Everyone always comments on how confident and strong I am… Every time I smile back at them in response I’m only ever thinking one thing.. I wish I felt it..
I didn’t have a great childhood, a lot of people believe that is why I am the way I am.. Looking at the past has never made me feel low though because I got through it.. It’s the future that scares me, how in one second everything can change.. How the people closest to you can turn against you, hurt you.. Â How you can hurt people unintentionally yet it turns your entire world upside down.. Fear makes me suicidal.. I get so scared of the unknown that sometimes I bang my head off of walls just so I can stop thinking.. Close my eyes and push my thumbs into them till they go fuzzy.. I break my toes quite often kicking things because those things don’t get me the disappointed looks that cutting myself do.. The only thing that stops my suicidal tendencies are other people.. Family and friends.. I know everyone cares about me and when I have ”accidents” I can see in their eyes that they know but they won’t say anything until I get bad.. When I do get bad I end up stopping all forms of self harm and going numb because I have to please everyone else and conceal my pain.. Every time I see a car I get the urge to walk in front of it.. I don’t see the point in being alive most of the time because I don’t feel like I am, there’s no spark, no point.. I recently lost someone close and it feels like I’ve lost part of my head, I held a kitchen knife close to my throat a week ago because I wondered if someone so empty can bleed.. If someone so numb can feel.. If someone already dead inside can die.. In reality I have people around me all the time yet I always feel alone.. Alone and just waiting for the ultimate accident..
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That’s why my user name is Quiet. If I say anything then it will just make things worse. I want to hide my pain, I have to just like you. I feel the same way as you do about walking infront of cars-but with me it’s knives and other large blades. That’s what I enjoy (vocabs a bit rusty when I’m tired) about this site-you don’t have to be strong. You don’t have to show people what you’re feeling if you don’t want to.
I’ve never been on a site like this before but I thought I would see if it would help and in effect it does because I don’t mind if strangers judge me.. I hate causing bad reactions with my actions.. So shameful.. But here I can’t see them.. I don’t think I could ever stop trying to be the strong one.. That feels like it would be admitting I’ve lost..
Are you being strong in writing the article? First you’ve got to find out what your definition of being ‘strong’ is, that might help. Is being strong hiding what’s happened to you and what you’re thinking or telling the world everything?
I could never tell the world everything.. I couldn’t cope with that.. I just seem to be able to handle everything really well in front of others.. Situations that would put most people in tears I brush off in front of people no matter how close they are because they I can’t have them see me being weak.. Writing on here is driving me mad and making me feel better at the same time.. I’m cursing myself for talking about things but it’s also stopping me feeling so crap once I can put how I feel into words.. I feel weak for showing I’m hurting.. But telling strangers instead of the people close to me is better than dealing with things on my own.. I know strength comes in many forms but for me it’s keeping a smile on my face for others to see no matter how much I’m hurting and I’m usually the one that helps everyone else so I need to keep that poker face… I just don’t know how long I can keep it up for..
I know how you feel, trust me I do. When I revenged I felt so powerful and yet so weak at the same time. I couldn’t live without it, but it was slowly killing me. I still don’t know how I am living without it. I like to call it deadly comfort.