My Only Distraction.

4 months clean; only because my distraction was Nick, my amazing boyfriend we don’t talk on the phone at night anymore because he’s out and I haven’t heard from him in a couple of days. I realized that the reason that I was four months clean was because he was my distraction away from my depression and suicidal thoughts. But since I usually feel that way at night more so than during the day I’ve noticed my depression has gotten worse. Staying up all night drowning in my own tears and lost in my thoughts my mind is fogged up with suicide as I press the razor on my wrist thinking it’s just cuts; it’s just blood, it won’t matter, just do it. The voices of everyone telling me I’m worthless, a wasted of space, I’m shit, that I should commit suicide racing through my head; repeating over and over I should kill myself just to make everyone happy, everyone would be better off without me, I’m just a problem in everyone’s life. This has been going on for so long it seems natural, I want to give up on trying to be happy, it takes up too much energy that I can’t seem to find; just pretending is starting to become hard. I’ve lost my motivation to breathe, to move, to try anymore. I don’t know what to do I’ve become lost in my hole of depression, I can’t seem to find the way out; help me.. Save me from myself.