I hope you know I’m never asking you to see me again. I’m afraid to call you now because I’m being “annoying”. I’m not going to be making any effort anymore, that’s up to you. Things have been said, hurtful things – and with no explaination. I don’t have much trust for many people anymore but I thought you were one of the good ones. I hope you know that you make me fore more ashamed and embarrassed of myself than you think of me. I want you to know that you are the reason for my pain Rn. I want you to know that I think twice about every action and every word I say because of you. I know I’m not enough for you and clearly never was. I’ve tried my hardest and forgiven you for things other people wouldn’t. I’m sick of feeling these things because of what you say and what you think of me. I’ve done all I could do but it still wasn’t even so I am done trying, done everything. If you want to fix things then that’s all on you because I am no longer going to. the way you treat me and more importantly what you think of me. It’s hard enough dealing with my own negative thoughts about myself without you having other shit to say behind my back. I thought I was more important that the petty bullshit that comes out of your mouth. I’m over everything and I hope you see this and change but unfortunately I don’t think you will. I love you but now have come to terms that I’m nothing more than a friend who you use when it is convenient for you. I would almost feel betrayed but somehow I knew this was coming. You’ll forget about me, I know that. You treat me like shit knowing that I will always come back but not this time. Just know you’ve hurt me in more ways than one and this time it will either be different or I can’t live on like this. I hope you change, I hope you realise and I hope you treat me better. I care about you but don’t want your friendship if it continues like this. I am speaking to you right now as if nothing is wrong but it is. You don’t understand how insecure, disgusted, worthless and self conscious of myself and the way I look and the way I act you have caused m to feel. I simply cannot trust another word out of your mouth. I hope you know that you’ve truely hurt me deep this time. I was told things that really hurt and they especially hurt by you. Thanks for everything “best friend”.
Four o’clock in the afternoon and I didn’t feel like very much
I said to myself, ”Where are you golden boy? Where is your famous golden touch?”
I thought you knew where all of the elephants lie down
I thought you were the crown prince of all the wheels in Ivory town
Just take a look at your body now, there’s nothing much to save
And a bitter voice in the mirror cries, ”Hey, prince, you need a shave”
Now if you can manage to get your trembling fingers to behave
Why don’t you try unwrapping a stainless steel razor blade?
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
There’s no hot water and the cold is running thin
Well, what do you expect from the kind of places you’ve been living in?
Don’t drink from that cup, it’s all caked and and cracked along the rim
That’s not the electric light, my friend, that is your vision growing dim
Cover up your face with soap, there, now you’re Santa Claus
And you’ve got a gift for anyone who will give you his applause
I thought you were a racing man, but you couldn’t take the pace
That’s a funeral in the mirror and it’s stopping at your face
That’s right, it’s come to this… Yes, it’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
Once there was a path and a girl with chestnut hair
And you passed the summers picking all of the berries that grew there
There were times she was a woman, there were times she was just a child
And you held her in the shadows, where the raspberries grow wild
And you climbed the twilight mountains and you sang about the view
And everywhere that you wandered, love seemed to go along with you
That’s a hard one to remember, yes, it makes you clench your fist
And then the veins stand out like highways, all along your wrist
And yes, it’s come to this… It’s come to this…
And wasn’t it a long way down… Wasn’t it a strange way down…
You can still find a job, go out and talk to a friend
On the back of every magazine, there are those coupons you can send
Why don’t you join the Rosicrucians? They will give you back your hope…
You can find your love with diagrams on a plain brown envelope
But you’ve used up all your coupons, except the one that seems
To be written on your wrist, along with several thousand dreams
Now Santa Claus comes forward, that’s a razor in his mitt
And he puts on his dark glasses and he shows you where to hit
And then the cameras pan, the stand-in stuntman
Dress rehearsal rag… It’s just the dress rehearsal rag…
You know, this dress rehearsal rag… It’s just a dress rehearsal rag…
hm. i love when my kitten lays and cuddles with me. i love my kitten and i love cuddles with him.
