I am so sick of my life i hate feeling so trapped and like the life has been sucked out of me i feel like i am a walking zombie most of the time its like my only emotion is sadness. I am trying my best too stop the cutting *which i have not done in 2 weeks*Â i do not even remember what its like to be truely happy anymore i honestly have just stopped caring about everything. Everything just seems too feel so black and white i can’t live with myself. I hate being bullied i hate feeling the way i do i hate always crying for no reason. there is this part of me that wants to make it threw but most of the time i have this huge part of me that just wants me too just fade away and give up and sleep all the time i just want to feel numb and not have too feel all the motions and sadness that i do all the time. I REALLY JUST WANT OUT
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Hello falling_soup
Sorry to hear you’re feeling so shitty. You’ve done a wonderful job of describing clinical depression rolled up with angst. I remember feeling like that now and again. Who am I kidding…I have been clinically depressed since the age of 4…as well I suffer from anxiety and PTSD. Sometimes its just as simple as hanging in and waiting for the sun to come up again…and it does…I think my longest depressive episode lastest 6 months…that was tough. Do you feel like this every day?
I’m sorry you are being bullied. No one deserves that. But we are a society of hurting people…some people cut themselves to deal with it…some people cut others. This is not an excuse…just an analogy. Please don’t take their crap personally…even though they make it personal. It will end. Even immature bullies have to grow up some day…or atleast there are more checks and measures in effect on them.
Have you told anyone what is going on? Are you getting any emotional support from home or from a counsellor etc? What ever you do…don’t own their shit…don’t give in…and don’t give up. Then they win. Succeed just to piss them off…maybe someday you’ll be their boss…you never know. Just don’t let them beat you.
Peace
Amakua
i do try too get help trust me i have been on meds for 4 years now but in the end i have ended up trying to use them to kill myself! i feel trapped and numb all the time i feel like there is nothing left i hate being bullied and i hate being depressed i am never good enough its just how its always been that i am so worthless!
If you were really so bad…you wouldn’t have a girlfriend or the support of your family. I wasn’t kidding. I have suffered from depression my whole life…and I’m probably a lot older than your mom..ayup…old. It admit it hasn’t been easy…especially sometimes when there is an actual reason for the depression…ya know…loss, illness, betrayal etc. I didn’t end up on SP to be nice…I came here almost a year ago…to save myself. Even though I now know that suicide is not an option…for me atleast…sometimes it gets soooo bad that I overcome my own reason…and I want to die sooo bad that I can taste it…and that is when I look for help. I will admit that psychiatry and psychology have been less than helpful to me…so I was thrilled to find this community of folks when I needed them most…last year.
I’m serious…don’t give up…fight. Although my life has been difficult…atleast I have had one. Even though I still suffer from depression…it’s not as debilitating anymore…and I have learned how to experience joy…not constantly…that would be ridiculous…but enough that it usually balances out the depression.
What kind of meds are you on? SSRi”s? Again I never had any luck with the meds either….that made me feel worse…but I remember that the worst of it was in my teens….so I guess even though it doesn’t go away….it does get better…manageable. Now the longest I stay in a severe depression is 3 days.
I don’t know you …and I don’t know all the reasons behind the depression…but obviously some of it is situational. Have you talked to the principal? I know…I’ll come and talk to your principal for you…seriously…I would if I could. It would give my daughter’s principal a break. My youngest has dealt with bullying for her entire school career…most recently racist in nature…with racist names and comments being hurled across the classroom…while the teacher ignored it…mostly because he didn’t know how to deal with it…and he didn’t want the other kids to not like him….seems like adults aren’t very smart either when it comes to bullying. Let’s just say that there are no more racial slurs being bandied about…but last night she told me the internet campaign has started up again. My daughter is 16, severely depressed and suicidal. We actually have an anti-suicide pact between us…cuz I keep telling her it will get better as she gets older…and it actually has…but it has a long way to go yet.
So please….it’s okay but dangerous to ideate about suicide…but don’t give in. And no one is worthless…okay my ex husband is close…hehehe…be even he has value…so quit with the negative self talk….it’s like your taking up where the bullies have stopped…and now you never get a break from the bullshit…stop putting yourself down…you’re not supposed to be perfect…just the best you.
Sending you positive energy…you could use some
Peace
Amakua