im honestly thinking of taking my life tonight.

I’m 17 years old, I suffer from BDD(body dysmorphic disorder), social anxiety, depression, and I’m pretty sure I have unstable emotions. My father committed suicide when I was 3 years old and from then my mother raised me and my two older sisters while she abused depression pills, she would always go out to drink and come home drunk and mean, whenever a guy would come into her life she forgot she had children. I was too young to realize all that was happening around me.I’ve been bullied since I was in 4th grade, I only had one friend until we entered middle school and she got a new bestfriend; in 7th grade I changed schools because a group of kids followed me home and threw icicles at the back of my head, from 8th grade to 10th grade I would get close and trust people with my personal life and they would use it all against me and make fun of my home life. 9th grade I went through a weird phase after I obtained my first real boyfriend, after that I was treated terribly by other guys in attempt to find a stable relationship. At this time my mom made us move in with this guy she had only known for a month, he did not appreciate her kids at all. He was terrible to us, I stayed in my room all day everyday in that house, I was not allowed to have friends over, we couldn’t have our family or boyfriends over, if someone were to come get me id have to walk to the next street over to get picked up, his family was absolutely rude to me and my sisters. At the end of 9th grade I had started dating this kid for the 2nd time and we lasted for 5 months, I spent the whole year trying to get back with him cause I thought I was in love, and he had cheated on me with the girl he dated after me(which he cheated on her with my current boyfriends ex girlfriend to make us jealous), he pretty much scared the thought of relationships out of me, I can’t describe how terrible he made me feel, he would criticize my weight constantly cause I was fra little heavy back then, I’ve never been happy with my body. I’m polish and I’ve got weird genetics that give me body hair in places I shouldn’t have, also having natural black hair its all dark and noticable. No matter how much weight I lose someone still calls me fat. I’ve never thought I had a hideous face but I’ve never been able to afford braces and my teeth are terribly crooked, I get made fun of for that as well. I hate my hair, I hate my legs, my stomach and my chest. he would hit me with game controllers, hangout with people I didn’t like, flirt with other girls on social networks and text, hold hands and cuddle with girls in school, and I stayed with him cause I thought I was in love with him. He’d make me have sex with him many times a day even though I wouldn’t want to, he was the first boy id ever done anything with. after we broke up he made sure that I didn’t make any friends at all. He told people that I cheated and slapped him, everybody but people who actually knew what kind of person I am believed him, I would never hurt someone I’m a very sensitive person. During that time I was having constant fights with my mom every day, a lot which were physical, she ended up going to rehab for the depression pills so I had to stay with my sister whom I’ve never gotten along with. She has problems with horomones and she has a mental illness and a terrible temper, she has choked me and literally beat the shit out of me many times, when I was only 7 years old she would threaten to kick my ass when I’m 18 and would drag me across the sidewalk, she once made me swallow bottled soap for not listening and I had to go to the hospital. She has an unhealthy relationship with her boyfriend, they have a child yet he cheats on her on a daily basis and abuses her, they are terrible to my nephew. Staying with them for a week was terrible, the only good that came of it was me meeting the boy I’m with at the moment. I was at the mall trying to meet a friend but it turned out they were there hanging out with my ex and my ex told them I’m crazy and they shouldn’t hangout with me, at that time I was in bad drama with 2 people I was once the best of friends with and their 2 friends just because the guy that one of my friends liked me and not her, I had never spoke to the boy and I rejected him multiple times. They would harrass me in school, on facebook, tumblr, twitter, outside of school, they’d find out where. I was going and show up there and spit on me and yell things to me, they would talk to guys I tried to get into relationships with and ruin the chances of it, and if I had classes with them they’d yell things to me, the teachers did nothing because they didn’t like me, nice anti bully program right? Ever since I could remember I would never go to school cause of all this. I’ve missed all of high school because of bullies and the fact that my teachers were mean to me, I looked like everyone else and I was respectful and always got my makeup work done. For a year I was truly happy for once in my life, I felt true happiness when