It’s been awhile since my last post. Damn, I was.. 16? I’m 18 now and things aren’t looking quite as bright. I’m more mature, yes, but.. My grandfather died an awful death. Stage 4 cancer. I got to watch him suffer, scream and plead for death then die. My Grandmother also has stage 4 and my OTHER grandmother just was diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer. My two great-uncles passed away, along with a great aunt.. Plus my dog, Charm, and my Cat, Jarro also passed away..
(The fuck is with all this death?)
This has my my family go even more batshit crazy, and, in the midst of this I’m turning 18, getting out of school and, in a month or two, I’m moving out. I can’t take it at home anymore. I can’t stand this mess. They drink and scream and act like fucking idiots and it’s such a stress to just live and be. They’re so incredibly strict it’s difficult to find a job or do most anything that requires leaving the house.. That piled with the stress from my GED study and math issues.. It’s a lot.
The thing is I’m moving in with a friend’s parents, and I don’t know how to explain that to them without it turning into a fight. Any suggestions? It might be a fight nonetheless.. I have no idea.
Hi Everybody! I’m looking for some local, like minded people to befriend? Say hi and introduce yourself below! I would love to talk to you! I’m J. I’m 24. And I’m just a really sad girl. I haven’t really let anybody know it though. I kinda struggle with talking about the real stuff and would love to connect with someone who is looking for the same thing.
I have friends. Well, not many, but I have them. I’m not very popular and the friends I do have are ones that are the kind that stick by you through everything. They help, or try to, but the depression I have goes beyond anybody. I’m not looking for sympathy, for comfort. I’m just looking for someone to understand.
I’m just a sad teenager from Flordia. Literally, if anybody wants to chat with me, to be my friend, please. I’m here.
Why do people throw that term out like candy? Everyone says they’re a “friend,” but you know they’re not, not a real, true, genuine friend. I grew up in a different state, and back there a friend was a real friend, you didn’t call them a friend unless you meant it. Now here, in this state, it’s all phony and BS. Well anyway, I hate this shit. In the end, I’m all alone with no real friends and no one to give a damn about me.
Ive been struggling to find someone to talk to recently as i dont feel im doing the best.
I tried the online counselling but they all need payment details to actually talk to someone professional.
I just want someone who knows what im going through to pay attention and offer advice because i honestly feel so lonely atm.
Id really appreciate a message… For the record im also a really good listener!
Mozart composed this when he was 11. Wow.
I have a friend who is struggling and has gone radio silent. It makes me sad. But I understand the reasons for it even if it makes me introspective tonight. His favorite genre of music isn’t necessarily Mozart, or piano. He is more an electric guitar shredder of sorts. He is also one of the most amazing singers I have ever had the honor of hearing.
Still for some reason I thought of him when I listened to this.
Love yourself and be kind.
Especially you my friend, where ever you are tonight.
I live in a south-american country with lots of social problems. One of those, connected in a way to all, is poverty. I was born in a fairly wealthy family, not rich, but in a country were some some didn’t make enough to eat, certainly more than enough. My family didn’t live always as well as they did by the time I was born, and still lived in the same “low-class” neighborhood. In this neighborhood, lived a much poorer family, and my grandmother were friends with them. I was about 7 when I was introduced to the other old lady’s grandson, a kid older than me, about 12. Despite the age gap, we became good friends, and had many pleasant afternoons playing Super Mario World and Donkey Kong Country on my SNES. He had a melancholic mood, despite the smiles and the laughter we shared together. It was there, when he would stare by the window for a long time or when he didn’t want to play. He never spoke about it, and in my child thinking, I couldn’t really understand. He lived with his grandmother and sisters. His mother would show quite frequently, but didn’t live there, and his father appeared only drunk to ask for money and mistread everybody. I know this because I was told later. We were friends until I became 11. He never complained, despite I knowing from my and his grandmothers conversations that he used to cry a lot. His father was violent on him, blamed him for a lot of things he just wasen’t guilty of. One day, I was told he died. An “accident” they said. Nobody really thought that I should know that he suicided at the moment. When I knew, I felt hollow, guilty. He was my friend, how come I didn’t notice, couldn’t help in any way? He was 17. His family moved, and I never had the chance to talk to them. I never stopped asking myself why.
