I found myself writing earlier today in a notebook in the freezing cold as I waited for the bus to that would take me to work… The only reason I decided to write was so I could remember everything that was passing through my mind at the time. Reading back over it now, I’m steadily losing the will to fight with myself anymore again. I’m tired… I want to sleep and just not wake up… I know I don’t deserve that; it’s too easy, too peaceful…
I have a family I support solely, children I want to raise and a decent job by most standards, and yet, no less than once a day, I find myself begging for death. The responsible part of me tells me that death is too good for me. I must provide for my family. I must be a good and supportive husband. I must be a responsible and loving father to my children. I must do for others all that I can. I must lead by example of action and not just words. I must always place my mission first. I must always put others before myself.
And yet… I find myself steadily not caring for longer and longer periods of time… I want to die. I want to be freed from these bonds I’ve become shackled by… I want to throw away all that I am for the chance to just have peace… If the Christians are right then I’ll just go from this physical hell to a spiritual one, but at this point I’d take even that… For all that I want this though, I go right back to fighting myself and telling myself I don’t deserve the sanctity of death yet… I haven’t earned it. Even if I did die, I’d only be tormented by my weakness and forsaken duties until I was too far mad to even know it anymore…
I know some of this may sound strange, even here, but I’ll try to “paint you a picture” to help.
My normal day starts with me getting up at 0500 to shave and conduct physical training. As I’m grouped with people who think having a “bod” = god, I usually end up in crap-tons of pain and shuffle off to my room after being chewed out for being a failure. Get a shower, get dressed and go to the bus for the 45-70 minute ride to work depending on how many crashes took place on the bus route today… Finally get to work, usually late, thanks to the bus, get chewed out for being late and then proceed to work. Do research, write notes, make a presentation, do more research, make more, be told it needs more research, do more research, be told I more or less suck at this don’t I (?), turn in presentation, brief presentation to guys who don’t listen or care, answer questions completely unrelated to the presentation and get a pat on the back and told to hurry or I’ll miss the bus back… Catch bus, arrive home, be pestered about going to the gym, refuse, talk to wife and kids on skype, might find time to eat at this point and pass out, then wake up every 20-30 minutes until 0500 and start over…
During all this, I constantly see and hear “realities” that don’t, for all practical intents and purposes, exist. Imagine string theory being true and you were hooked up to a tv that showed you hundreds of alternate you’s, by hooking their vision to yours. The trick is, you can’t pick or choose when this tv kicks on and it changes channels so often you only get glimpses into these people’s lives. The catch is, you almost always see the worse parts of their lives… I’ve watched “myself” be stabbed to death in an alley, raped and tortured to death, hit by a car, shot in the head, froze to death, burnt alive, gutted by an explosion… I can think of hundreds of repetitions of these deaths and some of them aren’t fatal either…
I know some people fantasize about death… I can’t think of a painful death I haven’t already experienced and felt, or at least, that’s what my brain tells me… Many of my “colleagues” are convinced I’m cracking because I’ve physically responded to some of these experiences before. Mind you, not all are so morbid; but I’ve held conversations with people who don’t exist, responded to questions that weren’t asked, forgotten who and where I was, choked “to death” on my own blood, which I wasn’t actually coughing up, reacted to hits and stab wounds that I never received… the list goes on and on…
Docs tell me that they can’t do much because “I’ve never been hospitalized” for any of this. I once asked why I had to try AND fail to kill myself for them to see a problem. I never got an answer, and now I don’t care anymore… I can’t live like this anymore, but I can’t bring myself to die either. I don’t know what to do anymore… I can’t keep putting on a smile and shouldering on for much longer. I’m also scared that if I don’t die, but I do keep on, I’ll end up losing my job and being punted back into a life that would make taking care of family impossible and make me crack that much faster under worse conditions…
I want to die. I want to stop worrying. I want to stop caring. I want to have nothing to worry about… Maybe then I could die in peace…
What should I do? Who can I even turn to? I shouldn’t burden others with my problems, I know this, but I can’t keep carrying this alone. I’m too weak, and that’s my fault, but that isn’t going to change unless dead people are stronger somehow…
3 comments
Dear justsomeguy,
I’ve posted something on the dasboard I would like to share with you. You’re stronger then you think. It takes a lot of courage to tell you’re story, I admire that:)
Thank you. I honestly don’t know what else to say, but, thank you.
This sounds like a VERY familar story to me. I was stuck in a very similar rut for many years, but it took some unforseen circumstances (long stints of unemployment, financial pressures and then finding myself involved with another woman) that brought me to the brink of suicide.
To be honest, I’m still in a state of limbo. The marriage is no longer functional yet neither my wife or I have the guts to come out and say it, and – despite not being involved with the other woman for over six months – I still think about her a lot more than I should.
I’m not saying you should go and quit work and have an affair. That’s probably the last thing you want to do right now. But I do wonder if there are some other underlying causes for your discontent other than just the drudgery of the everyday. I would strongly suggest seeing a counsellor or psychologist as a matter of urgency. I suspect if I’d sought meaningful help years earlier, I probably wouldn’t have taken so many career risks and I probably wouldn’t have fallen for someone else.
Of course, your relationship might be fine. It might be a lack of fulfilment in career or some other aspect of your life that is weighing heavily. This is why you need to talk to someone, preferably a professional. Even if you’re reluctant to address the issue(s) immediately, at least you will have some idea where to begin.
All the best.