my boyfriend and me started dating, he treated me like I mattered and made me feel so loved and wanted, I had never felt that before. As it turned out he had a dysfunctional family t,oo, his dad puts them in debt and cheats on his mother and his mother is a very beyond strict woman and takes all her anger out on him, he used to be very sheltered, he’s only stayed the night at a persons house 5 times in his life, they get into intense fights a lot, he says that shell hit him and say he’s a failure and a disappointment. In that year however my sister and her biyfriend broke up and she lost her trailer because she started spending her money on going out to meet guys so she had to stay with us. In no less then a week of living there she got us all kicked out because she was too mean to her child, and it was a good reason to kick us out. So currently, me, my mother, my sister, my nephew, my sog and her two cats live in a tiny apartment. My mom has been out of a job since 2007, she got fired from kroger for stealing a magazine, so we’re poor. My sister would invite strange guys over every weekend and have sex with them in our living room, id be forced to stay in my room. I was out of school and I thought I would try switching to my boyfriends school, which there his ex girlfriend and all her friends would call me a landwhale. I dropped out. I stopped eating and became underweight. Over time my sister and her boyfriend got back together, so every month he comes to stay with us for a weekend cause he truck drives. In october of last year my boyfriends grand father died, and since then he has treated me terribly. He became a totally different person. He stopped doing nice things for me, he stopped being compassionate, he stopped inviting me to hangout with him and his friends, he talks to me less, we don’t see each other a lot , he doesn’t stick up for me when his friends are mean to me, he says rude things to me and he will say things about other women in attempt to make me jealous on purpose. Which since living in a cramped apartment with women and a child and animals we all argue everyday, over the bathroom, food, money etc. All of this stillh appens . Tonight I questioned whether to break up with my boyfriend or not cause he acts as if his friends are the only ones who make him happy, cause he’s having problems at the moment, but he won’t tell me what’s going on. I try to say sweet things to him and make his day and try to be there for him but he pushes me away and doesn’t appreciate it. We once had everything in common, and now he takes it upon himself to critticize it all, which makes me feel judged constantly, if I take interest in something he makes fun of it. Every night I pour my heart out to him, I tell him how I feel about all this, and he’ll apologize and promise to make it better, but then it gets worse. We’ve been togethher for almost 2 years, I find it hard to just give up on that, especially since he is the only one who knows about all my problems and has put up with me in all my forms up to this poiunt. But It has happened so much I’ve began to get really angry with him easily and I’ve lost trust. He acts as if he doesn’t care. I cry hysterically every night and my mother yells at me for it cause it wakes her up. At the moment its my senior year and I’m in alternative school with 3 credits, I’m passing all my classes and nobody is proud of me, its the first time I’ve been able to say I have 100%s in all my classes. I have no friends. I sit in my room all day and everyday, I have for over 4 years, I have aquantences but that’s it. Every now and then ill put a cry for help on twitter or facebook or even text people: no response ever. Nobody knows about all of this, I don’t trust anyone anymore. I feel like I’m not meant to live a happy life. I won’t graduate till 2015 but everyone who made my life hell graduates this year. I’m being punished for all of it but they get a gold star. I lose motivation for school everyday, and if I stop going ill never get a job. I can’t get a job right now as it is. I just want to die. I know that what my father did made my life like this and it would only make things worse if I did it too but nobody realizes that I just can’t take this. I’m not strong enough for life. I can’t even see myself alone if I broke up with my boyfriend, I don’t want to be alone in life I’m only 17. I just want it all to go away, I want all the pain to go away, it hurts to even cry now cause I’ve cried so much in my life already. I feel like I have nothing going for me in life, I don’t even drive yet. I’ve lost my will to persue what I was once talented in, and if my depression takes over much more and I quit school again I can kiss a good future goodbye… If there is a God why does he do this to me? Why do I have to set aside my happiness for other people. Why do so many people hate me when I’ve done nothing, most of which I’ve never said a single word to these people. I never stick up for myself cause it doesn’t even feel worth it, I’m useless trash. Disposable trash.