Later in my life, I came to a moment when I began to understand why. I became depressive myself, with my share of suicidal thoughts. I also was ashamed of talking about it, I wanted everybody to hate me, because if they hated me, they wouldn’t miss me when I was gone. I used to “play” with my father’s unloaded gun when no one was home, imagining what I would feel if the bullet pierced my brain. Never tried it for real. The most terrifying felling is that no one knew. Nobody suspected. I was just a regular teen, moody, kind of gloomy, but no one knew how close I was to taking my life. And that is what is the most dangerous thing in depression in my opinion. We get used to live in a body we consider a walking corpse, we keep jobs, keep family, a happy and fine outside, when in the inside you just want to end it.
Time goes by and I’m now a psichology student. I had help, and when I found this website, I just wanted to share that the first step to change is talking about it. It’s hard, you don’t want to, you think no one can understand, or that you simply can’t be helped. If you keep it quiet, one day it will be too late. if you talk about it, each day gets easier. you can start talking in here, but you should also look for professional help. From what I’ve been reading, each post here is the demonstration of someone willing to share something. Keep sharing! Wish you well.
(….all of the words I wish I could say….)
I know you will never see this, however, I have to get this off my chest. I can pretend for a little while, at least for a fleeting moment, that you’ll see this note and your sea blue eyes will look on my words. I can dream, anyway– even if I have not slept for two days, I can day dream that you will read this. I can pretend you’re here, and that this nightmare that has become life never began.
This nightmare used to be a story of friendship and love, but it is now something much darker that I don’t understand. I wish I could wake up from this and know that you’re okay and that you never did this… But I know that my wishes can’t come true. I could wish on a thousand stars, and it will never come true. I could pray to a god, if I believed in God, and he wouldn’t answer me or make it better. There is no way to fix what you have done, and therefore, have left me no choice but to push on through and see this to the end, whether you are sentenced to death or not. Regardless, due to the Creed I live by, I won’t leave your side, even though we’re thousands of miles away. I can’t just leave you man.
When I first came across you, you were afraid of me. Why? Because you thought I would never love you. This was 8th grade. Ah, such an innocent year! I had my first love that year, remember? I hope you do, unless the drugs have eaten your brain that much. You should remember because I threw ant-ridden Mountain Dew at your face when you made fun of me for crying over the boy I loved. You should remember.
I actually regret that. I know now that I am stronger than that, and you saw that in me, and that’s why you said the things you said about it. Because you knew I was better than that than to cry over some boy. I had told you previously about my shitty childhood. About how a boy molested me when I was the ages 4-6. I told you through a letter, I still have that letter. And you listened to me.
…. I find myself continuously weeping over what has happened. I am crying now, as I type this, because the memories are so bittersweet. You loved me so much, and I will never understand why or how you managed to murder a 16 year old boy, when you had so much love in your heart. Drugs changed you, I guess… And it hurts to know this.
I remember how you held me when you told me your mother had passed from the cancer. You told me she felt better now, and that I shouldn’t be sad because she feels better. And I remember how we sat under the stars and spoke of life and what would come. I told you I would be a hair dresser….
Well, I am 20 and have no job. I graduated beauty school, but the light died when you shot that kid in the back of the neck execution style. I don’t feel like doing a fucking thing except crawl into bed and sleep forever. But I can’t even sleep, it’s 5:57am right now and I have not slept. It feels like a lifetime since I have slept. I have not slept since I found out about what you have done. I don’t know if I will ever find solace ever again. You told me you’d be in the Army, and well, you’ve done it. But not in the right way, I suppose… You should’ve mourned for your mom, dear. And I think you understand why I told you you should go and have a good cry or something. You should understand now, as you sit in a cold cell, why I said you need to feel more and shove your feelings away a little less. You need to feel sometimes, even if it is pain, to know that you are alive and human, otherwise you will become empty and do something rash to fill up that void. And it seems to be that’s what you’ve done, friend. You went off and killed a teen in the desert to fill up that void. And yes, I do blame myself.
