I’m 21, (ya I know I’m young) .. My whole life has been nothing but suffering. I’ve been bullied since I could remember. I’ve had my ups and down’s but have been depressed for many years. It’s at its worst right now. I don’t have a licence, I don’t have a job, I don’t have highschool, I will never see college. I don’t even know what I want to do for my future. I don’t even see me having a future. My boyfriend left me because he “doesn’t love me” anymore. He can’t understand what I’m going through. We still talk. He’s going to be dating someone else soon. It hurts more than anything, I love him so much and he’s all I have left. My parents severely underestimate my pain and sadness, they are the type that think that there is always a freakin rainbow over every hill (my ass). My best friend stopped associating with me for no reason, out of nowhere. I don’t have a single person to call a friend… I talk to one single person very rarely (like once a week), and I don’t even know how to think anymore because I have so little conversation. I never leave my house because I have nowhere to go. I know I’m going to be spending the holidays alone. Its the only time in my life where I wasn’t looking forward to December. I’m at the end of my rope. I know that there is no happiness for me. No one wants me, or talks to me, or loves me. No one can even see my pain, they just expect me to go on medication and try, try, try. Like its so easy..
I know its never going to get better, it never has; or it gets better and when I finally see any bit of happiness something takes it away. I was so happy with him, I had so much, and it slowly and painfully got taken away from me.. I don’t know what wants me to suffer so bad. I’m a good person, I care about others. I love to make people smile and feel good about themselves, even if I don’t know them. I believe in and fight for what’s right. I just can’t fight for myself, anymore.
I really really want a peaceful death. I have never cut or anything. Pain terrifies me, I have a very very low tolerance I was thinking of either a helium or ******** hood, but I feel like something will make it fail and leave me with brain damage or something. I know that I have many time periods where no one will disturb me so if I do it right I know it will go all the way, I don’t know of anything that could go wrong. I just wanted to know some details about this method (ex. if you pass out in less then a minute, then what is the point of having more then one helium tank? If your passed out how can you switch them?). I don’t know where or how to make these things. I’ve been researching but I want to be 100% knowledgeable in what I’m doing. I don’t want to fail.. it can’t fail..
5 comments
Hi,
Firstly, I’m Stuart, nice to meet you. Your intro made me chuckle. I tried killing myself on Tuesday so I know what you’re going through. However, I’m going to try and talk you out of it. I tried the helium bag after doing a lot of research and fully believed that when I put the bag over my head and took a deep breath of helium I would die. This didn’t happen. Instead I started convulsing like you do when you are drowning. Not pleasant. So as I didn’t die, I had to face my problems. I guess this was a bit of a revelation. All my life (I’m 37) I have always thought that if everything fails which it has done up to now, I can just kill myself. I have learnt after many failed attempts that unless you’re willing to jump off a high building or blow your brains out this isn’t easy. So I’ve decided that I’m not going to think about suicide anymore but instead write a list of the areas in my life of which there are many, where things just have to change!! I know it isn’t going to happen overnight but If I make the effort to try and be positive and not listen to those negative voices (not literally) that are telling me that life is hopeless then who knows maybe I want feel so bad anymore. Can I suggest something? When I was a bit younger than you I too was unemployed watching my life pass me by so I started volunteering in a charity shop. It gave me some self-esteem and experience that was invaluable and it looked good on my c.v too. Why don’t you look into it? Don’t believe those hopeless voices in your head. You could very well have a very happy furture ahead of you.
I’m glad I made you chuckle.
So what I’m getting from what you wrote, is that you put the bag on your head and took one breathe hoping it would kill you? LMAO I think that you have to breathe more then that for it to work, or that you would pass out before having convulsions at least.. I don’t know that’s strange lol. I was thinking of using ******** instead because it is apparently more peaceful. Its used in euthanasia often.
I spend all of my time alone not doing anything, and I have many hours to think. My choice is coming from a clear and logical place. Like I said, ever since I was little, every single time that I have gotten to a place where I felt happy, its always been slowly stripped until I have nothing left. Something wants me to suffer and I just can’t handle it happening again. I feel like I might have a psychotic break or get reach an even darker place. I don’t want to have that anymore. I don’t want to struggle to make a life for myself. Its like forcing yourself to stay in a relationship that you’re not happy in. I can’t just live with my mom for the rest of my life. I feel like once I leave this place, whether I face heaven, or nothingness, it would surely be more peaceful then living.
There is nothing in my life that I can change. I can’t go anywhere, or do anything. I don’t have any way to get anywhere, and no one cares to help me; even in regards to my own life or health. I don’t have any money. I don’t have any energy or care to do much.
I know not a lot can change for me, and any noticeable change will take months or years, and I just can’t deal with it anymore. I’m sick of being so alone and doing the same things day after day. I have to at least try to get to a better place. If I fail then I will deal with the consequences of that when I get there.
Thank you for your reply btw.
Sorry to hear you feel so helpless. No, I didn’t just have one breath then gave up on the helium. I had another huge breath and it was at this point that my body started shuddering and I felt like I was suffocating. I’m a big baby though. That’s probably why I’m still here. It’s a big world out there. You don’t need to feel stuck where you are. Talk to someone and gain a different perspective on things. I have felt that there is no way for about 6 months and a few days later I met someone and I feel a lot better. Can’t say it will last but I’m just saying things can change quickly when you don’t expect it.
I know all of these things but they don’t apply to me at all. I don’t have a single person in my life. Over time the only people I’ve tried to talk to are my family. No one takes what I say seriously. They just gloss over the seriousness or spout some happiness at the end of every rainbow garbage that we all know isn’t true. Its more irritating than anything. Then when I am serious and sharing information about my self, such as stating “I have no friends” then the person automatically like a robot goes “no no, that’s not true, don’t say that” .. like what does that get me? Like they are retarded because they think that’s its impossible to not have any friends, which clearly isn’t true. People just don’t listen to me or understand so I don’t bother, it just makes everything worse. By the way I already know all the perspectives and it doesn’t matter, because my life is my life and its been the same or ended up the same no matter what I did differently, or changed, or avoided. I have been stuck in the same place for years and it doesn’t look like its going to change – probably ever. Me wanting to end my life is a completely logical and thoroughly examined thought. For me nothing has or probably will change quickly, because there is no way for them to. I don’t go anywhere or do anything and the chances of that changing are about 4 in 10. I know that if I make my final decision and it is to leave this world, I know for a fact that it is something that I want and the one thing meant for me.
My first test with balloon time helium i passed out in about 2 minutes with the flow control kit from exit international and a exit bag.. my body started to tingle all over just before i passed out. I needed to know how fast it worked so this was just a test.