Every day feels like a living nightmare. I am asleep all day with nightmares of my abuse and losing the only things left that I care about. I have no energy all day. I’m awake all night and all I do is write but now I’m losing that too. It physically hurts to move and breathe. I don’t want to be here anymore. I just want to disappear. I’m sick of the flashbacks, and the yelling, and being sick with mental illness. I’m sick of everything and I don’t want to do this anymore.
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Hello Stefano7,
Sounds to me like PTSD. Do you know what I am talking about? And is it mental illness? Not that it matters…but it sounds more like emotional illness to me. No matter…thought I would let you know that I am here…as are others….if you would like to talk more about this. Don’t give up…it CAN get better…and you are worth the effort. Oh yeah….did I explain that you were the one that gets to do all the work?…hahaha….just kidding. But seriously….here if you would like to talk.
Peace
Amakua
Hey, yeah, I do have PTSD…that’s not what I mean by mental illness though. It was a separate complaint because I also am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, GAD, and OCD. :\ Thank you for offering to help though. Means a lot.
Hey Stefano7
We have a lot in common with one exception…I’m not bipolar…no manias or highs for me…just down and downer. I think at one point on SP we determined that instead of depression which comes and goes…this would more aptly be called melancholia. Damn every time I use the word…that song starts playing in my head. Come to me my melancholy baaaaby….
I digress…to date I have been diagnosed with a severe depressive disorder, GAD, panic disorder, OCD(actually OCS) and PTSD with multiple traumas. They’ve also tried to pin several personality disorders on me unsuccessfully as well as a psychosis or three…hehehe. But I’m not crazy…and I doubt you are either…I’m just damaged.
I thank God I never did any hard drugs when I was younger…I look at the people I grew up with…the ones that are still alive…and thank God I didn’t bother. I don’t call them flashbacks…but I understand. I call them body memories…I just keep telling myself…it’s not happening now…but the emotions that go with the event…just wow. I feel for you. It’s like where the outside abuse and trauma stops…our minds take up the job and continue the torture all on our own…sigh
I was sincere when I said that it could get better though…it is better…and it keeps getting better all the time. I attempted suicide for the first time before the age of 4…and the last time at the age of 40. Apparently I’m not allowed an early exit…but have to stick it out and get through this life…and since I decided to do this…things have gotten ever so much better. I’m not saying that life still doesn’t overwhelm me or the rug hasn’t been pulled out from under me a time or two…but I’ve also relearned how to experience the JOY in living and childlike awe…and I’ve learned to play again.
This is why i say that it CAN get better…
So what’s your story? If you wouldn’t mind. Ya know age, rank and serial number?…hehehe Seriously…would like to hear more…ya know…fill in the blanks a bit. Anyway…here if you want to talk.
Sending positive thoughts your way
Peace
Amakua