As someone who was your only ‘family’ left, even though my mom and I are not related to you, we are hurt and I blame myself. Maybe if I would’ve told you I loved you or need you more, you wouldn’t have done this. I know this is completely irrational, since you’re a man and you make your own decisions, but I feel like I should’ve kept you closer and held you just a little tighter and told you I needed you more often. But I didn’t. ‘Should’ve’, ‘could’ve’, and ‘would’ve’ won’t bring back the boy I knew and loved. Hindsight is always 20/20, right? Apologies won’t bring that 16 year old back either. ‘Sorry’ won’t fix anything. ‘Sorry’ will not thaw the ice on that family’s heart. I could apologize until I was blue in the face or until my hands gave out, but it will not change anything. I could give myself lashings for the rest of my life, and it would not change a damn thing, because the boy that I know, his heart has died, and so has that poor boy.
When did your heart die? When did you decide to lose hope? I would love to know, but this isn’t a Hallmark film, where at the end I know the answer and get my closure and you are still the same person you were before, but with a mark on your spirit, this is real life, where people die, girls get raped, murderers get away with crime, and dirty politicians will win over the working class. This is a life where, most likely, I will never know your fate because I am too far away and the jail doesn’t realize that I am the only sense of ‘family’ you have left, even though we’re not blood related, and will refuse to let me talk to you. They couldn’t give a shit less about me probably. You’re so drugged out probably that you forgot to tell them, or afraid to face me. In real life, it is when shit like this happens and the good people don’t win, Evil over comes, and fate screws us all over. That is fate. That is real life. I will probably never see you again. I will never be able to tell you that I love you and that, yes, you do matter to me.
I’m not even mad at you. If anything I just cry over the fact that you used to be so kind…. What happened to you? Was it that terrible influence other people seem to cause, or was it the drugs or really was it all just a face you put on to me, for all of those years? I read over those letters you wrote to me from basic. I have wept a thousand times; the memories are so nice but they hurt. God they hurt so much. Anything I do reminds me of you. I don’t know if I’ll be able to really live after this. It will be a half-life… I know that for sure.
But I don’t want this too be too long, God knows you hate to read. I can still pretend you’re here though and that everything is okay and that you’ll read this, and that this is a nightmare that I will wake up from. I can pretend… Right?
I’ve suffered from awful anxiety for the majority of my life, and I’ve withdrawn socially. I’m using Facebook in an attempt to check up on those people who made my life more enjoyable, and hopefully be able to call them and communicate more personally. It sucks waiting for a friend request to be accepted or even denied. My emotional state cycles to a state of hope to a state of resentment and tears. Life gets better? I sure hope so, but until I can talk to them, I feel such great regret and intense curiosity about the wellbeing of those people. Too bad medication can’t solve everything.
Hi.. I am MrSilent. There is not much to know of me so I won’t bother with the details. I will give a very broad background of why I have chosen this name..
For years and counting, I have been silent. Silent of my emotion, silent of my thoughts and silent of my life and it’s duration. Recently, I’ve stumbled upon this community. I thought it would be quite interesting to be able to speak through text.. I have much to say but I will save most for later if I am still living. There is not a doubt that I am slowly collapsing, so, one day I will no longer be here to post for anyone who would actually read, or, see this, or, even follow each post. Some just don’t understand that being silent is the hardest for many..
