Life.

It’s these days, where I lay in bed and think about my life and how it has turned into a nightmare over the passed years. All time long everything seemed fine and I had my own perfect little world. In the beginning this world was build up by my best friend whom I met in the elementary school nearly 13 years ago for the first time. Since then we were the greatest friends. We both didn’t have many other friends, it was just the both of us, just like Tom and Huckelbarry. Well every perfect story has it’s downside. The one of this is, that almost 3 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer. A world turned upside down. We fought both of us, for him and his life. As it went better I met another person. She was just as great as him. They both finally designed and build up the things that I call worth living for. These things are nothing more than being able to have two people in a life, that life is filled with joy created by small things. Well as mentioned everything has it’s downside. Even this story. Nearly a year my best friend, after 3 years of fightning, killed himself as he didn’t see any more reasons left to fight for. He commited suicide by waiting for a train, head turned down, representing that it’s his will and that he is ready. Suddenly I had a desire to die, from one moment to the other. It took a month, my worst school marks ever, a lot of silence and tears when I decided to talk to my beloved and left friend about my life. I felt a relief as she pulled me out of the deep abyss in which I was soaked in my mind. I felt better and realised how much she actually means to me after losing him, yet I haven’t told her that.
I often told her that I was lost and can’t stand all the left memories and belonging pain and grieving. Still she held up to me and helped me as much she could, more than I have thanked her. Now she is far away, thousands of miles. She went to Australia for a year on the day that he passed away, 2nd of October. I am left here alone with the desire to die. She doesn’t probably know that I’m still grieving as it was yesterday.
I have talked about my depression and suicidal thoughts only with her, the last time 8 months ago.