Tomorrow is so close, yet it seems to take an eternity to arrive. Tomorrow is the day I’ve decided to kill myself. I feel at a general ease with that knowledge, and my brain tells me I should be horrified with the looming prospect of my demise. Screw that, I done being afraid, I’ve had near constant head and stomach aches all week, but now they’re gone. I’m not going to take my meds tomorrow because I didn’t today, no more point anymore. I suspect I will be more anxious and sick tomorrow night, but oh well. I’ll get home, masturbate one last time, then trek to the cliff at night where I’ll throw myself off. I am comforted by my resolve to do this.
I know why this is such a popular age to end it. We’re young enough to know the pleasures of sex, but just bordering the age where it all goes downhill. At sixteen you get a job, deal with basters who use and insult you, then go through highschool. At some point you’ve lived to long to give up this crappy life, clinging to the hope something good will happen tomorrow. It won’t, at least not for me. All week I’ve been loving and nice to my family, happiest girl in the world, right? Sure, that’s a nice lie to believe. Really, I HATE myself. Lazy, gluttonous, selfish, exercise nut, cutter, fucking sane. All words I use to describe myself. It takes a sertain amount of insanilty to live in this world, I don’t think I have it…
My Fanfiction has gotten 19 reviews and is up to chapter six, but I guess they’ll be no seven. If anyone reads this and you liked my story Self-destruction, I was how Lizzie felt. If anyone reads this in the future, I’m sorry for leaving it incomplete.
But time is progressing, the day is nearer and nearer, is it wrong to feel excited?
Mom and Dad, never was this you’re fault. NEVER. You loved me and took care of me, this is NOT your FAULT. NEVER THINK IT WAS. I suppose I’m just one of those people who want to die, sorry. Gods/Goddesses, I’m sorry if I’m failing a plan you had for me. Spirit guides, I’m sorry, so sorry.
My biggest regret? I have a lot, but the number one is starting a story and leaving it. Well, my tale is nearing its end, thankfully. I’m confident we’ll meet again, don’t be sad it’s over, be glad it happened. Goodbye until tomorrow.
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Starlove,
I hope you see this comment. I apologize for taking so long to comment. I connected with you on several levels and would like to offer to try to help you through some of this if you are interested and still available.
I have some information I would like to share with you. But the most important thing I need to tell you is to please try again…don’t give up. It really does get better…perhaps not fast enough…but little by little. I am sorry that I do not know your story…I have been away from the site for a while…but I would like to hear the real story if I might.
Peace Little One
Amakua
I’m still here, and I’m ready to listen.
I’m so scared. I really am. I’m 15, that you know. My dad is transgender and she and my mom fight often… I’m scared to die and scared to live. But recently the thought on my mind is ‘to die will be an awful big adventure.’ But so is living, I don’t know why I feel this way, and it terrifies me. I’m afraid I’ll hurt someone. As the time draws closer I’m plagued with the desire to murder my parents and kill myself. Obviously I would never harm them in that way, I’d rather die that hurt them… I switched anti depressants a few months ago, but they’re not working, and I’m not sure I want them to. I feel as if I’m subduing my true self. If the way I feel without the pills is my unchanged personality, they it’s like I’m killing a part of me when I swallow the little blue ovals. I have no religion, but I believe in an after life, no hell. I think hell and heaven is inside us, and recently, my life had been living hell. My grandfather died, I just got home from his funeral.
I’m home-schooled, always alone within myself even when I’m with my friends at Taekwondo. I love it there, the pain always slipped away when I was running and roundhouse kicking with my friends… But none of them knew me, I’ve never let anyone know me. Deep down I always suspected I’d die of suicide, even when I was in fifth grade. I must have been… 12, 13? I don’t know. I never let them in because I didn’t want them to miss me.
The only time I let my soul shine is when I write. When I pull back and read when I’ve rote, I’m kinda horrified. All my poems are about death, suicide and betrayal.
I guess I feel betrayed by my mom, who fell in love with a man over the internet. He’s a woman to male transgender, though hasn’t had any surgery. Ironic, my dad and him, it’s like my life is a big cosmic joke.
I’m also very empathetic, I want to scream when I see suffering and am powerless to stop it. I was severely anorexic for a year and got down to 100 pounds, dangerously low for my 5’7 height. I became very depressed after that, but had thoughts of suicide since I was at least 10. Granted they weren’t nearly serious as in the next years.