Now that that’s all out of the way.., For many years, I have tried reaching out for assistance but ended up being the assistance for others. Apparently, people needed someone with ears and no mouth to speak to. I was the perfect guy for the job, of course. Hearing their stories.. I envied them. Many would claim that my mind is clouded with ignorance. I wouldn’t blame them, but at the same time, they would also be ignorant for not knowing my experiences as we all have different reactions towards the same and different scenarios and such. Therefore, it’s just a vicious cycle of people picking at each other trying to point out who’s the “real” insensitive one. But I digress.. From my perspective, these people have ideal lives from what they’ve told me and I would kill to have what they did.. So, that’s what I want to do. I want to kill for a new life.. I want to trade my life for a new one.
What’s stopping me? The fact that I must start life all over again. The fact that everything I’ve learned will be gone. My morals and perspective may even be different. This is all still giving the benefit of the doubt that there even is a chance at starting a new life after your current one has passed..
Friends, Family, Girlfriend.. All of them I love dearly.. But, I’ve never experienced being selfish. It’s always been my goal to be selfless. I need to be selfish just this once. I am going to leave them for silence in my mind and ear, rather than my mouth. I need silence. All my life, there’s been nothing but noise. I stay up every night trying to fight the loud thoughts and flashbacks. And now.. at the age of 17, I am exhausted..
Everyday is beginning to seem harder than the day before. Every night is beginning to seem longer. And all the things that have crippled me have become stronger..
If you’re still reading.., thank you. There’s a good chance people would read and say, “why are you complaining? At least you have _____,” but honestly? We all have different reactions to situations, and I would like to say that my current situations are quite unbearable for me.. All of which I will leave for people to piece together. It’ll make things interesting, plus, I really don’t feel like getting into all of it in one post. I may post a little about all of it in each post. “Little breadcrumbs,” I suppose you could call them..
If there really is anyone out there who took the time to read this, please feel free to contact me.. It would be nice to have a friend with similar intentions.. Someone to talk to, rather than just typing stuff and posting it regardless if anyone cares or not.. I am even willing to help comfort those in need. We’re all in this together. It may sound like the cheesiest thing to say, but, if you are reading this from start to finish, our minds may be in some ways alike. That’s why I say that “you’re not alone.” But, I need someone who’s going through the same thing to be able to tell me that.. It would mean the world to me.. Please. Living with a scarred mind just becomes more and more difficult. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’d understand..
okay so iv been thinking about killing myself and i want someone i can either talk to about it without them telling me that im loved and that i shouldnt do it or someone to help me kill myself. im from northern ireland. im trans and theres a lot of problems going on and idk if i can go through it all. so yeah get back to me if anyone wants to either talk to me or if someone wants to help me die.
It’s been hard, very hard, there are times in which I was fine, others in which I was simply “better”, I feel simply weak, like I’ve seen people passing for things so much more complicated than me and yet I keep asking myself. Why to live? What is the meaning of all this? Why keep feeling all this sadness, I can’t fix some things, I can’t fix my life and I can’t talk with anyone about these things, I don’t have family or friends to speak about it, that’s hard, having to act like I’m fine, HAVING to be fine,why do I have to be fine all the time? Why the world can be simply so cruel? I just want some hope, some real reason to be alive, to really want to live. For many years I’ve been better but the last 5 years made me get a lot worse, I just want someone who could listen to me… take me out of this loneliness in which I’ve been for so long…
Yours, horrid and gruesome
I’m sorry if you ever saw in sludge
How can it ever to a profound if I can’t even stand
Friend, the title of this one is
What do I do in this alone
My naval clan still yet to comprehend
The objective, of the Grimer
If you dare
If you reach, in the pits
Revolve, from the viscous matter
Just for a moment
To take on, the damned
As the description says. A friend of mine just did it this monday. And all i can think of is that im jelaus of him. He had the guts to do it. To finally get the eternal rest.
He had been hospitalized for a time now, and he was just on his way out this week. But he came to his senses and did it just before he was to get out. I really hope that i will have the curage to do it soon. If he, that was so sucsessfull in every way (great body, best job, articles writed about him..) could do it, then why not me? He had so much but still did it. I dont have anything and i cant do it. Why!?
