I’m not a young woman, but for my entire life, I’ve had trouble dealing with the fact that I was a mistake. Even as a young child, I sensed I wasn’t meant to be. My parents made it clear in so many ways. I’ve attempted suicide multiple times in my younger years, .
I learned from the stupidity of my parents, and my daughter was planned. I’m a single parent, but I’ve done more for my daughter than my parents, combined, did for me. I find myself depressed – always struggling. When my daughter is 18 ( a year from now) I finally plan to end it. I will leave her the house, my bank account (not much, but some) and her college fund. She’s smart. She has learned how to survive. I’m so proud of her. I love her. It was worth living this painful life just to have had the chance to know my daughter.
 Still, I’m dead tired. I’m sick of living. I hate myself because I was never wanted. When a child is unplanned and resented, he or she feels it. It’s better to abort than to resent your child and withhold you love. The child will always feel it. Fuck these idiots who want to force women to give birth. My poor mother was only 17. She was intelligent. If she had had a chance, she could have gone far. My father married her, but reluctantly. He didn’t love me then. He doesn’t love me now.
I don’t know how to reconcile myself with the past. I’m so very lost and so very depressed at the moment. I guess I don’t really want to die; but I don’t really want to live either. I’m tired of it.
Girls out there – use birth control or have an abortion. Trust me, very young children – perhaps even infants – know when they are loved, and they soon learn they are a mistake.
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12 comments
You need to stay in your daughter’s life, or else she will feel the same way you feel now: unwanted, insignificant, and sad. Life is never a mistake and it’s never planned. It just happens. I’m sorry your parents treated you badly, but you need to turn that into strength. I constantly have suicidal thoughts and it will be a struggle for every single one of us with this pattern of thinking to handle our stress.. But I really hope you choose to try. Best wishes xx
Life is never a mistake. I like that. I have taken your words to heart, and I thank you for caring. I was very afraid someone would say, “Go ahead, jump in the river.” Thank you, and you’re right. I brought my daughter into the world. I love her and I owe her my best. Bless you!
I’m only 17 years old, but i do understand how it feels to be unwanted by your own parents. But don’t end it once your daughter is 18. You could leave her everything you have, but none of those things will matter…because she won’t have her mom. And just like you sensed that your parents didn’t really love you, well, i can pretty much guarantee your daughter can sense that you DO love her. And even though she’ll be grown, your death would affect her terribly. It would be something she would carry heavily on her heart for the rest of her life. She might even question herself about what she could have done different to keep you from doing it. You say you don’t really want to die…so don’t. Your daughter not only wants you, but needs you. She needs you to continue to provide her with the love only a mother can give. I know, because everyone needs that love. Your death would take that love away…that love you wanted so much. Don’t do that to her. And don’t deprive yourself of watching your daughter continue her life. Live…for your daughter and for yourself.
You are 17 – my daughter’s age. What you’ve shared really touched me… Your parents are lucky to have a daughter wise beyond her years. Thank you so much.
All I can say is…I hope your pain eases..somehow…and I would pity the karma of your parents ….
Ah, thank you…. My family is a mess – filled with really dysfunctional individuals. Perhaps they don’t deserve bad karma, but thanks for saying so!
I think that is very selfish of you..ur going to miss out on it daughters wedding, ur grandchildren, it leaving ur daughter all alone in this big world she’s going to think u didn’t care about her.. I just don’t think people should kill themes elves when they have children.. If u have been planing on killing yourself don’t have kids at all cuz ur just going to hurt them too..
# my oppinon
Thank you. You’re right and taking the time to point out things I refused to see in my selfishness is very much treasured.
I hate to state the obvious but you are definately wanted – by your daughter. likesloths is so right in saying you will make your daughter feel the same way you do if you go. Its hard to love people that are unable, for whatever reason, to love you back. You try and try, but you know what – they do not deserve your energy but your daughter does. You are so lucky to have each other, please don’t mess that up.
Thank you, Victoria. You helped me to see something I was missing!
Rose, thank you for writing, if you are still with us. I support your decision. I was 12 when my mother “corrected” me when I jokingly stated that my sister (different father) was a mistake. Talk about “earth shattering”. Then at 19 I find the man who was beating me up for many years was not my father… and the hits keep coming. I was born in the 60s so I cannot fault my father at the age of 20 for bugging out, who went on to have a successful career and two sons. Since that fateful day I have fought with the ideology of why am I here. And yes, as a child I “knew” something was off, but it took many years to figure it out. I look like my bio-dad, and their hatred of him manifested in their attitude toward me. Now what 12 y/o would know that? So yes, children “know” if they are truly loved and that childhood love lasts forever. Since then I have determined I have no purpose, I think everyone should have a purpose. I lost my wife and two daughters in 2005, and lost my business two years ago. I figure I have about three months left, so I am preparing my material things, my friends are unaware, but I actually don’t have any friends that would notice if I were to leave, so my disappearance should go quietly. I just want people to know that abortion and suicide need to be made sociologically acceptable. I have thought for many years that I should be the poster child for abortion. I have really done nothing significant to benefit the people of the planet. With a population approaching 9B, not everyone is going to be able to participate in societies’ activities, and they should be allowed to move on. Peace.
Thomas, I’m very sorry for your pain, and I thank you for your empathy. I have not killed myself yet because, well, life ends soon enough, I suppose. I suspect you are wrong in saying you’ve done “nothing significant to benefit the people of the planet.” I suspect that you’ve been a “shoulder to cry on” for many, and don’t underestimate that. Perhaps you’ve saved lives – like mine. Your family sounds like a bunch of dysfunctional boobs – much like mine. Sometimes, it’s best to stay far away from those who hurt you – or blame you – because you were born. Don’t underestimate your power. You have something most people do not have – you care about something deeper than yourself. In my opinion, this world needs more like you. So, hang in there, bro’. Life ends soon enough anyway. Give yourself a kiss in the mirror. You deserve it. And thank you… Your answer means much to me.