I have always been depressed… But I never really wanted to kill myself… I’ve cut and that has always been more than enough… Cutting eventually went from a way to exit this world for a little to forget the pain…. To an addiction..
I moved in with my sister and have been living here for about a year….I used to have my own place…. Two jobs….Very stable. Things happen in my life that I lost that and now I’m unemployed and living in my 21 year old sisters apt (im 23). When I had a job things were great…. But once I lost it things went down hill….Even though there are 6 other ppl living here I’m always the one that gets blamed for things that are even outta my control….He boyfriend abuses me mentally… And emotionally… When I had a job I provided for anything anyone needed but now that I don’t they hide food…. Shampoo… Soap and even toilet paper… I have been sneaking dish soap to wash my hair….And every time I use the bathroom I have to take a shower because of no toilet paper….My life is horrible…. This is the lowest I ever been… I wake up every day with a heart crushing overwhelming feeling of fear that today will be the day I’m homeless in the streets because she is constantly threatening to kick me out whenever someone or something pisses her off….I dont have other family due to them abandoning me at 16 when I told then about my grandpa and great grandpa molesting me and my sister…..I dont have alot of friends because im a loner and kinda anti social… I have no one but her and my lil brother that lives with us… She constantly chooses her bf over me and has changed so much due to him…If u guys only knew how much I have done for everyone in this house…..But anyways in the end accompanying that fear of being homless is the feeling of suicide….I never felt this way before but now I feel like that’s what I want to do…..I wanna overdose on pill. I have genuinely accepted death as an option and am ok with that….I wanna die…I feel like I have lost everyone now….My sister is so brain washed by her boyfriend and he is my little brothers best friend so of course my little brother also is on his side….I lost my only two family members because of him… I’m soon to be living on the streets (homeless shelters are full)….as we speak she is talking shit and shooting indirect comments about wanting me out and how I don’t do anything with my life…..Even though I’ve only been unemployed for 2 months while she has been for 8… I have always worked and she’s only had one job….See…This is what I’m talking about….I wanna die…..I just want to die :'( there is no reason to live anymore and living on the streets is not living…..I give up… I’m gonna let go soon….And the worst part? No one would really miss me… Lol if anything they’d be mad they have to bother with dealing with my body
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Hello xblacklacex
Don’t worry…as my Buppa was so fond of telling me…they’ll bury you for stink…if not for love….sorry…lol
Seriously…I hear you…just told someone a story about being born depressed and miserable myself…perhaps you can find it in the comments. So I get it. I have been homeless once and came close again 6 months ago…and I still have a child to care for…ahhhhh. But unlike you…I can not get a job and have no hope of ever working again to better my circumstances…and yet…I’ve probably never been happier. Also unlike you…I’ve struggled with melancholia and depression for 51 years currently…tomorrow will be another struggle…but it does pay off.
In the meantime….carry a large purse…I hope you’re a woman…lol…and visit the rest rooms of coffee shops and fast food places to build you a toilet paper stash…and I’m not trying to be funny. Start using your brain and think of ways around your current difficulties…this too shall pass…but can make suggestions if you like…I was also homeless as a teen…soooo…yeah…I get it. If you lived nearby…I would take you in myself…seriously. No one deserves to feel and be treated the way you have been treated. Oh yeah…I am also a survivor of early childhood sexual abuse and was raped the first time at the age of 7…so I get that too…and that was probably the most difficult thing to deal with…but unlike you…I didn’t tell…atleast until he was dead…he hung himself in a jail cell waiting trial for molesting his nieces.
Here for a little longer tonight if you want to talk…
Peace
Amakua