I got home from the trip and race to get a coat, shoes and scarf into my room. While my mom and dad were in the kitchen I took the knife I cut myself with and cut open a wide hole in my window screen to sneak out of. It was really only then I realized how serious I truly was. All week I just gave up, eating whatever whenever, not even doing school, any possible thing that would make me go through.
I always feel my problems don’t warrant suicide, because my parents love me and I have everything I want. I’ve never really had to work for anything my whole life, but that’s about to change. I’m growing up, and the prospect horrifies me.
Hey Little One
Wow!! Just wow!! I hope you don’t wonder why you’re confused…I’m confused now…lol.
Seriously…I totally get the whole medication thing. I’ve tried to explain it myself before but not so well. I agree. But sometimes the meds do help to get you through…they are not meant to be a “cure”. Are you getting any counselling or therapy to go along with the pill pushing? SSRI’s don’t work for me at all either…but I’m not adverse to a couple Lorazepam from time to time when the anxiety is on the loose…lol..but other than that I take no meds.
I am an empath as well…and to make matters worse…I am also clairsentient. This can have a very negative impact when you are subjected to unbelievable amounts of negativity, hostility, anger etc. I can’t even watch a friggin’ wrestling match anymore…sends me reeling. So how are you surviving in your environment? You must be an incredibly strong young soul.
I understand the distancing as well…I didn’t bother to bond with my family of origin because I didn’t think I would be around long. My first suicide attempt was before the age of 4. After years of therapy and working back through all my traumas one by one by one…we got to the beginning. I was basically born with a death wish. So the phsychiatrist recommended a past life regression therapy session…wow. Turns out that I was a suicide in my previous 2 lifetimes. I have attempted 7 times in this lifetime…and yet I am still here. I had an NDE the last attempt…and it changed everything I thought and believed about life and death. I am sorta anti-religious myself…I usually label myself as either Gnostic or a Spiritualist.
Turns out that two things were to blame…PTSD with multiple traumas and early childhood sexual abuse. I became a self-abuser. And it turns out I was actually suffering a Spiritual Crisis as well. Do you know what the symptoms of Spiritual Crisis are?
I’m sorry to hear about your grandfather passing…not for his sake…but for your’s. Were you close to him? Can you share some favourite memories…or is it too hard?
I agree with you when you say that heaven or hell are just constructs of the mind. I would go so far as to say that they are “states of mind”. If the mind or soul continues on after physical death…do we not then take our “issues” onto the next lifetime, dimension or reality? To me that sounds exactly like heaven or hell…minus the pitchforks, fire, clouds and pearly gates…unless that is what you would like or expect to experience of course. What I’m trying to tell you is this…suicide is not the answer…death is not an answer…they are merely crapshoots or rather other questions. So why not stick around in this reality a little longer and see what happens? Turns out that I may be here just to not kill myself this time…and not from a lack of trying…lol…but please don’t give up…look for ways to start healing and dealing. Ask and you will receive they say…don’t know if it’s true…but don’t ask and you won’t get sure seems to work out well.
I understand as well the fear of facing a life transition such as the one you are facing…the journey into adulthood. Yeah…it was scary…and then poof…it was over. I became responsible. That was about the only thing that changed…lol. Other than that I’m not sure I’m grown up yet. My 96 year old grandmother says there is no such thing as grown up…and I’m gonna take her word for it…lol. There are lots of others facing this same type of issue on this site…others more your age I should say. Me I’m currently doing the transition into “old fart”…ayup. But I get it…all change is hard. Don’t be afraid hun…there really is nothing to fear but fear itself. It keeps you treading water without a boat or raft about. Life is about change…so don’t fear it…embrace it…make the most of it. In no time you will be old enough to decide for yourself how you want to live your life. Does that cause you anxiety? It did for me…but once I got out on my own…I couldn’t figure out what the heck I had been so scared about.
Who hurt you soooo bad hun? And why do you think you deserve to keep hurting…even yourself? Rhetorical questions…cuz I already know the answer…I did it myself…until I learned better. What if you are dealing with all your bad life experiences to ready you for an amazing destiny? Why not stick around and find out? Be a Spiritual Warrior? What say?
Peace
Amakua