it and will still hide.

There’s more than just me being a coward behind not doing it. I should have done it 3 years ago (I had suicidal thoughts long before that but I’m glad I survived them to meet her), but there are things I like. Like movies, music. You know. If I killed myself then I wouldn’t experience what I felt when “The end” by The Doors kicked in at the beginning of Apocalypse Now, I would never experience the magic of Lost Highway, the beauty of Lost in Translation, I would never watch Death Note and Dexter…

My computer is dying anyway, I should buy a new one, I actually have money, but that would require a lot of preparation for someone like me. For me it’s not just a computer, it’s a window to the outside world.

But really, is being able to still listen to Nirvana or watch Fight Club a good reason to live, suffer, to let time kill me more and more? I don’t want to forget the magic that she gave me 3 years ago. I’m afraid that when I kill myself in the future I will already be dead inside. That not only she will be only a memory, that I will be a memory too. Just a sad zombie.

For me time is not a healer but a murderer. “All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.”