Hi, My names Savannah. Lately i just been feeling down. Like a worthless piece of shit. I can’t seem to do anything right. I’m literally talentless. I’m failing half of my classes and i’m just so stressed out, with sports and school and just life. But then again i just feel like a selfish *****. Like why do i constantly think about ending my life? There’s people out there with such worse problems. You don’t see them giving up. I’m just fucking weak.
When i was 11 my father committed suicide, i’m the one who found him. I honestly think that’s the only reason i haven’t snapped and killed myself yet. Because i know how badly that affected everyone he was close to. There’s a whole lot going on in my life right now but i feel like all of this, all of these thoughts and feelings lead back to this incident.
My mom was really depressed after it happened, and she’s just now moving on. She’s has a new boyfriend. Even though it’s been 4 years, it makes me really fucking mad she can just move on and start dating some guy i dont even know. She’s out almost every night. She ignores me a lot. I’ve tried telling about me feeling sad and how depressed i am. how i fall asleep crying every night, how i worry about my future and that ill never amount to anything, because i’m just so dumb. She kinda just blows it off like i’m being an emotional teenager. And i get it but i mean this is far more than that and it’s not getting better. I need help but i don’t where to turn.
The rest of my family doesn’t really talk to us anymore. It’s just me my mom and my two older brothers. There nothing but mean to me. I try to talk to them and be there friends but they want nothing to with me. they don’t even care about me, they don’t try to protect me like normal older brothers. They just make fun of me. but i guess that’s just how siblings go. i just miss it when my dad was here when we all got along and had family dinners and movies. The fun holidays with everyone. Now holidays are just disappointments.
As far a friends go i don’t have to many. My three closest friends don’t even live around here. I just have a couple school friends. People at school call me dumb and ditsy. I’m kinda the funny kid at school (only in some classes) So to them it’s just a joke. But to be honest i kinda gets to me sometimes. At school i play it off like everything is great and i’m a happy kid. but i mean that’s not the truth.
This whole life thing just sucks. i’m so sick of this. So tired and just really exhausted from being depressed. I want help but i don’t know who to talk to. I don’t want people to feel sorry for me, and i feel like if i tell my friends they might just think that’s all i’m looking for. So i’ve started to turn to marijuana. Iv’e always done this but it’s just now turning into and everyday thing. This definitely makes me feel better but of course it’s not long term. I’ve tried other drugs as well. I know it’s not the right thing to do and honestly i just feel like a loser. But i don’t know what to do. I just wanna be happy again. I just want things to go back to how they used to be. I need help.
Please don’t judge me. I’ve never really told anyone about all of this.
8 comments
You’ll be ok. just got to keep your head up. you have a boyfriend?
and by that I don’t mean to be creepy, I mean you sound exactly like my friend’s girlfriend
haha, No i don’t have a boyfriend.
ok, now that crazy coensdence isn’t occuring…i know that things are hard right now. i didn’t lose my dad to suicide, but i lost my best friend and i turned to heroin. its been years since than but ive grown up a lot and let a lot of the pain go. i know you might here it a lot. but there are others who care, even annoymous strangers on the internet. right now might not be your best day but u vented and that’s the first step. i hope things get better 🙂
Thanks , it means a lot to hear that others understand and do care. (:
I CARE TOO!:) stay STRONG! don’t give up. you might think that your weak but your not. You are capable of overcoming anything and anyone in this world so don’t give up.:)
You aren’t going to find much judgement here little one. We all have the same insecurities and apparently spend our time banging our heads against rocks rather than throwing them at others, not to mention our lovely glass houses.
Try not to judge what other people do based on what you see. Yes, others ‘may’ have bigger problems and ‘maybe’ they aren’t giving up, but who knows what they are doing to ‘cope’. Maybe they have secret compulsions. Or worse than that, they may act abusively to their families at home. My parents were a couple of those. Seemed to cope with life’s injustices nobly on the outside, while beating us all senseless in the cover of our home.
Just remember, you’re trying to cope the best you can – not compared with someone else – but for what you can do. And I think you’re holding up better than a lot have. Definitely not worthless, hopeless or unlovable. And you shouldn’t have to do it alone. You won’t have to do it alone.
I wonder if some mentoring programs might help give you a little strength to help shore you up right now.
Thanks a bunch for the advice. What are mentoring programs?