I want to die. I keep hurting people, and I try my hardest not to. I try to show everyone how much I love them and how much I care, but I suck at showing emotions.
My ex cries every time she thinks about me because I hurt her so bad. We had so many problems. I tried to be perfect. I tried to be the amazing person she deserved, but all I did was fuck up and hurt her time after time.
My ex and I don’t talk anymore, but now I have a new-ish friend, and her and I are just having all types of problems. We’re basically a clique of three: me, her (peaches), and our other friend (shortie). I’m basically fuck buddies with shortie, but shortie and I love each other in more than just a friend way, even though we’re not dating. I go out of my way to be nice and sweet with shortie, because I want us to be more than friends with benefits. But I don’t give peaches that same “special treatment”. Peaches knows this, and she’s just getting hurt more and more by the little things. I’ve tried to be the same way towards peaches that I am with shortie, but it still doesn’t work. I can’t do anything right. Peaches told me that I make her cry on practically a daily basis because of how much I hurt her. Shortie told me that I need to find a way to show peaches that I care, but I don’t know what to do.
We all live in the same college dorm building. If I walk to shortie’s room to say hi before going to peaches’ room, then it hurts peaches a shit ton. If I walk into a room and give shortie a hug before peaches, then peaches feels super rejected. It’s such minuscule fucking things that upset peaches.
I wish I could just stop hurting her. I wish I could just stop hurting everyone. I can’t think of a single person in my dorm building who hasn’t been hurt by me. I can’t think of a single pre-college friend who hasn’t been hurt by me. I try to be nice. I try to give complements, advice, assistance, etc. but I still manage to hurt people. Everyone is like “you’re so nice”, yet people are STILL getting hurt by me. I don’t want this. I just want everyone to be as happy as possible, and I know it could happen if I just wasn’t around to drag everyone.
If only suicide didn’t hurt…