Why did I use the brakes?

I have the perfect life. the loving mother, the adorable sisters and the caring friends. what was wrong was always with me.
I hated my dad, he practically abandonned me, its a long story that i dont feel like talking about because ive finaly gotten over it. everytime i was angry, even if it wasnt because of him, i would always end up cursing his name. but then i learned that whole reason he broke his promises, never called and abandonned was because he was scared of my mom. he had such of a vivid image in his head of my mom as a monster he didn’t want to contact me cause i resembled her. he practically told me that if i didnt do things right i would end up desytroying our relationship. hes an ass and so inferior to me. he lives two provinces away yet hes still scared of my mom, hes not worth my anger. thats my dad.
then ive got my step-dad whos starting to do the same with my sisters. ive cut off all ties with him. the next time i see him ill make sure he doesnt hurt my sisters emotionally. im still mad at him.
you see my problem is the pain of love. ive opened up to a couple of people and i always seem to get hurt. because of them i have cried i have raged and i have felt the need to scream! but of course you cant scream in a crowded neighbourhood you might disturb the neighbours. for the past few days ive needed to scream. i need to find a place, empty where i can scream and scream and scream! but i cant do that with work (me taking my friends shifts) and stupid useless school, and being at home.
my dad, i opened to him and he hurt me and i couldnt close. i was too damaged and too young to be able to close myself from him. to stop loving him. but now ive put a band-aid on it and cut the string that connected him and me.
then theres my mom. the one i live with, the one i love most, the one whos string is so thick i cant cut, the one whos given so much damage that even a cast wont help. god its hard. she doesnt mean to, but i try so hard to please her that everytime I see a sigh of unsatisfaction because of me my whole mood instantly changes. and i hate myself. ive opened myself up so wide i cant close at all. i usually end up crying to myself, and cursing myself because im so affected.
the pain of love. love is fun yes, its amusing and it has beautiful moments…but i have to be on tiptoes all the time to make sure i dont hurt anyone emotionally.
i have a bestfriend whom ive opened to. today i was mean to her through e-mail. she didnt do anything wrong, i had just cried because of my mom yet again. (you see my mom had told me 3 times already before to not open the light because it blinds her when shes watching tv and i opened the light, so she gave me a speech about how disrespectful i was being. my mood was squished. yesterday my day was; go to school, go straight to work afterwards, then go to the neighbours to babysit till one in the morning. then today i went to work again and fell off my bike because of all the snow. i ve been working four days straight. this is my first job. im sorry the light thing skipped my mind) my mom had noticed this and told me to sleep earlier and actualky sleep not text my friend. i had to bring my electronic device upstairs. i asked if i could send one message saying i coudnt text tonight, or else my friend would feel ignored and angry and my mom said to tell her why tomortow. so i went and texted her anyways. when i came back my mom asked if i had texted anyways. you see i cant lie to her, and her face got all unsatisfied as i told her i had. then to top it off she said;
hmph and i was thinking that it might be reasonable to text her anyways
and thats made me cry later in my room. that simple sentence. like saying i was planning on giving you that, but since you did this i wont. in this situation it was nothing big, but the simple idea of it, her saying it is what wrenches my heart in two.
and then my friend answered. i had mispelt my text and she was wondering the hell i had written. i freaked and told fuck you a,d fuck my mother, and i repeated my earlier message. something i had never done before. shes never hurt me but my heart is jittery, its waiting for it. then she replied telling me i could be fucking random sometimes. so i replied asking if i had insulted her and that i needed to sleep but all in a bitchy way.
the weird thing is, i was enjoying myself through it all. my mom called me sadistic once. my friends agree that i am. each time i punch (playfully), poke or backslap (i have left bruises on my friends doing so) i have a weird sort of smile. everytime someone hurts physically i laugh.
i have considered suiciding at some point, cause i didnt see my purpose in life. i still dont. but i dont have the time TIME for it.
its weird, i have the perfect life yet i was hurt so easily. maybe thats why i havent really had a boyfriend. my last boyfriend lasted one datr. i asked him out, i broke it off. i hated everything except the movie we saw. i sat as far away from him as possible. i was leaning on the other side of my seat. i gave up on myself after that.
i tried explaining to my mom and friends what was going. they listen they comment, but then the next day your supposed to act like everything is fine. as of it were that simple.
i always ask for attention. most things i do are for attention from my friends. they give it to me, then i ask for more. you can thank my dad for that. the hours i spent waiting to come everytime he came two or three hours late.
tomorrow ill go to school and close myself off to everyone except one person. a new friend. shes o small and fragile looking and what i am planning to do will cause my friends pain and frustration the only thing that stopped me was her. shes the only one whom i ont want to her, because she looks like shes already hurt enough. the poor thing, she always puts others before her. ALWAYS. something i want to fix for her. My other friends though, even my best friend dont understand. they havent reallyexperienced pain. the pain of love. the pain of  bullying as my protogee has mst likely experienced. they get momentary flashes of negative feelings, but ive bottle them so long that it hurts now! i need to scream so badly! but i cant must respect the laws of society.
thats why i have to do this. to unflict pain. its something i have to do.
you see im a sadistic attention-whore. im pathetic. i hate myself, yet at the same time i love myself. ove read some of the stories on this site and i have cried. i have cried because i undersood the feeling, and when you dont and you try to help it is just stupid. i would like to experience death, i dont care that my family will hurt, i really dont cause i wont be there to feel the pain. thats the problem, im empathic, i feel others pain and discomfort as well as mine. the only reason im not dead is i havent found a good wzy yet. today im my bike i almost hit by a car. two seconds later cursed myself for braking. how would it feel to lie on the pavement the blood all around you and feel the clm. the peace, as you look up at the dark snowy sky. you feel no pain, your nerves are destroyed. the outside wouldnt matter. i would tthen close my eyes and disapear. be rid of this god forsaken society. humanity is cruel. our lives are meaningless. Why did i use the brakes?
P.s. Sorry fot the grammatical mistakes