I Have everything that i need. Meds, the knowlege to tie a knot. That is my plan. Drug myself to the point where i past out, and then with the snare around my neck, just die. Now u know it.
If You had a friend who spoke to you in the same way you sometimes speak to yourself, ¿How long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Friend: If you had the choice, which super-power would you choose ?
Me: The power To-Be-Happy
Friend: Why ?
Me: We wish to become a Super-hero, like the ones who decorate our books, movies and comics, with their Super-natural powers. Their powers, is what we wish for: their ability to fly, be invincible, breathe fire, or extraordinary speed. Is speed needed when we need to slow down; why want invincibility when lack-of-acknowledgement is the root cause of our sadness; asking to fly when the ground is not understood is useless; breathing fire into a world that closely resembles hell –l is just plain sad. Asking for the Super-natural is our escape from the natural. The natural world, with all it’s hell, sadness, cruelty, loneliness, injustice – is where our happiness sleeps. Escaping in the comfortable arm’s of the super-natural drains our search for this happiness. We must seize the chance, in this world of hell, not the chance to be super-natural, but to live and breathe beyond it – to live beyond it, the only Super-power we need, that no hero can offer, is the power — To-Be-Happy; and the Super-heroes we need are the ones who make this power possible
“And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depths until the hour of separation.”-Khalil Gibran
Today has been a heart-wrenching day. I woke up knowing it was the 2 month mark of when my little brother took his life. It has been a devastating loss that has shattered my world. He is a part of my soul and always has been and I feel tremendous loss.
And then I received an email this morning from a dear friend known here as Iamzero, stating that he was sorry but that he could not go on any longer and wished me thanks and love. Love for so many right til the end, just as my brother had. So compassionate. I am grateful for both of their words and their kind hearts.
I tried to reach him but he deleted all his accounts on here and email. So I do not know for certain, but if he has left, I wish him all the comfort and peace his loving soul deserves. I know my brother will welcome him as a brother. And if you are still out there somewhere, Kevin, if that is your name, it is never too late. You are not alone. Come to me. Contact me and I will find a way to bring you to me and surround you with people who are loving and understanding. I’m so sorry for the pain you have carried and you deserve so much.
Some of you may have seen Iamzero and I corresponding. We had many in depth conversations from our hearts and from our pain. Our words reached each other on a level that I haven’t been able to communicate with others before. His life, his story, his words, his heart, were that of a truly courageous individual who has faced so much sorrow. Someone who was so intelligent, who had so much insight to offer. I wish he could have told his story to the world and maybe comforted those who have felt devastating loss as he had. I know he comforted me.
My brother was the same way. An amazing light. Extremely intelligent, a visionary writer, and felt emotions to his core. Such good-hearted men who cared deeply for others and left the world far too soon. In such a cruel world, we need people like them.
And the world is amidst a wake-up call. With Robin Williams’ passing, more people are realizing the truth about depression and suicide. So with all the pain and heartbreak, I have hope that more people will understand that this affects so many in this world that we may not even realize, and we need to speak more openly about it. We all need to have compassion and understanding for all of humankind, and to help each other. We are all here together. I hope you all know how loved and special you are in your own ways. No one else is you. And the things we all feel, there is someone who can relate. So know you are not alone. I wish everyone here peace.
And to my brother and friend I will miss you both tremendously, remember you always, and carry you deep in my heart. I will use your stories to help anyone I can and I am so grateful to have had the chance to have you in my life. Thank you AnxietyGardener for also offering great suggestions and compassion and also Seppuku for the kind words. Much love and comfort everyone.
I dedicate this song to my brother and to Iamzero. This is the only version that would let me post from my phone, but I think the words express so much. The only thing I would change at the end of the song is that I will not forget you. Not ever. Everyone we come in contact with in this life makes a mark on us in some way, even in some of the briefest moments.
“Without You” by Breaking Benjamin