I think it is, the end. There’s been no reprieve for me from this misery of a depression.
i reached out the other day and told my social worker everything I’d done in the last weeks in an attempt to get some understanding. I told her I tried to jump off the motorway bridge but didn’t think it was high enough to kill me plus what also stopped me was I don’t want to cause an accident for someone else. With this in mind I said my only option to kill myself  was to do it in the car the good ole fashioned way with a pipe in the exhaust.  I also explained I’d been feeling so bad that I took drugs one night because there was no way I could feel any worse. I’ve reached the point where nothing is off limits because I can’t feel any worse. She asked if I wanted to be happy? Well I think that was a pretty stupid question, of course I do, doesn’t everyone? It’s not like I want to be thinking of killing myself constantly.
I’m unsure of what I wanted her to do but I hoped a little understanding maybe? I’ve done what I’m suppose to, I’ve told her everything and I’m none the wiser, have no support for weeks. I said I think she maybe needed to call before Xmas cos I don’t think I will be here much longer. Still unconcerned, we said goodbye. None the wiser once again, maybe tonight is the night I finally do it and show how serious I am. I may not have jumped the other night but that doesn’t mean my desire to succeed is any less.
6 comments
Sounds like you’d get more of a caring response from pocket fluff. Dump that social worker and get a psychotherapist–have you considered that? And you know, the world is full of people who have been emotionally anesthetized by our warped, merciless, cruel culture/society. Don’t depend on anyone to care about you, and whether or not they do or don’t, don’t use their caring/uncaring as an excuse for wanting to live or deciding to die. And remember: when you are open to selflessly giving love (versus dependency e.g. on a social worker), you’ll be far more likely to attract loving, caring people into your life. You can do it, but the keyword there is YOU. Take back your power. Work for it and it will come.
Hey Catfreak,
I could be wrong…but it doesn’t sound like you really want to die…you’re just afraid to live…and you want an end to your torment…the hell of depression. I have suffered my whole life…and my attempts turned out to be more of a cry for help than anything…and still no help…cuz ultimately…you really really need to want to be helped first off…I was too scared and too far gone. I agree with Jupiter…you should be seeing a professional if this has gone on for more than 3 months. Your emotional pain is fairly obvious.
Just wanted to let you know that we are here to try to help you if you will let us…but I still reccommend the professional approach as well. I am currently contemplating a civil suit against a doctor that did much the same thing to me 29 years ago…probably just thought I was an hysterical woman or something….we’ll see.
Sorry you are in so much pain…but you are welcome to share it with us if you like.
Peace
Amakua
Thank you for the kind responses, wasn’t expecting any tbh. I have a private psychologist but she has not duty of care over me so if I tell her anything she can’t really do much but listen and understand which is more than I get off my sw at least! Jupiter thank you for pointing out that I am key in this, I just feel so much like I’m doing everything I can to feel differently but nothing is working so suicide seems like such a plausible option.
Amakua I agree maybe there is a tiny part of me that doesn’t want to end things, even if its only cos I’m afraid once I jump ill change my mind and its too late. Sorry to hear about your doctor all those years ago, hope you find some justice x
Good Morning Catfreak,
Justice? What is that? hahaha…what I’m going to do to make myself feel better…is outlive the SOB…hahaha
Seriously…no one really knows what death is…what if it’s just more of this…but because you didn’t finish…you get put back a grade or have to start all over…i dunno…to me…death isn’t an answer…but another question. How do we know it will be better…if we are not better.
I paid my fare for this funhouse ride…I’m riding it to the end. Sweetie…most of us want to live…we just don’t know how. The ones that are usually successful…are the ones that have a psychotic break…and I don’t think you are there…I hope you aren’t there. Whether an altered state of consciousness…or a break with reality…these are the folks that don’t think about suicide…they do it. For the rest of us…it’s not likely to happen…sorry…but the fact that we obsess about it…does it’s own damage. I have comforted myself through some pretty awful things by reminding myself…I can always check out of this hotel…my ace in the hole…but if you think about it…there really is no where to go…stay here and work through this…then if there is something at the end…you’ll be ready. What do you say?
Can you change social workers…cite a personality conflict or something? Don’t give up…who knows what could happen tomorrow or the next day…I don’t…but I’m willing to stick around and see…besides…I don’t think they will get me now…I’ve survived too much to give up…maybe I’m just coming up to a good part? I dunno
Take Care of You
Amakua
You have an inspiring attitude, outlive the sob!
I guess that’s what keeps me here is the fear that death may not actually be the end. But can things really be any worse? I’m not so sure. Missed a window of opportunity yesterday but another looms.
Could change social workers but I like her as a person and I don’t deal with conflict well at all. Don’t want to put anyone’s backs up at all. The social worker could be right in thinking I won’t do it but part of me almost wants to do it just to prove her wrong (that sounds bad I know). At least I have one more appointment with my psychologist left maybe she can shed some light on my situation… If I could only hold on until then… Arghhh soooo hard!
Hey Catfreak,
I’m not sure if death is better or worse…what I’m afraid of…I’ll have to start over again from the beginning…hahaha
Inspiring attitude?…I think not…unless what you aspire to in life is to be a clown…that is my biggest weapon in my depressives tool box…laugh when I can…usually at myself…sigh…hahaha My Dad was a clown btw…no a real one…hahaha…actually my dad was a Mason and a Shriner…so yeah he was a clown…and I aspire to be more like him. I’m am working on it…but it’s hard sometimes. Sometimes when folks ask how I’m doing…I reply…oooh I’m still a few clowns short of a circus.
I hope you do stick around…get some help…get back on your journey. Someday I pray you will find out what an amazing soul you actually are…but in the meantime…just remember…life is a journey…not a moment…you’re doing fine…just put one foot in front of the other eh?
Peace no matter what
Ama